Luke's First Year Video

We had a blast yesterday at Marcus' and Luke's Star Wars birthday party and I can't wait to share the pictures soon. For now here is Luke's first year video I made for the party. As I made this I realized how many special moments I captured on my iphone and not my other camera so please excuse some of the low quality pictures. But it's the moments that count right?

Happy Birthday Luke!

One.

My littlest firecracker turns one today.

1. One. Uno. ONE.

Sigh.

As Luke toddles around with his new bright blue helmet and tuff of red hair sprouting out of the top I think to myself "where has the year gone?" "he doesn't even resemble the newborn I brought home" "before I know it he'll be married with kids of his own!"

How did he go from this....

...to this!?

Must have something to do with feeding him or something...

If I ponder on how fast time flies the bittersweet emotions get the best of me. Ahhh it's that combination of pride and anticipation mixed with longing for things to stay the same and time to freeze.

A year ago I pushed this little body out into the world and felt that instant connection. My heart grew immediately to welcome this life and I knew that no matter if we are blessed with one more child or two more or 10 more (not.happening.) that my heart would easily expand to welcome whatever blessing God bestows on us. Love has no maximum capacity and this little boy has brought so much love and joy to our family.

Happy 1st Birthday Lukey!!!

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My mind shifts to my oldest son who is now 4 1/2 and I realize I have ONE more year before he's off to school. I'm flooded with all of the things I want to teach him in the next year. Not only educational things but social, emotional, moral things.

It would be so easy for me to create a list (I love lists...a lot) of what I want to cram in before Fall 2013.

It would be so easy to exhaust myself and Nathan if I tried to cover everything that he would have learned in preschool. To make sure that when he starts kindergarten he won't be behind the other students that got a year or two of preschool.

It would be so easy to feel like a failure if I didn't complete all of my "prekindergarten tasks".

It would be so easy to feel like a failure because just a year ago he was actually reading words but now, in the chaos of adding another sibling, he doesn't even know all of his letters. We stopped working with him and he forgot a lot of things. We're working with him again and he's slowly learning. He has about 8 more letters to learn. He's smart. We talk about evaporation and the moon reflecting the sun's light and all sorts of things but we have a lot of "school" type things to work on.

And it would be so easy to strive to be that perfect parent even while knowing no such thing exists.

Then I think about last night when Marcus was putting Nathan to bed. I was outside working on landscaping and Nathan came up to me and said "Night Mommy" and hugged me while I tried not to get dirt from my gardening gloves on his PJ's. I asked for a kiss and he said "no" smiled and walked away.

He usually likes to tease me and pretend he won't hug or kiss me but then always turns back and says "just kidding, of course you can have a kiss!"

But this time he kept walking away.

His little body was almost completely inside the door and he wasn't even turning around. I thought "this is it, he's growing up"

At the very last second he whirled around and ran full force into my arms and said "Mommy! You can have a kiss!"

I leaned down and kiss him goodnight and said sweet dreams as he ran off. I thought to myself "yeah, he's still little" and "I must be doing something right."

I savor this time when he's little enough to kiss his mommy and he still runs to me when I pick him up from daycare. He's still little enough to carry to bed if he falls asleep on the couch. He's still little enough to wear footy pajamas.

So during this last year. The one year before kindergarten. I'm going to try my best to savor his littleness and not be consumed with preparing him for kindergarten. Because where ever he goes- God will be with him. And that's really all that he needs.

MIA

Been pretty busy lately. Big birthday party soon to celebrate Luke and Marcus and I'm trying to prepare the house for about 60+ people (whoa- kind of scary) I'm hoping for nice weather because that many people will not fit in my house. Looks like it will be sunny but hot hot hot!

I have several blog posts up my sleeve regarding a date night gone awry (stuck in traffic for 2.5 hrs!), a family photo shoot, rear facing car seats, and of course Luke turning one and the big birthday bash.

I'll be back next week but might still find time to squeeze a post in sometime in a day or so.

Meanwhile...

Here's to you Mom

I posted yesterday (here) about how it was my mom's birthday. We ended up having a great time and she said it was the best birthday she had ever had.

We ate at a little restaurant down by the Ohio River. It was one of those places that looks like nothing special on the outside with a parking lot for a mere 10 cars but was a very nice place on the inside.

It was a small group. My mom and her 3 sisters, my dad, my family, and my brother and his son Cayden.

A few days prior I was contemplating what to get her for her birthday. I knew she had always wanted a drawing of her grandsons so even though I've been busy preparing for Luke and Marcus' upcoming birthdays I sat down and drew Nathan, Luke, and Cayden.

In the end I spent maybe 3 hours total on the drawing. I haven't drawn in a few years and felt rusty but I quickly remembered how much I enjoy it. This was the first time drawing my kids! It was definitely overdue. Nathan and Luke were easy but Cayden was a bit difficult since I'm just not as familiar with his face. I felt like I couldn't quite get his eyes right.

I sat there anticipating her face when she opened the drawing. Sure enough she cried when she saw it and then that brought tears to my eyes.

The manager of the restaurant asked me if I would draw her son and his girlfriend for Christmas. I got her business card and promised to call her soon.

I'm excited but scared! I've never drawn a picture for money and I wouldn't even know what to charge. I guess it depends on the size maybe? Any ideas?

We sang "Happy Birthday" and enjoyed a yummy lemon cake and ice cream.

Afterwards we went to the river front and listened to a band play 60's music (They have free movies there too all summer for kids- we need to check it out)

It's so beautiful living near a river. The weather was perfect.

Nathan and Cayden were shaking their booties to the music and watching "speeder" boats go by.

They love each other so much. Nathan loves showing his cousin things and Cayden looks up to Nathan and thinks he's the coolest thing ever. I enjoy seeing them together.

Me and my kiddos and my brother and his son.

We made some wonderful memories and I hope my mom felt loved and appreciated!

Fragile

On Monday my glasses broke. My only pair and I don't have contacts. The thin metal piece just crumbled.

Thinking back I feel this foreshadowed that I would be reminded over and over again in the next few days just how fragile life can be.

Sometimes the most precious things are the most vulnerable- maybe that's what makes them precious in the first place.

My great aunt died this week. Pneumonia had attacked several times recently and this time her body was too weak to fight it. I didn't know her very well. She was my grandma's sister and I was very close to my grandma when she was alive.

A close family member was also diagnosed with breast cancer this week after surgery to remove a lump.

Another family member is about to begin another round of chemotherapy for her breast cancer.

In the midst of being reminded how fragile we are as humans God reminded me last night how powerful He is.

For the first time in probably 10 years I hung out with my brother, my only sibling, last night and had a real conversation with him.

I marveled at the changes in his life recently. That God has helped him to step back and really see his life and how the choices he makes affects himself and those around him.

During our entire conversation I was holding back tears as all of the memories of prayers on his behalf began flashing through my mind.

