Becoming Brothers

On the evening of Kevin's birth I was able to briefly introduce Nathan and Luke to their new brother with Facetime.

The next day my mom and mother-in-law brought the boys to meet Kevin at the hospital. Nathan was immediately in awe over his baby brother and Luke kept saying "baby!" but was more interested in cuddling with me.

The moment I had Luke I could not wait for Nathan to meet him and I felt the same way the moment I had Kevin. Seeing siblings meet for the first time and knowing that someday they will be the best of friends is such a touching moment. It's the beginning of something so dear even if the kids themselves don't realize how big of a moment it is.

Here are a few photos from that special meeting.

(Nathan wanted to be swaddled to pretend he was the new baby)

It was also the first time that the grandmas got to meet their new grandson (the fourth grandson for both of them, no granddaughters)

My dad came to our house when Kevin was a few days old to meet him as well.

People ask me all the time how the boys are doing with Kevin.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Luke is blowing me out of the water. No jealousy issues at all and he's completely 100% smitten with "baby." He asks where he is all of the time if he doesn't see him in my arms. He gives him his pacy when he cries and makes sure that we know "baby crying." He points to his own chest and says "baby wan mil inside" (baby want milk inside) to tell me to nurse him. I thought the 2 year age difference would be hard and it is in some ways but so much easier than I thought it would be.

Nathan talks about how sweet and cute Kevin is and he is equally in love with his brother. When we went to Nathan's open house at school shortly after Kevin was born there was a wall that said "Things that make us happy." Each kid wrote down what makes them the happiest. Most wrote "mommy" or "daddy" but Nathan wrote "Kevin"...melt.

(hard to see but the one with the yellow smiley faces says "Kevin makes me happy")

I'm very grateful for all of my boys and their love towards each other. I know that love will carry them through thick or thin.

Brothers

Um yep just random crap

I have an over editing issue people. I write my blog posts and they sound normal (well as normal as it's gonna get) and they flow and are easy to read.

But then then THEN...I read it. And change it. And change it again.

It's something like this....

"Let's switch that word for this word."

"That phrase sounds funny- let me fix that."

"It is effect or affect? Who ever gets those right? Or is it whom...? Ack!"

"Whoa whoa whoa- was I trying to be funny? :::face palm::: Delete delete delete."

"Oh I forgot to add this to the story! Hmm should it go here or there?"

Before long I've tweaked (or twerked? I don't even know what that word means and it's everywhere lately- and I don't care enough to look it up) the blog post so much that it's just not all flowy anymore.

Hmph.

It is a problem. 

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Let's talk about wit shall we? You either have it. Or you don't.

I don't.

At least I don't think I do.

Making fun of myself? Sure. Making my best friends die laughing? Sure. Wit? Nope.

However I adore it. And want it. And therefore gravitate towards all things witty while I'm a little green with envy because it's just...yeah. It's funny as heck.

Same as sarcasm. I am incapable of it in speech. I butcher it in the written word because I try it but I'm not good at it. So people that use it are hilarious to me cuz I just can't.

Unless it's overused and then they just seem mean.

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Yeah I'm not editing this post as all so this is what happens when I just let it all go. Pretty sure this is going to be the worst post of all time.

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Did you know the stem of a pumpkin used to be a flower?

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After working at a dental office with no receptionist for four years we finally got a receptionist!!!!! Cue angels singing.

You have no idea how amazing it is to finish with an appointment and shoo my patient to the front desk and then be able to get ready for my next patient. 

When we had no receptionist I used to have to deal with the money, phone calls, scheduling my patients and their uncle's friend's great nephew's dog for a teeth cleaning too. So yes, it's a luxury to have more help and be able to focus on my job. Also helps keep me from running behind schedule (which I can't stand) and allows me time to pump at work.

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Speaking of pumping. My baby is sleeping through the night (8 hrs straight). Yeah. No joke. Started at 5 weeks! I mean...what baby does that? It's wonderfully insane. And now that I'm back to work full time with 3 boys- thanks kid- I'll take it.

Of course now that I typed that he'll be up all night.

Kevin's Birth Story: Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

I was in shocked that I had progressed that quickly. I thought when the nurse checked me maybe I would be a 7cm or something but I did not expect to find out that I went from 5cm to 10cm in an hour.

