Unfinished

Shallow and Immature.

Not you.

Me.

Sometimes when I read something I wrote years ago, or even months ago, I am overcome with a feeling of "wow- that girl has a lot of growing up to do" and I'm tempted to start editing and deleting my own stuff.

I'm nearsighted. Literally and figuratively. It's hard to truly see outside of myself. Yes, there are moments when I do- but they are merely moments. Life quickly pulls me back to my wants, my "needs", my desires. Wanting to be funny, smart, pretty, liked, loved, admired, inspiring. When am I really going to live day to day knowing it's not about me? Is that possible? Being a human? A Sinner with a capital S?

I wonder sometimes about the things I write right now- this post for instance- and how shallow and immature it's going to seem to me if I read it in a few years. Maybe I'll sigh and think oh Amanda, you were so off, wake up girl.

But thinking like that can create fear and unhealthy self-consciousness. It can create a feeling of "why even try if all of this is worthless and meaningless, if I'm yet a babe unable to grasp true reality" but that in itself is still making it about "me".

Even low self-esteem is self-centeredness. Thinking badly about yourself is still thinking about yourself. So I hope to not let my semi-awareness of my own immaturity get me down. I hope to embrace each stumble along the way, each time I make a mistake or hurt someone, each time I'm made unavoidably aware of my sin.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm not completed yet. I'm a work in progress. An unfinished painting.

If you look at me you might not see the picture clearly because the Great Artist isn't done yet. Maybe He just has a few smudges of paint on my canvas so far. It doesn't mean you throw away the painting if it isn't done. It doesn't mean it's a bad painting. There's just not "more" yet. You just have to wait for it to be finished. Knowing that each step is necessary and has a purpose.

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Phil 1:6