I felt God in my heart say "Do you see Amanda? All those prayers never went to waste. Even years later you see that I had been at work that whole time. Anything is possible through me. Do not doubt. I am always at work. I always have a good plan."

We sat there eating Burger King at 11:00pm in a little apartment while it stormed outside talking about little things and big things and the people we love. It was possibly one of the most precious conversations I have ever had. I left with my heart so happy and proud of the man he is becoming and I look forward to starting a new friendship with him.

Today we celebrate my mom's birthday. The sweetest, most caring and selfless person I know. It only seems fitting to be celebrating her at the end of a week where I was reminded how fleeting this all is.

I hope she has a Happy Birthday. And I hope she feels so loved. As she opens her present from me I pray she knows how much thought went into it and that it too is a reminder of the precious fragile things in life.

Happy Birthday Mom :)

5 months and then some...

5 months ago Luke received his cranial molding helmet (you can read the post about it here) He has adjusted beautifully about it and doesn't seem to mind it.

We have adjusted to. I'm used to cleaning it everyday and giving him daily baths because his head smells like dirty, sweaty feet. Ew.

Although he has been spared many bruises due to the helmet- it has causes me a few bruises and busted lips. But I don't mind.

So for 5 months he has worn it about 23 hours a day (give or take 30mins)

We have enjoyed decorating it with different themes. He's had puppies, trains, cars, animals, dinosaurs, mickey mouse, and guitars to name a few. Most of the time it has his name on the front with stickers but it still throws me off when complete strangers say "Hi Luke! Nice helmet"- for a split second I'm like "how did they know?...oh yeah...the stickers"

I've had a lot of people come up to me and say "My little Tommy wore one of those!" or "my niece wears one" etc. I've had some people ask why he wears it and I don't mind telling them. I can tell some people want to ask but don't because maybe they are unsure of my reaction. But when I sense that someone is curious but unsure I usually end up sharing "Oh he was just flat on one side because he likes to suck those fingers and always turned to the left so the helmet is helping to round out his head"

Kids are the funniest with all kinds of statements and questions.

"Is he a football player?"

"Is he an astronaut?!"

"Why does he have that?"

"Is that so he doesn't get hurt if he falls?"

"Do you drop him a lot or something?"

Haha (actually I did drop him once tripping on a rug and the helmet did help him!)

I love their curiosity!

One woman who stopped me in at the grocery store once was so concerned she was on the verge of tears. She said "oh my- poor dear- please tell me what I can pray for him about" and I tried to reassure her that he's ok but I will always welcome prayers.

They can never give an exact time frame for the helmet because it depends on growth spurts and of course that is not predictable. If the child grows quickly the quicker you would see the results since the helmet is sort of a mold that you want their head to fill. Originally they guessed maybe 3-4 months for Luke.

About a month ago the Certified Orthotist (CO) said we were getting close to the end especially since Luke was approaching one and the older they get the less pliable their noggin' is. I thought "yay- you'll have it off by your birthday!!!"

I could tell a different in his head. However his ears are still not lined up but better than they were. And although his head rounded out more around the lower part of the back of his skull the higher part closer to the crown of his head still seemed pretty flat. But I figured maybe that's the best we were going to get.

This morning when I got Luke out of his crib I said "Today is the day! No more helmet!"

After taking Nathan to daycare Luke and I sat in the waiting room before his final scan.

He was clapping- he does it really slow and soft- so cute!

The scan went well and Luke sat fairly still (if he moves too much they have to rescan) and after the CO went over the ratios and percentages he discussed them with me.

A few of the measurements were now in the satisfactory category but the reading that is the most important is comparing the length of two imaginary diagonal lines. One runs from the front left forehead to the back right of the head (line A). And the other the front right to the back left (line B).

(This isn't the scan- I made this in 'paint' to show what they measure)

If the head is uniform lines A and B would be the same length.

For a helmet to be considered there needs to be at least a 6mm difference. When Luke was first measured the lines were 13.3mm different. Today they were 8mm. Much improvement but still not the 6 or below we would have liked to see.

Carlos, the CO, gave me the option of either stopping treatment or continuing. He said he would have liked to see a 6 or even a 7 instead of an 8 but that we were talking millimeters here. If I chose to continue they would make Luke a new helmet at no cost using this latest scan since he has almost outgrown the current helmet.

I know the older the child gets the helmets are less effective because their skull is firmer so at this point I was leaning towards stopping treatment like we originally planned. I had in my mind that maybe this is the best results we are going to get.

But then Carlos turned his laptop towards me and I saw the outline of Luke's head and immediately my decision was made. I saw how his left cheek still puffs out more than the right. The right side of his head is rounded yet the left side still looks flat. Overall it looked like an oval that someone had slightly squished on one side. It was definitely not uniform.

I thought of what Marcus would say and I knew he would say "if we've gone this far we might as well keep going and do it right" so I told Carlos I want a new helmet made and to continue treatment.

He went on to explain to me that as his growth slows a little bit he will probably have to have the helmet on at least 5 more months to make a difference.

It got me thinking about Luke's growth. I said that he actually is probably about to get another growth spurt because he hasn't really had one since he first got the helmet. He grew SO fast from birth til about 7 months but in the past 5 months he has maybe only gained a pound and his clothing size hasn't changed.

Carlos said he can compare the circumference measurements and it turns out that his head has increased in size only 1 centimeter in the past 5 months. That's not a lot of growth. He agreed that he might have another growth spurt soon making the helmet even more effective.

We have gone 5 months already...what's another 5 months in the grand scheme of things? Not a big deal. We might as well see it through.


Benefits of continuing treatment...

-Better results in the end with head shape
-Give the ears more of a chance to line up (the left ear is still closer to his face by maybe 1/2 an inch or more)
-He's learning to walk and falls a lot so added protection (what parent doesn't like that?!)


Disadvantages...

-Washing helmet and his head every day (not a big deal but one more thing to do daily)
-Being "picked on" by other toddlers wanting to get a better look (was an issue in the beginning at daycare but it has got better recently)
-Hair not growing on the sides of his head so he's getting a mohawk...hahahaha. It's true! This is SO not a big deal...I'm sorta of kidding putting it on the disadvantages list but I was looking forward to seeing a poofy head of red hair instead of the comb-over he's currently sporting :o)
-More bruises and busted lips for mommy and whoever dares to get in his way heh.

I figure at least it will keep him warm in the winter months?

So here's to a round head no matter how long it takes to get there!

Next week he'll be sporting a new dark blue helmet!

Hey- maybe it will match my bruises :)

(combover)

Lefty

Happy Left Handers' Day!

I'm proud to be a lefty although being left handed hasn't always been easy and has caused me adapt to a right handed world.

When I was young my mom gave me a crayon in my right hand. I quickly switched it to my left and began to color. She took the crayon and put it in my right hand again. I switched to left. After this happened a few times she said "hmph- you must be left handed"

I have an aunt on my mom's side of my family and an uncle on my dad's side who are left handed- they are my closest lefty relatives.