Another nurse came in to help Stacy transform the hospital bed. The baby's nurse, Laura Lee, also came in and began to set everything up she would need to examine the baby after his birth. In no time my bed was pulled apart, raised up high and the "stirrups" were put in place. I was just laying there enjoying the lack of pain and watching everyone hurry around the room. We were about ready to see our son!

Stacy was talking to another nurse about notifying my doctor that I was complete and to ask the doctor if she wanted me to go ahead and push before she was there. I jumped in the conversation to say that I only pushed a few times with Luke so it'd probably be best if we waited until the doctor was present.

In a few minutes my doctor came in, all smiles as usual and we talked for a little bit. She has an amazing bedside manner and also puts me at ease. She delivered Luke so I was grateful that she would be able to deliver Kevin as well.

Everything was ready to go. I held behind my knees and it was time to push. Here came a contraction and I closed my eyes and pushed as hard as I could. I heard my doctor say "I see light hair!" and I thought no way, I thought I was going to have a dark headed baby like Nathan.

After a few pushes the contraction was over and I relaxed as we waited for another.

We waited.

...and waited...

Hmph.

My contractions, which had been very steady for awhile, suddenly went AWOL. So we all just chatted for a bit about silly things like my blue toenail polish until they showed up again.

After maybe 5-7 minutes another one was coming so it was once again time to push push push! I could tell I was making good progress and we all thought by the next contraction he would be born.

One more contraction and PUUUUSSSHHH. I heard Stacy say "He has red hair!!" and I just couldn't believe I had TWO red heads! PUUUUSSSSHHHH.

His little head was delivered and my doctor said "Amanda, do you want to reach down and pull him out?"

What? That question came out of no where. I had heard of that only once when my friend Katie recently delivered her daughter. When I read about Katie's experience I thought I would like to do that someday but had never mentioned it to my doctor.

I said "yes!" and I reached down and tucked my hands under his arm pits and pulled his little slippery body out and onto my chest.

I savored his sweet newborn cry and just stared at his perfect face.

My third son, Kevin, was here in my arms!

I said "He's so little!" and the nurses said "No, he's not that little!" but I had been carrying around my 2 year old so any baby would seem little compared to him.

He did have some trouble breathing and was trying to work it up. Some fluid remained in his lungs since he was delivered so fast.

After I cuddled him for a few minutes the baby nurse, Laura Lee, took him to weigh him (7lbs 12.6oz 21 inches) and diaper him. She quickly returned him to me and I patted his back to help him expel some of the fluid. His coloring was perfect so I knew he was getting enough oxygen. He was able to cough a lot of the clear fluid up himself but after a few more minutes Laura Lee decided to take him again to help him clear his lungs.

During this time my doctor delivered the placenta and I asked to see it. She began showing me what had sustained my baby for 9 months and I got to see the sac that he formed in. I was just amazed by it all. 

After Laura Lee worked on Kevin for a few minutes (putting a thin tube down his throat to pull out the fluid) he was doing much better and was returned to me. We cuddled skin to skin and I studied every little detail of his face. He began to root and I moved him over to my breast and he immediately latched. I took a deep breath and felt the relief of knowing that he was able breastfeed beautifully from the beginning. After struggling nursing Nathan I will never take that for granted. Kevin nursed for 10 minutes on each side and then dozed on and off.

Laura Lee kept her word and made sure I was able to experience the "Golden Hour."  It was a very intimate time with our precious baby and I will never forget it. I continued to hold Kevin skin to skin for 2 1/2 hours before they moved us to the maternity ward in the hospital.

We had several visitors on the days that Nathan and Luke were born and had asked for no visitors the day Kevin arrived so that I could rest and we could focus on our new son.

He was finally here and like I anticipated I felt my heart and my family grow all at once to welcome this sweet blessing.

Welcome to your new world, Kevin.

Kevin's Birth Story: Part 2

Read Part 1 here.

I was very excited that the anesthesiologist came almost immediately. Stacy told Marcus he could be present but had to remain seated. She raised my bed up so high that I thought I was going to go through the ceiling and had me sit up with my legs dangling off the side and slouch as much as possible. And of course the hardest part of all...I had to remain perfectly still. Not an easy task during hard contractions!

After the sound of several packages being opened and my back being sterilized I braced for the numbing shot. Yeah, it hurt but I knew that it was bringing me relief soon. Stacy was supporting me and holding my arms and I was silently crying during each hard contraction (I internalize when I'm in pain and get very quiet) I was so quiet the nurse kept asking if I was okay.