I'm grateful that I don't live in the day when they forced you to write with your right hand no matter what. That would feel so awkward! Actually when they did this it increased the person's chance of being dyslexic or developing a stutter.

In school I had issues using those safety scissors. I could never get them to work in my left hand. If I switched them to my right I could get them to cut yet I couldn't cut straight.

The biggest annoyance in school was that since my hand slides from left to right over the words I write the entire side of my left hand was often covered in pencil lead (until I started taking half a sheet of paper and laying my hand on it as I wrote- helped most of the time) Writing on chalk boards or dry erase boards were also tricky.

Many of my childhood friends were left handed and several of my adult friends (I guess we had more in common with our personalities) Both dentists I work with are also left handed.

From how I swing a bat to where I sit at a dinner table- I have to do things a little different. I definitely have the traits that lefties commonly have since we use the right side of our brains more (art, music, etc)


Here are some interesting lefty facts :)

-We make up roughly 10% of the population.

-There is a high tendency in twins for one to be left handed

-LH (left handers) adjust more readily to seeing underwater (ok, that's random)

-LH excel more in tennis, swimming, baseball and fencing.

-LH are more flexible (I don't know if they mean physically or if they are resilient because they have learned to adapt more readily?)

-LH are better at 3D perception and thinking (maybe why I love designing mental worlds/houses/buildings when I read)

-4 out of 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer were LH

-Live on average 9 years less than right handed people (yikes!)

-Several studies have concluded that there are more LH's with higher IQs

-Better at multitasking (yep- sometimes I end up doing about 5 different things at once)

-Harder time rolling their tongue than righties. (yeah- I had issues with that in Spanish class)


Famous Lefties:

-Presidents Reagan, Bush (H.W.), Clinton and Obama
-Joan of Arc
-Julius Caesar
-Henry Ford
-Helen Keller
-A bunch of English royalty (Queen Victoria, Prince Charles, Prince William to name a few)
-John F Kennedy Jr
-David Letterman
-Jay Leno
-Jack the Ripper (yikes)
-Bart Simpson (haha)
-Natale Cole
-Kurt Cobain
-Ringo Starr
-Dan Aykroid
-Tim Allen
-Carol Burnett (awesome!)
-Charlie Chaplain
-Tom Cruise
-Robert DeNiro
-Whoopie Goldberg
-Cary Grant
-Jim Henson
-Larry Bird
-Angelina Jolie
-Julia Roberts
-Diane Keaton

Just to name a few :)

Any left handers out there?

Phobias (and a trip to the park)

I ran some errands with the boys today and ended up taking them to the park with some lunch.

It was a beautiful day!!

When we got there I realized I have not taken my boys to a park in about 11 months (Luke was a newborn) and felt a twinge of guilt. But then I remembered that I have taken them to an indoor play gym many times during the winter and Nathan gets to go to the park sometimes with daycare so I didn't feel so bad.

After a diaper change in the back of the car and a trip to the restrooms (which were surprisingly clean for a park restroom) we sat down and enjoyed our lunch.


This is Nathan asking me sincerely if we could eat our lunch in the 80 foot tree. Um, no son. No.

With full bellies we all headed to the play area. The pea gravel was interesting to walk in and I realized quickly that you cannot push a stroller in it. I felt silly for having even tried! All of the other mommas were eyeing me like "is she really going to try to push that stroller?"

Luke loved the little spring sit on toys.

It took him a bit to figure out how it worked but then once he got it going I was concerned he was going to give himself whiplash! He sat there rocking for awhile with his head down. Then he would look up and look around like "hmm...let's see how far I have gone!"

See?

While Nathan ran around depleting his energy I sat on a bench with Luke. I kept trying to get him to sit in the pea gravel and play but he would scream each time I sat him down. (they were small and round stones so didn't hurt, and we were in the shade so they weren't hot)

So I tried to just stand him there right next to me. He had shoes on so he wouldn't even be able to feel any rocks. Nope. Screamed.

(mad that he had to stand on rocks...with shoes on)

Don't worry. Immediately after I took a picture of his screaming/crying I quickly picked him up to comfort him. I did think it was funny the kid is so scared of rocks.

We had a great day and all went home to take a 3 hour nap (oops)!!

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Just for fun I tried to see if there is a term for rock phobia and couldn't find one (Disclaimer: I know this isn't a true phobia and he just was unsure of the rocks. Every toddler has irrational fears about something. I know he'll quickly outgrow this.)

But I did find some pretty funny other phobias out there. So it made me think of a fun game we can play.

::::game show host voice::::

It's tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmeeee for GUESS THAT PHOBIA!!!!

Here are a few phobias- guess what the phobia is without looking it up....
(people usually comment on fb instead of the blog but I ask that you comment on the blog for this one please)

I'm not sure how some people function with some of these...

In parenthesis I will give a hint...)

1. agyiophobia (couldn't function with this fear in a busy city)
2. ambulophobia (those boots are made for...)
3. arachibutyrophobia (and jelly)
4. blennophobia (sings: who ya gonna call?)
5. euphobia (which do you want to hear first?)
6. geniophobia (the three little piggies response)
7. pantophobia (if you have this- well....there's no help for you. You would be scared ALL of the time)
8. novercaphobia (Cinderella)

Do you have any phobias? I have herpetophobia (snakes) and a little bit of claustrophobia. 

Anyone want to play...?

Modnar

randoM.Modnar

In high school my best friend and I (Hi Amy) would amuse ourselves by spelling things backwards. I believe we once spent an entire summer doing it. Yes- we were (are) dorks. Well I at least was. I guess I shouldn't speak for Amy. Although by being my friend does that make her a dork by association?

My favorite word of all time backwards is Cincinnati.

Itannicnic.

It an nic nic.

Say it. It's fun.

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I wrote a blog post everyday for 8 days and now I'm kind of like ::::crickets:::: "now what?"

I used to blog regularly back in the good ol' days (2001ish, different blog) before blogging became what it is today. I'm sure the ideas will come. Maybe. We'll see.

But what's better than a post full of randomness? They are my favorite post to read from other bloggers actually. Sort of like a "brain dump."

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Shark week on the Discovery Channel starts soon.

So excited.

Every year we clear the DVR and tape all of the new shows. Mike Rowe usually narrates some of it.

So if I just disappear for a whole week- I'm at home with my eyes glued to the tv watching one of the most amazing creatures that God created.

Eeeee! Shark Week. Shark Week. Shark Week!!!!

::::big grin::::

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Luke had his last helmet fitting today. (read my first post about the cranial molding helmet here)

He's had it on for about 22-23 hrs a day for 5 months. Tuesday will be the last day he wears it all day and then Wednesday is his final scan.

The scan is amazing. They put an oversized sock on your kid's head with something attached to the top. And then they scan their head with a laser. Within minutes a 3D image of their head appears on the computer. I'm excited to compare the readings of his first scan in March.

(first scan in March)

I think he will be happy to have it off. He grins real big when I take the helmet off each day for about an hour so I can wash it. He immediately puts his little hands on his head and scratches it with his little fat baby fingers. Cutest thing ever.

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Speaking of Luke. Shew. I'm in for a ride with this one.

The whole "red head temper myth"? May not be a myth. I'm starting to realize how easy of a toddler Nathan was. He didn't get challenging until about 3. I was like "what's this 'terrible twos' thing people talk about? Psh we got this!"

Well now? Maybe I don't "got this!" :)

He is a twister.

He twists and arches any time I try to strap him into his car seat or stroller or change him. And he is strong! I try not to hurt him but I have to force him into his car seat! I end up playing the "act like a fool so the kid gets distracted" game a lot.

He's also loud. He's a screecher. And not only when he gets mad but pretty much all of the time.

He makes this noise that sounds exactly like a cicada. I have never heard this noise come out of a human being before. He does it until he starts to lose his voice. So if you ever hear me refer to him as "Cada"(kay-duh) that's why.

If you take something away from him- he freaks out. If he's trying to crawl to something and suddenly realizes it's a little further away that he wanted to travel- he freaks out. If he is inhibited in away way like in the form of a baby gate- he freaks out.

Temper tantrums don't work in this house (When it's behavior related. When he gets frustrated because he's trying to communicate something that's a different story and I try to figure it out)

But it doesn't matter that he has a temper. Because I'm the mommy. I win. I don't change my standards for each kid. You will obey me. Period. Yes there is grace and mercy mixed in- and a whole lot of love. But I will be obeyed. And it's only so it will be easier for them to obey God when they are old enough to understand that.

The wonderful thing about having a strong-willed child is that you can teach them to be strong-willed for the right things. But I am going to need a LOT of patience and strength and knowledge from God for this child.

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We are having a birthday party soon for Luke's 1st bday and Marcus' 30th. I normalyl stress out a little when we have a large group of people over because there is always so much to do to prepare on top of my usual responsibilities.

This time we have more people coming. Some who have not been here before and some of Marcus' coworkers who (whom?) I have never even met. Plus I decided to make all of the decorations to save money (which includes a bunch of 3D paper stars because I want to turn a part of the living room into this "outer space" area for the star wars theme)

We also have our landscaping about half done. We're doing it all the way around the house and it's a big job and we want to get it done before the party.

Earlier today I was listing what all needed to be done while realizing that the days are dwindling down. I have a bad habit of overestimating what I can accomplish in the time that I have to do it in. It's like I forget that I have other daily things I have to do and instead I plan like each day leading up to the party will be devoted entirely to party decor making. Good thing I haven't jumped on the pinterest bandwagon yet or I REALLY would have too many party ideas!

After I sat stressed about it for a good while I finally convinced my heart what my head already knew. That this is not a big deal. It's a birthday party. And what good is this party if I get stressed about preparing for it and become this "crazy mom" in the weeks leading up to it? So I looked at Luke's sweet face today and promised him that I will not stress out about this party. If I don't get everything done- so be it. We'll still have fun anyways. I don't need anything to have fun with my friends. We are blessed with awesome friends who we can just sit around and laugh until we cry. So we're good.

Want to see the invite? It's pretty cute.

I scrambled the last little bit. Yanno. Since this is the internet and all.

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Have a great weekend!

Breastfeeding: The Main Reason

Well- World Breastfeeding Week is officially over! I have enjoyed doing these posts and really hope someone learned something or at least laughed or maybe nodded in recognition.

To wrap up this week today I'm going to share the main reason I enjoy breastfeeding. I'll try to keep it short and sweet since all of my other posts were long.

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Being a working mom has always been a struggle for me. Everyday I leave my heart at daycare with the boys while my body goes to work. Yes I love what I do but miss my children incredibly.

There are times I am "okay" with the fact that I'm a working mom. And then there are moments when I wonder why God would put this desire so strongly in my heart if it's not possible.

There are low times when I become extremely jealous of stay-at-home-moms. When I hear them say what all they do in the day and I want to say "Yeah? Well I have to do almost all of that in just a few hours in the evening! AND it's also the only time I get with the boys so honestly I want to chuck my cooking, cleaning, washing, bathing responsibilities out the window and just hold my kids- but I can't. I know your kids drive you crazy being with them all day. But imagine the ache not having much time with them. Or missing their first steps. It hurts so bad."

I'm thankful that the "low times" that leave me in tears are few and far between. God knows exactly what I need. When I get in those moods He almost immediately starts showing me the benefits of what I do. Benefits my kids are receiving by getting a lot of time with peers at daycare. Benefits for my patients who pretty much want to make me sign a contract that I will never leave the office because I'm "the best hygienist ever and I never hurt them!" Benefits for me- that although hard on my body and hands- I DO enjoy what I do. The time with other adults. Making a difference. Dissolving fears. Educating. And I know in my heart that He has a reason for this season of my life being a working mom.

Breastfeeding for me has been a way to reconnect with my baby at the end of a work day.

I may not be there to change his diapers or play with him or give him his lunch or read books or watch him learn to clap or walk (you miss a lot of firsts when you are away unfortunately)- but breastfeeding? Comforting him in that way? Nourishing his body with my own? That is something I can do for him. Only me.

It's my time to look at his little face. To hold his hand and think "man, I've got to cut your nails." To let him take his hand and sweetly touch my cheek or even grab my glasses and throw them across the room.

It's our time.

Just him and me.

The reconnection that breastfeeding provides in a way feels like it wipes our slate clean. Both of us are comforted by it. It's like taking a deep breath when you didn't even realize you were holding your breath. And afterwards I can tell by the way he happily sits up, wiggles down and crawls away that he's saying to me "I'm good now Momma"

And just like that.

I'm good too.

Breastfeeding: Nursing in Public and Extended Breastfeeding

(Man oh man this posting once a day is hard! How (and when?!) do you regular bloggers do it? Sheesh. Almost done. I can do it! I'm almost all "breastfed" out, if you will, when it comes to discussing it. In the future if anyone asks me a question regarding breastfeeding I may just write down my blog and silently walk away)


This was going to be my last breastfeeding post but it was getting too long! So I'll wrap it up tomorrow.

I'm a "talker"- so naturally when I type I become a "typer" and get all wordy n stuff. My blog posts get way too long and I'm like "ahh- I have to shorten this! People do not have an extra 30 minutes to devote to reading my blog"

See? I'm even being wordy about being wordy! Ok onto my point...

Nursing In Public

I breastfed Nathan in public a few times in the beginning but started pumping/bottle feeding more. I have a nursing cover that I love and it has been helpful to be discreet. It's much better than using a regular blanket because it loops around my neck so it doesn't slide down/get pulled down and it bows out at the top so I can easily look down and see the baby (the brand is called "Hooter Hider"- not kidding.)