The numbing shot took effect and now it was time for the epidural. I felt the weird and slightly painful sensations as the anesthesiologist continued to work on me. And continued. And continued. Contraction after contraction after contraction. I started to noticed this took much longer than with my other babies and worried what was wrong.

Duuuuuuddddeeee....what is the deal?! I wanted to scream.

Fear began to grip me. A million thoughts flooded my mind.

Why was he taking so long? I broke out in a cold sweat and started to shake. I, who never sweat usually, was sweating so much that I felt it just running off of me which I'm sure probably didn't help what the anesthesiologist was trying to do.

Every once in a while I would barely lift my eyes to Marcus to silently communicate "What the heck is taking so long?! I'm in major pain." 

I wanted to ask what was wrong but the words would not make it out of my mouth before I was racked by another hard contraction. I know in reality this probably only took maybe 20 minutes but it felt like an eternity at the time.

Finally the anesthesiologist spoke up and asked me if it felt like he was centered. I managed to speak enough to say that he felt too far to the right. He relocated the catheter (a very weird sensation) and continued to push and pull on me. Shortly after he spoke up again and said "I am 100% sure that the catheter is in the right location but I cannot get the epidural to thread through. It's like trying to get a wet noodle through a tube that is too small."

I said "Maybe it's a faulty catheter and you need a new one." He agreed and opened a new package. Within seconds he said "There! I'm done!" and I was so relieved that I could move. The tape to hold the epidural in place wouldn't even stick to me since I had sweat so much during the whole ordeal.

(I don't think he did anything wrong and I don't hold anything against him. I do think it was just a faulty package however I do wish he realized that sooner than he did.)

I knew pain relief was on it's way and I was eager for it. After some time passed I felt some numbness on my right side but my left side still felt like it did before. Stacy checked me and said I was 5cm and the baby had moved about half way down. We were making progress but where was my pain relief?

20 minutes after the epidural I was still feeling everything on the left side and my right side was somewhat numb but not very much so. I began to worry that the epidural wasn't going to work and started mentally pep talking myself into possibly giving birth without it. I knew I could if I had to. But honestly...I didn't want to.

Stacy sent a message to the anesthesiologist that I had a "window" and that he was needed again. (Apparently a "window" means an area that the pain relief didn't take affect) She left for lunch (thinking this might be her only chance to go since I was progressing) and promised that she would hurry. Another nurse stepped in to care for me in her absence.

The anesthesiologist came back in and I explained the problem. He said because of my height I might just need a slightly larger dose. We talked about the possibility that the epidural wasn't going to work at all and we both agreed that if so it would be best not to redo it since I was progressing and it was not going to be a long labor. He upped my dose, wished me good luck and left.

Not long afterwards I felt coldness spread through my body as the medicine took effect and all my muscles started to relax from the waist down. A feeling of complete comfort oozed it's way through my body and I started to relax. Ahhh. Sweet relief.

Keeping family and friends updated via facebook.

My nurse Stacy came back eager for a status report. She had worried about me during lunch and was thrilled to know that the epidural was now working perfectly.

She left me to labor peacefully for a little while and returned a little after 1pm to turn my pitocin down since my contractions were getting a little too close for comfort. I said "I'm starting to feel some pressure" and she said she should check me.

She did and her eyes got real big. 

She said "Well....there definitely has been some progress!! You are a 10 and the baby is all the way down. You're ready to push!"

I had gone from 5cm to 10cm in an hour! It was time to have a baby!

To be continued...(hopefully later today if I can get to it)

Kevin's Birth Story: Part 1

(I'm long winded...I know. I really tried to cut this down a bit but I'm writing it mostly so I can go back and read it years from now and I do want to remember every detail. And I love reading other people's detailed birth stories so there. Sorry but not sorry. Heh.)

August 6th (39 weeks, 1 day) was our date to induce. My blood pressure had started to rise a week beforehand and we were ready to meet our 3rd son and to deliver before my blood pressure had a chance to continue to rise.

Whoa momma!

Early that Tuesday morning (6am) my mom came over to be with the boys and Marcus and I headed to the hospital. Although this was my third induction I had a lot more anxious energy this time. I later realized it was probably because it was the first time I was induced without being drugged up on blood pressure medicine. I wasn't necessarily scared but mostly excited. I could not wait to see this little guy! I was so wrapped up in the process of birth with my first born but after having a few kids you start to focus mostly on the end result- a sweet babe wrapped in your arms and the feeling of your heart and family expanding all at once.