I think it's important for the public to see me nurse but not "see" me nurse. I want to be discreet and private yet help to "normalize" nursing again which will only happen when more women respectfully nurse in public.

Not too long ago it was the only way you could feed your baby. But now sometimes you hear/read comments such as "gross" and "unappropriate" when it comes to breastfeeding. I want the next generation to see women nursing to learn that there is a natural way to nourish your baby other than with a bottle.

Since Luke is getting older though it is getting more difficult to nurse him in public. He grabs the nursing cover and smiles at me because he knows I don't want him to move it. Stinker. He's starting to eat more and nurse little less so I have a feeling our nursing in public days are almost over.

My biggest advice for nursing discreetly in public is wear something that you can easily pull the bottom up or unbutton, a nursing cover, and don't wait until baby is really really hungry. It's a lot easier to prepare to feed a calm baby than one who is screaming and everyone is staring while you're trying get everything situated.

Extended Breastfeeding

My original goal to nurse Luke was 1 year. When I shared that goal with a friend she said "why stop at a year?" and I said something like "because...well....hmph...I don't know."

That got me thinking...Why stop at one? What are the benefits of breastfeeding longer? Are there any reasons not to? I wouldn't "scar him for life" would I? How many women are going beyond a year because I never see anyone breastfeeding an older baby?

So I researched and asked. I found out a lot that I didn't know. I read that at about 12 months your milk increases in immunity to protect that baby who is now toddling around and getting exposed to more germs. Ok makes sense.

I also read that about every study regarding the benefits of breast milk is dosage based- meaning the longer they nurse the more benefit they receive. Which is also true for moms- the longer you nurse the less chance of cancer and osteoporosis.

So the facts were starting to convince me but what about how I felt about nursing beyond a year? To have your kid come up and ask for it? I admit that sounds strange. It's more pleasant thinking about nursing a newborn than a kid running around, screaming, and big enough to "know what he is doing."

This recent conversation made me think back to another conversation I had with a college roomate in which, while discussing breastfeeding, we both agreed "if they can ask for it- they're too old."

I started to really ponder where these feelings came from. Why did I think that? Where did those thoughts originate?

I realized I thought these things because I had never seen a nursing relationship go beyond a year. It seemed so foreign and odd. But I came to realize that it's much more common than I thought. My judgement was stemmed from society's negative view of extended nursing which often has shock value because of the way the media portrays it.

One of the most interesting comments I read about extended nursing is that it never feels "weird" because it's not like your kid is a sweet helpless newborn and the next day they are a monster child with rows of shark teeth screaming "MOOOOMMM- give me some milk!!!!!!" It's gradual. It's the same as watching your child grow- you don't really notice a daily change. So there never is this "whoa now it's weird because you're too old" moment because each day they seem the same size as the day before.

After a lot of searching my feelings on the topic of extended nursing I decided that I will take it day by day and see what feels right for both myself and Luke.

We'll see. He may stop by 18 months or 24 months. I may want to stop sooner. Who knows? But I figure if it's working and benefitting both of us- why stop now?

Breastfeeding: Pumping and Donating

Pumping

With the invention of breast pumps mothers now have the opportunity to continue to breastfeed even after returning to work. Here are a few pieces of advice regarding pumping and pumping at work.

Pumps are expensive. But a year of formula is much more expensive so you are saving a lot of money in the long run. My only experience is with the medela pump n style-which I love. I've only heard good reviews about this pump but there are other brands that are good too. You can also rent pumps from breastfeeding stores or hospitals.

While away at work your goal is to pump the same number of times your baby will eat while away. Usually in a 9 hr workday that would be 3 times for an infant. I knew this would be unreasonable for me since I have a packed schedule with patients so my goal was to pump twice at work.

I bought extra pump supplies so that I wouldn't have to wash anything at work. I now have 3 sets. With Nathan I only had one set and it drove me crazy washing it so often!

At my job with Nathan they did not incorporate any pump breaks or a place to pump so I had to do it in the bathroom.

In 2010 President Obama signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act requiring an employer to provide reasonable break time for an employee to express breast milk and a place to pump (other than a bathroom). This law pertains to places of employment that have 50 employees or more. This same law has also helped many moms rent breast pumps with no cost to them because their insurance will cover it. Other laws regarding pumping at work vary from state to state so you might want to get online and research to know what your rights are.

I work at a different dental office now than I did when I had Nathan and it's much more supportive. There are two different empty office spaces that they have offered for me to use and they have also let me add a 15 minute break in my schedule to pump (the other time I pumped was at lunch)

If you are considering breastfeeding talk to your boss about it before you even have the baby and discuss pumping at work. It's a good idea to stress that it will not affect your work and that research shows breastfed babies get sick less so it should aid in less days missed.

Sometimes there is a tendency to get on your soap box if you feel strongly about this topic and your rights. Especially of you add in hormones. But be patient and kind when making your point. You really do catch more flies with honey than vinegar!

Recently I decreased my pumping at work to one time a day because frankly I was getting burnt out. I have noticed my milk decreased a little but I still have enough for Luke.

Sometimes it helps to have a picture of your baby with you to stimulate a let down while pumping at work.

There are many charts online that show how to store breast milk and how long the milk is good for in different conditions.

Donating

The first I had ever heard of donating breast milk for other babies in need was while watching 19 Kids and Counting. Michelle Duggars donated her unused milk she has pumped for her 19th baby, Josie. I was like "humph- I didn't know you could do that"

Running out of milk with Nathan I didn't really put anymore thought into it because I was hoping to at least have enough for my baby. I didn't anticipate having extra.

I started pumping about 2-3 times a day when Luke was about 1-2 weeks old if he didn't drain me. When I returned to work I would pump 16 oz in the morning, pump twice at work, nurse Luke when I got home and once before bed, and then I would pump right before bed. Sounds exhausting and it kind of was but while pumping you can usually hold the pump against you with one hand and then you have the other one free to eat or do things online so it never felt like wasted time.

Before long I had about 200 oz stored and that was huge for me! But then I started accumulating more and more. We had to get a freezer in the garage for beef and so I would have more room for storage.

My freezer eventually looked like this. And yes there are bags of milk behind the ones in the front.

I realized I was going to have to do something or I was going to run out of room! I called a store in the area that I heard recently started accepting donated milk and they put me in contact with the Indiana Mother's Milk Bank.

To become a donor I had to have my obgyn fill out a health form, Luke's pediatrician (stating that he was getting plenty and the milk I donated was not needed by him) sign a form, and blood work (at no cost to me) Once that was completed I was given a donor number and began donating by dropping it off at the babyology store in Louisville (they can also mail you everything you need to ship the milk)

They ask for you to donate a total of 100oz (not at once but during the whole time you are breastfeeding) but my first drop off was already over 400oz. I felt like a celebrity that day. All the LC's there wanted to be the "woman who donated all the milk." I just kept thinking back to the tears I shed when I was running out of milk for Nathan and now I had not only enough for my baby but also for other babies in need (premies, formula allergies)!

Shortly after that a couple that we know from church adopted their third blessing who they named Lucas. He was a premie and needed breast milk. Within an hour of the couple asking for donated milk I had several friends on fb message me to bring it to my attention. I began bringing milk to church on the weekends for them to take home to little Lucas. With the help of my milk and several other donors Lucas began to grow and grow.

He's now 5 months old- look at those cheeks!

I got to meet him a few weeks ago. I was so incredibly thankful that God had used my body to help grow his.

I have also donated to a few friends who for different reasons were running low on breast milk. In total I have been able to donate over 1200 ounces!!

It is true that it is so much more of a blessing to give than to receive. I never thought I could glorify God through my breast milk but I hope that I have. I prayed for abundant milk and I'm pretty sure his answer was yes :)

Moo.

Breastfeeding: What I learned along the way...

Here are 15 things that I did not know going into this journey that maybe would have made things a little easier. My hope is that it teaches someone something that might help lead to a successful nursing relationship with their baby.

(and of course for fun I included some pictures of the boys because all mommies like sharing those)


1. Nurse within the first hour.

With Nathan they kept telling me to wait but I should have followed my instincts and tried to nurse within the first hour. Studies show breastfeeding within the first hour leads to increased infant survival, more likelihood of exclusive breastfeeding, helps the uterus to contract down in size (less bleeding) and numerous other benefits. Plus the baby is more alert immediately after birth and then they may enter a sleepy phase. A mother's colostrum smells similar to the amniotic fluid so sometimes and infant will amazingly wiggle to the breast on their own guided by the smell (incredible huh?) There are numerous benefits of skin-to-skin contact for both mother and baby so even if you choose not to nurse it's important that you still place the baby on your chest.


2. Wait until nursing is established before introducing a pacifier or bottle.

A pacifier is what sabotaged our nursing relationship in the first place with Nathan so with Luke I waited a few weeks and then he never wanted one. However I do see pictures of friend's babies with a pacifier in the hospital and they continued to nurse fine so there are exceptions.

(Nathan 2 months)

3. Nursing Pads and Nursing Bras

Nursing bras make feeding in public much easier, quicker, and more discreet. I loved the bestform brand at walmart but when I recently lost some weight the bands were too big. So I ended up going to a breastfeeding/baby essentials store and getting a few nicer nursing bras and they make a world of difference! I wish I did that sooner.

I recommend getting one or two before you have the baby. Ask around to see what size to get but typically at least a cup size bigger. I found it helpful to get a nursing bra that sort of looks like a sports bra and not getting a "nicer" one until a week or so after baby is born and your milk is established so you know what size you need.

Nursing pads are helpful because while you are feeding your baby on one side the other side will leak. It also helps if you experience a let down when you are not feeding your baby.


4. The Let Down Reflex

I had no idea what a let down was when I began my nursing relationship with Nathan. The let down reflex (when your milk flows towards the nipple to be extracted) can be stimulated by your baby's suckling, hearing your baby cry (or another even another baby), seeing your baby or a picture of your baby, or even just thinking about nursing.

I've learned that it can feel different for each momma. Ranging from a pulling sensation, tingles, or even not feeling it at all. At first it was slightly painful with Nathan. If I was talking to someone I had to pause a few seconds so it could pass. This quickly lessened until it was no longer painful but more of a pulling sensation or what it feels like when your leg fell asleep and is waking up. With Luke I never had pain with it.

In the earlier stages of nursing I could have a let down if I just thought about my baby. If I was away from him I might be thinking about how he will be due to nurse soon and that alone would be enough to cause a let down (this is when nursing pads are handy!) Over time this lessened for me. By the time my babies were a few months I would no longer have let downs when away from them but only during nursing.

(Luke 7 months)

5. Nurse on demand and choose nursing over pumping when possible.


In the weeks after birth feeding the baby whenever the baby wants helps to build a good milk supply. If you choose to put your baby on a schedule eventually that is a personal choice but in the first several weeks it is recommended to nurse frequently.

With Nathan I often chose to pump and bottle feed especially if we were leaving the house. I think choosing the pump over the baby may have been one of the reasons my milk decreased. With Luke I never pump when I could nurse him instead. I haven't read about it but maybe the act of nursing stimulated more milk production than the pump does.


6. Find a good Lactation Consultant (before baby is born)

As with every profession some people are better at it than others. If you are interested in nursing (and I hope you are!) find a good LC (patient, willing to listen and answer questions, one you feel comfortable with) and get acquainted before baby is born. Have her come to the hospital if possible. Also many hospitals now have breastfeeding support centers that you can visit anytime after baby is born at no extra cost.


7. Small or preterm babies may have more trouble latching.

There are multiple reasons to keep baby inside as close to 40 weeks as possible. An easier time breastfeeding is one of them. A baby born at 39 weeks is more likely to latch properly than a 37 week baby (I found out later that Nathan was small because the preeclampsia limits the nutrients to the baby so they grow at a slower rate. My doctor did not inform me that he may be small so we were surprised. Also I didn't know smaller babies may have a harder time learning to nurse.)

8. It's all about supply and demand.

I went over this before. But the more milk that is removed the more your body will make.


9. Drink more water

And after you drink more water then drink more water. And then more. Here, want some water?

Your body can't make milk without it. I always kept snacks and water next to whichever seat that I commonly nursed in. That way while baby is eating you can to! In the very beginning stages you'll need both hands to help baby but before long you can nurse practically hand free (look mom! no hands!) especially if you use a nursing pillow (the "my breast friend" pillow was my favorite)


10. Fore milk and hind milk

The milk that first comes out is more watery and the milk towards the end of the nursing session contains more fat. Because I produced a large amount of milk in the beginning with Luke he was filling up on fore milk and was't getting enough hind milk (I knew because a baby that doesn't get enough hind milk will have green bowel movements instead of mustard yellow) I couldn't figure if it was best to let him nurse on both sides or empty one side. I eventually made sure he at least emptied one side and then he started getting more hind milk. Everyone has an opinion on when/if to switch them to the other side during each nursing session so you have to figure out what works best for baby and your body.


11. When does this milk show up anyways?

It is common to leak colostrum during the pregnancy but even if you don't your body should still produce it when baby is born. Recent studies show that 95% of mothers are physically capable of breastfeeding their baby so don't worry if you don't leak.

For a first time mom the average time it takes from colostrum to switch to milk is 3-4 days (but that can even extend to 5-6 days). For second time moms about 2-3 days. Just from talking to people I often hear people say they wanted to breastfeed but were concerned their milk wasn't coming in in time. It's actually best for it to take several days because the colostrum is SO good for the baby- giving them a ton of immunity.