After we stopped so Marcus could get an iced coffee (and I did my best to ignore it) we arrived at the hospital and went up to Labor and Delivery. I had my spider man pillow tucked under my arm, something I grabbed last second to feel like my older boys were with me (and also to be sure the hospital didn't think it was their pillow). This pillow did not go unnoticed. I'm pretty sure I quickly became nicknamed "the girl with the spiderman pillow" among the nurses.

Spidy was all like "you go get 'em girl!" cuz he would totally say something like that right?

Not long after we were there my nurse hooked me up to the monitors, gave me an IV and started me on fluids and pitocin. She checked me and said I was 3cm dilated but almost 4. The baby was very high so I knew that the length of this labor depended mostly on how long it took him to get into position for me to push.

My nurse was named Stacy and I asked her how late she would be there. She said 3pm and I hoped Kevin would be here before then because I have never delivered during the same shift change. I always get attached to a nurse during labor but she never gets to be there for delivery.

Around 8am my sweet and smiley doctor came in and said "let's break your water!" I was a little taken back and said "Now...? But we've always waited until after the epidural...?" I guess this time we were to do things in a different order but that was fine by me. After she broke my water I started to feel some pretty strong contractions. It's definitely a different sensation to get contractions after your water breaks versus before. They jump in intensity.

At one point the baby's nurse came in to introduce herself. We chatted for a bit between contractions and I told her that it was really important for me to get to experience kangaroo care immediately after birth since I never have (Kangaroo care is holding the baby skin to skin. There are numerous health benefits for both mother and baby). She said as long as the baby is healthy she will make sure he gets placed on my chest and gets to stay there for the hour after birth. She could sense how passionate I was about this and I could tell that she really cared about doing everything to give me that experience.

(When I had Nathan I wasn't aware of kangaroo care and they wrapped him in multiple layers before giving him to me. Due to misinformation I wasn't able to nurse Nathan until he was 6 hours old. With Luke I only got to hold him a few minutes before they had to take him to the nursery to clear his lungs since he had aspirated meconium. With Kevin I was dearly hoping I could hold him for a long time right after birth and experience what they call the "Golden Hour" of uninterrupted skin to skin contact and the first experience breast feeding.)

I labored for a few hours with the contractions getting stronger and stronger. I had the "go ahead" to get the epidural whenever I wanted but I wanted to labor for awhile without it and make sure my contractions were in a steady pattern.

My blood pressure fluctuated with my pain. That is one of the main reasons that I choose to get epidurals with the births of my sons because the pain makes my blood pressure rise (I also have low pain tolerance- that or I'm just an extra sensitive person)

Resting between contractions.

I would do my best to focus and breathe through the contractions. I knew each one was bringing my baby closer!

Counting distracted me from the pain so I tried to focus on counting seconds on the clock. Eventually the counting didn't help and I needed Marcus' hand to hold to get through them. I had told him to tell me when he thinks "it's time" for the epidural (I know that sounds weird since it's my body but I wanted his opinion). Around 11:30am he said "babe, I think it's time." I said "me too!" because I was to the point that with each contraction I wondered how in the world I would be able to handle the next one if it intensified. The contractions were steady and pretty close together at this point (maybe 1-2 minutes apart, sometimes every 30 seconds) so I agreed and told Stacy when she came back in that I was definitely ready for the heavenly epidural.

However the epidural I was about to experience would NOT be as "heavenly" as I would have liked!!!

To be continued tomorrow.

Grrrrr....I know.

First day back...sorta.

Today marks the official end of my maternity leave. Sigh. 6 weeks passes oh so quickly.

I admit I was freaking out a bit last night around 7pm while I was frantically sterilizing all of my breast pump parts and trying to figure out how much breast milk you leave for a baby who has been exclusively nursed. My head felt like it was going to explode my to-do list all over the sterile flanges.

This morning I held Kevin a little longer after he nursed and then got Nathan ready for school. He asked me once again why I couldn't go on his first kindergarten field trip today and why I never came to the special stuff at his preschool like other parents (I did take off work once to go to the Thanksgiving dinner at his preschool...for the record) I said "I'm sorry sweetie but I have to go to work but hopefully I can another day" and that was that.

Driving into work I felt ready. Ready to get back into the routine. Ready to spend time with my lovely patients. Ready to see my coworkers. And ready to clean teeth- which in a weird way is sort of like therapy to me. I prayed for the boys in the car and shed a few tears when it was Kevin's turn. My first day away from my sweet littlest son.

I got to work and walked in only to find out a water main break was causing us to close for the day and we all got a paid day off. Easiest first day back ever! Haha. I remembered Nathan's field trip and told a coworker about it and she said "you should surprise him!"

Yes! Yes I should!

I was SO excited to drive to the Family Farm and pumpkin patch to meet up with  Nathan. I stood with the other parents waiting for their children to get off the buses and hid a little behind a tall man because I didn't want Nathan to see me right away. 

He got off the bus and I saw my opportunity to walk up behind him and tap him on the shoulder while other parents were finding their kids. He looked up at me and grinned ear to ear and said "Mommy!! What are you doing here?!" and hugged me tight. 

Yep. Best first day back ever.

We toured the apple sorting area and farmers market together. We learned how pumpkins grow.

We crammed under an umbrella while pumpkin picking and trying not to get too soaked (those stems have some major stickers- ouch!) I silently thought thank you when Nathan forgoed the big pumpkin and picked out a small one...yanno, since the moms and dads always end up carrying that stuff.

I sat with him while he enjoyed lunch. He was surprised by the rare treat of candy in his lunch bag.

The afternoon's plans got rained out so I brought him home early and enjoyed conversation in the car with him.

It was a stolen day. And I'm grateful for it.

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The rest of the day has been the normal roller coaster of intensely sweet moments and pulling-my-hair-out crazy moments. 

One moment the older boys are cuddled up to me and Kevin while we try to coax him into giving us his first little grins.

And the next is me holding a screaming baby and dropping tuna all over myself (note to self: cannot eat a tuna sandwich one handed) while Luke is loudly declaring "DONE!!! DONE!!!l" from the high chair and Nathan walks in to show me that while I thought he was painting Handy Manny apparently he thought he was Handy Manny.

Aaaaaaand just like that. I'm ready for my first real day back to work tomorrow. 

:)

Doctor Visits

When Kevin was 6 days old we took him for his first doctor visit. He had already surpassed his birth weight of 7lb 12 oz by hitting the 8lb mark.

My only question for the doctor was about his ear. His right ear is shaped a little different than his left. I looked parts of the ear up online and it's the crus of helix that is thicker on his right ear and attaches at a different place. 

My concern wasn't cosmetic but just that I know the ears form when other organs form and sometimes a variation of the ear could signify that other organs, like the kidneys, need to be looked at.

His doctor assured me that he had no signs of any health issues and that every baby he's sent to check kidneys due to an ear abnormality has come back negative so that we shouldn't worry about it.

Today Kevin had his 1 month appointment and weighs in at 10 lbs 4.5 oz and 21.25 inches long. He's at the 50th percentile for weight and 25th percentile for height and head circumference. 

Looks like we have a growing and healthy boy!

Loss

My sweet, lovely, kind and wonderful cousin, Sara, went to be with Jesus Monday evening.

She was 34 years old and left behind her husband, Jason, and two girls Meagan (age 12) and Kayla (age 9)

Five years ago at the age of 29 Sara was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer which is the most aggressive form of breast cancer. It's hard to diagnose because there usually isn't a knot...instead it presents as a "web" and it hard to feel in the breast. By the time they found it it has metastasized.

I'm not going to describe the extent of treatment that Sara went through but trust me when I say it was graphic, invasive, and something no one should have to endure. She fought this. She fought it hard. And she fought it with a smile on her face.

(Sara on left and her twin sister Stephanie on the right)

Sometimes when a loved one passes away people sweep all of the negative things about them under a rug never to be brought up again. Only the good is remembered. But honestly- with Sara- I can't think of one single thing that would be swept under a rug. The good is only remembered with her because she was so good and brave and lovely. Of course no one is perfect but she had such an authentic and genuine spirit. The kind of person that always sees the good in people and wants to lift those around her even when she's the one that might need lifted up the most.

She believed in Jesus and claimed Him as her Savior. She knew where she would go when her time came. A few weeks ago she was given 2-4 months by the doctors but Jesus took her sooner than that. She was ready. It makes the heartache so much more bearable knowing that she was a believer and that I will see her again. I'm not sad for her. I can't be. She's in heaven in God's presence.  But my heart goes out to her young girls and her husband. It's a pain that no one can identify with unless they've been there but I know they take comfort too in knowing she's no longer suffering.