12. Babies' tummies are really really small.

The newborn's tummy is so small that they don't need much! That's why colostrum is sufficient for baby's first days. Day 1 the stomach is the size of a marble, day 3 a "shooter" marble, and day 7 a ping pong ball.

(from www.llli.org)

When someone says where your baby is on a growth chart double check and make sure it is a growth chart for breastfed babies (if you are bfing) I have heard several stories of mother's really worrying that their baby isn't growing enough when compared to the formula fed growth chart only later to find out that they were completely normal on the breastfeeding chart. The important thing is that your baby is gaining weight- although how much can vary from baby to baby.


13. It (can) help you lose weight.


(this tidbit of advice doesn't make nursing any easier per se but I included it because it is a nice incentive!)
Some women hold onto their weight when breastfeeding. Some lose weight easier. You can be burning about 500 calories or more a day by nursing! It's the best workout I know. You can sit and even eat while you are losing calories. Yippee!

I went back to my pregnancy weight shortly after having Luke (I had only gained 15 lbs) and then I lost 30 more lbs. I did go on weight watchers briefly to stimulate the weight loss but most of it is attributed to breastfeeding. My metabolism gets fast after birth. I lost a ton of weight after having Nathan too. Having struggled with a yo-yo weight pattern for all of my adult life I will have to start watching what I eat again when it's time for Luke to wean.


14. Nurse even while sick.


Flu? Virus? Cold? If mom gets sick the best way to keep baby safe is to continue breastfeeding. Chances are by the time you realize you are sick the baby has already been exposed as well. Your milk contains antibodies for whatever ails mom and protects your baby. I had strep when Luke was 6 weeks old and I kept nursing the entire time.


15. Got Teeth?


By the time I finished nursing Nathan his first tooth still hadn't broke through. By 8 months Luke had eight teeth. He doesn't hurt me. It's similar to drinking through a straw in a way- you don't use your teeth for that right? He has tried to bite me maybe 3 times total and each time it wasn't hard. He was just trying it out and when he saw the negative reaction from me (saying "ow" and "no no Luke!") he stopped. He hasn't even tried it in several months. Nursing a baby with teeth isn't as scary as it sounds. (or course this is just my experience, I do have friends that have been bitten)


Helpful Resources...

Here are several websites that I found when I was researching breastfeeding before I had Luke. They have been very helpful.

www.breastfeedingbasics.com

www.kellymom.com

www.llli.org

www.breastfeeding.com

Book: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (haven't read it but it has been recommended to me several times)

Tomorrow's post I'll discuss pumping and being a working mom while nursing as well as the blessing of donating breast milk.

(These opinions are mine and only gained from the experiences I have had and articles I have read. If your pediatrician tells you something that is in conflict of anything that I said please discuss it with your doctor and do what you feel is right for you and your baby. Remember that I am not a doctor by any means!)

Breastfeeding: Luke's Story

Part 1 and Part 2 of my breastfeeding journey with my first son, Nathan, was posted on Thursday and Friday.

Luke's Story...

On Christmas day 2010 I took a negative pregnancy test. Or so I thought. A few hours later I glanced at it and saw the faintest second line ever. Seriously. Look? You can't even see the second line but it was there.

Marcus thought I was being hopeful but I knew. God confirmed in my heart that our second child was already being formed inside of me. What an amazing gift on Christmas! Hours later after several tears and holding the test up to different lights I finally convinced Marcus he was going to be a daddy again.

One evening during my second trimester I was flipping through tv channels and ended up watching a tv show featuring a live birth. After the woman pushed her son out they placed him on her chest and she just held him, talking to him and looking him over. They never removed him. They cleaned him up while he was still on her and then she began to nurse him. I started bawling. Marcus asked what was wrong and I said "I want that. I want that so bad." I then realize that I had missed out on this most precious of moments with Nathan since they took him immediately and by the time I got him back he was already bundled up. I longed for the sweet moments immediately after birth to hold my baby close to me.

I was thrilled to find out during a prenatal class at the hospital (a different hospital than I had Nathan in) that they practiced the golden hour. During the first hour after birth the mother and infant get skin to skin contact without interruption (as long as everyone is healthy). I kept thinking about the birth I saw on tv and hoping I would get that chance.

During my last trimester I began researching breastfeeding. I watched educational videos online. I read blogs. I read articles by doctors. I looked at pictures of how to latch properly. I talked on the phone a few times with the LC at my obgyn's office (different office than when I had Nathan) I did everything I knew to prepare for nursing this little one.

8 months pregnant

The pregnancy was uneventul until I developed preeclampsia once again around 37 1/2 weeks. I spent a few days in the hospital when my bp was around 150/105 and then went home on bed rest.

My doctor decided to induced me on Wednesday morning, August 24th 2011, at 38 weeks and 3 days.

My labor progressed more quickly this time because I was already about 4-5 cm dilated. After a while of intense contractions (I think the pitocin was too high) which eventually progressed into back labor I got an epidural (also-the pain was making my bp go higher, so I felt it was safer for both baby and myself that I get one)

After epidural- no pain!

6 hours of labor and 3 pushes later Lucas Wayne Crumbacher entered the world weighing in at 7 lbs 7oz. He looked so much like his brother except he had red hair! (I tease that his hair is red because he was my Christmas present)

I held him and kissed him while the doctor worked on me. He had cried once when he first came out but then his cries were replaced with grunts. I could tell he was working hard to work something up out of his lungs.

His color looked good so I knew he was getting oxygen but he just kept grunting. I began tapping him on his back to help but the nurse eventually took him to work on him. She tried hitting him harder on the back and also tried working a tube down his throat to suction. Neither worked so they let me have a few more minutes with him before they took him to the nursery to help him get the substance up.

Soaking up the moment.

I was a little sad that I didn't get to nurse him within the first hour but my main concern was that he get help so he could breath better.

After I was taken to the maternity ward they brought him to me when he was 3 hours old. He was breathing perfectly fine.

My mom, dad, Nathan, and Marcus' mom all filed in to see baby brother and then left us alone so I could nurse.

As I brought him towards my chest I recalled the trouble I had nursing Nathan and hoped and prayed he would latch and stay latched.

He latched perfectly. He stayed latched and he ate until he was content! I was so thankful. I called my mom and said "guess what?! He's doing perfectly!!!"

The LC from my doctor's office stopped by when I was in the hospital and I pulled out my list of questions I had thought about and began to pick her brain about things. How do I prevent mastitis? How many times should I pump at work? When is it ok to introduce a pacifier? Poor woman never heard back from me after that day! I should probably call to tell her it was because everything went well and not because it didn't work out.

I was concerned about soreness because with using the nipple shield with Nathan I never experienced it. For the first few days I was tender and felt a moment of pain but it quickly went away.