Last week I went to see Sara in the hospital when the doctors told us that it wouldn't be long. Marcus stayed home with the bigger boys and I brought Kevin with me. She hadn't met Kevin yet and I really wanted her to meet him. Although she was in pain and had difficulty breathing (the cancer had destroyed her lungs) she still was smiling and loving on those around her. She smiled at Kevin and touched his sweet head. And when I told her bye and that I loved her I brought Kevin close to her face and she kissed his forehead. It's a moment I'll never forget.

(Sara and Nathan)

(Sara and Luke)

Monday afternoon Sara got to leave the hospital to go home under hospice care. She was only home a few hours before she took her last breath.

It makes me smile to think "She went home to go Home."

(Sara and I, celebrating her 34th birthday in July)

It's funny that when a loved one passes suddenly little "insignificant at the time" snippets of memories rise to the surface. Like how on her wedding day the hair stylist made her hair into an actual bow (I don't have a picture but it was cute) I'm not talking adding a bow- her hair formed a bow above her veil and it took her and Jason forever to get all of the bobby pins and hair spray out. And when I was going to go to my junior prom I went to her house and she let me try on all of her formal gowns and I picked this lovely periwinkle dress of hers to wear. And on Christmas day 2010 when I wasn't sure if my pregnancy test was positive or not I took it to her and we studied it by the window in my mom's house to see if two lines were really present (they were, hence Luke)

Although her loss is felt so deeply to those who knew her the memories run even deeper.

Please pray for Jason and the girls to feel God's comfort during this time.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going. John 14: 1-4

Not so permanent

Kevin is approaching a month old and people have been asking how it is adjusting to three children. I don't lie. I tell them the baby is easy (he is, give him a boob and he's happy) The 5 yr old and 2 yr old are another story. Actually these last few months have been the hardest with Nathan. Ever.

He was an angel at the age of 2. Then 3 hit and we wondered what happened. Surely he would outgrow this intense strong will and attitude by 4 right? Ha! 4 came and then 5 and I lost all of my hair and all sense of sanity.

I've always had a strong connection with my oldest son. I always "got" him. But then suddenly I didn't and it felt like a little stranger with gorgeous eyes living in my house and I was at a loss. I felt fake interacting with him. I was no longer a genuine loving mother. I forced my smiles at him. The "good job sweetie" voice did not belong to me. I don't like feeling fake especially towards my own flesh and blood. 

What came first- the chicken or the egg? Did I feel this way because of his behavior or did he act out because he sensed I was feeling this way towards him? I'll never know.

It's been a rough first several weeks of kindergarten with him but we are slowly getting better. He is and I am. My hormones are calming down a bit and it's easier for me not to blow up over the first sign of disobedience. I'm being more proactive and helping to calm him before things get out of hand. We've gone a whole week without me calling my mom screaming and crying into the phone that I have no idea how to parent my child. I started being intentional with him. Reading to him. Complimenting him and just simply showing him that I do love him more.

And just like that the connection is back. I get him. And he knows it. His extra hugs and "love you mommy"s tell me. I sigh and know that we'll survive.

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Something in me woke up yesterday after visiting a loved one under hospice care in the hospital. I realized that life with young kids is not permanent. Life is short and incomprehensibly precious and kids do grow. In a few years I won't have "little ones" and it will be easier and it will be harder. This moment in my life is not my complete identity. I will not always be the mom with itty bitty kids. Things change.

It also occurred to me that a part of my frustration towards Nathan and towards myself is that somehow along the way I had convicted myself that I had to figure out how to be everything to everyone because "this is my life forever and I want to be good at it." I wanted that confident "I got this" feeling. 

I had that feeling after I had Luke. I somehow went the whole maternity leave keeping the house clean, taking the boys on fun outings and cooking yummy meals (things fell apart a little when I went back to work) Why did I put the exact same expectations on myself when going from 2 kids to 3? It's a big change. Especially since the age gap is much smaller this time around.

The "I got this" is just not happening right now and I need to be okay with that. I have a 2yr old who is showing me he's just as, if not more, strong willed as his brother. And the newest little bean who requires me to sit often to feed him, hold him, and change him. It's just not happening.

Yesterday I finally heard God's voice saying "No, you can't do it, but I can. Why do you wait until you are at your end before calling out to me? I got this. I got this."

So here we are. A month post partum. A little chaotic (okay, a lot), a little messy, a little dirty (a shower? what's that?), a little lost, a little booboo with a little bandaid and a kiss, and we're okay. Life is good. It's life. And I'm grateful.