I had more colostrum this time around and my milk came in by day two. I could tell immediately that it was more abundant which is common in second pregnancies and so forth.

We brought our new son home and discovered the tired blessing of having two young ones.

Luke started to pack on the weight and grow like a weed. Before long he was wearing the same clothes at 5 months that Nathan was wearing at 2 years! Now, believe it or not, they can both fit into the same size shorts. Luke is now a little over 11 months and 20 lbs 7oz.

At 2 weeks we tried the pacifier and Luke wasn't very interested. Instead he chose to suck on two fingers on his left hand and it became a bad habit that led to him getting a cranial molding helmet.

Luke had his first bottle at 5 weeks (we use playtex drop-ins) and he has never had an issue of going back and forth between breast and bottle like some infants do.

I began pumping here and there when Luke didn't drain me. Now knowing milk supply increases with the more milk that is removed I was determined to keep sending my body the signal to create more milk. It definitely got the signal! Before long I truly believed I had tricked my body into thinking I had twins. Especially when I discovered my morning pumping was bring in a whopping 16oz!
(I'll explain more about my pumping routine in a later post.)

4 days old- feeling tired but in love with this little one!

With Nathan I was eager to put him on a schedule. With Luke I nursed on demand and still do. During a weekday he nurses in the morning, after daycare and once before bed. During the weekend he nurses probably about 5 times a day.

Another thing I did differently this time around include never giving him a bottle if I could nurse instead. With Nathan I would often pump before leaving the house and then bottle feed in public. With Luke I nurse him when we are together.

There were many times with Nathan that I had recently pumped right before I got home from work only to discover he was hungry when I arrived. I would think "oh no, I just pumped and have no milk left so let me make you a bottle of breast milk." With Luke I would nurse him anyways even if I had just pumped. His nursing would cause another let down and sure enough there would still be some milk for him! I think this is another reason I had an overabundance of milk. Even when I thought I was empty I was sending my body signals to produce more milk.

I can't express how grateful I am that we had no issues when it comes to feeding Luke. Our nursing relationship is still going strong and I have had the added blessing of being able to donate to others in need. I'll post more about that on Monday!

(sorry for the bad picture quality!)

Tomorrow I look forward to sharing my advice and what I have learned during my experiences with both of my boys.

Have a great weekend!

Breastfeeding: Nathan's Story Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of Nathan's Story from yesterday check it out here.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

We took Nathan home on a Monday. He was 3 days old and at that time my milk came in. It was very obvious when it came in because I was suddenly much fuller than with the colostrum.

I honestly don't remember much about our first night home. It's a haze of lack of sleep and trying to calm a fussy newborn who wasn't getting his fill.

He was getting hungry, I was getting painfully full of milk, and he was still nursing just for a minute or two and then would unlatch and scream. Once he got mad he wouldn't calm down again for a long time and then the whole process would repeat. He would maybe get enough milk in him that he wasn't starving but not enough to satisfy him.

I didn't know what to do and was an emotional mess. My body felt traumatized from the long labor and birth and I was incredibly weak. I also was still on the blood pressure medicine and couldn't concentrate easily.

The one moment that stands out to me the most was during the second night home. After an unsuccessful nursing session that left Nathan and I both frustrated I quickly handed Nathan to my mom and went and laid in bed with Marcus. Feeling guilty, I knew I just needed to be away from Nathan. I felt my emotions were crashing in on me.

I was failing.

Failing at something that was so important to me. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and why Nathan wasn't staying latched. He was so hungry- why wouldn't he just keep eating until he was full?

Even in this moment of anger and frustration I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready to give up. I still believed that we were going to figure this whole thing out and that something or someone would be able to help. I was being stubborn but I knew I was fighting for something that is worth fighting for.

About ten minutes after I handed Nathan to my mom and ran out of the room she quietly brought Nathan in our bedroom and said "I got him to calm down, will you try again? I think he might eat this time."

I took his little bundled body, brought him close to me, and he latched. I hoped. I prayed. I thought "this is it!" But sure enough, just a second later his little mouth opened and he pulled his head back pushing his balled fist into me and began to wail.

I handed him to my mom and flung myself into Marcus' arms and I just lost it. I cried and cried the hardest I had ever cried. I heard my mom say to Marcus while she was holding the screaming baby "You take care of her and I'll take care of him" and she left the room.

Sometime later that night one of us remembered the nipple shield that I had gotten at the hospital. We got it out and tried to use it. Nathan would stay latched a little bit longer with it but still did his unlatch and scream routine.

(Nathan at 5 days)

The next day Nathan was 5 days old. I knew today was the day something had to change.

The thought of formula was shoved to the back of my mind and I still refused to let my mind go there. But my baby needed to eat and a mom has to do what's best for the baby and herself. I knew if we didn't get help today I would have to do what was best for Nathan even if it meant giving up my desire to breastfeed.

That morning while sitting on the couch in tears I had Marcus call my obgyn to see if they had a lactation consultant there. The LC had a full schedule but after hearing the urgency of our need she agreed to stay late that day so she could see us.

I felt numb on the way to meet with the LC. I had a migraine and was utterly exhausted. We sat in the waiting room for what seemed to be a long time as the last patients of the day left and the employees finished their tasks. Finally a woman called us back. Seeing the look of understanding on her face when she noticed my weariness gave me hope that she would be more helpful than the LC at the hospital.

While trying not to cry I poured my heart out to her and recapped everything that had happened since Nathan was born. When I was finished I sat waiting to hear what I had been doing wrong but those words never came.

Instead, she assured me that I had been doing everything that I could. After watching Nathan latch, unlatch and scream she said what he was doing was common for a baby born that small and a little early. He simply wasn't developed enough to latch properly but that it would get better in time. Early babies can be "lazy" eaters because that instinct isn't fully developed yet and they don't want to "work" to eat.

She showed me different way to position Nathan and how to latch him properly. Then she mentioned a nipple shield and explained how it worked. She warned that it could help for a while but I would have to wean Nathan off of it, the sooner the better. She showed me that if I expressed some milk into the shield when it was on me then it was basically making me into a bottle and Nathan should stay latched until he was full.

Nipple Shield

After weighing Nathan (who was just under 5 lbs) she let me nurse him with the shield. I made sure that the shield had milk in it before I latched him on.

He latched and began to eat.

One minute went by.

I got hopeful.

Another minute went by.

He was doing it. We were doing it!

I look up at Marcus and smiled. We both took a deep breath and exhaled. Fully relaxing for the first time since Nathan was born. I was so grateful. For this tiny baby that God placed in our care, for the love and support of Marcus and my mom, and for this lactation consultant who was patient and kind and more of an angel than she'll ever know.

After a while Nathan went into a deep sleep because he was content for the first time with a full belly. The LC then weighed him again and we saw that he had took in several ounces.

I asked about buying a pump and that I had no idea how to use one and was intimiated by it. She sold us a medela pump and explained how it worked.

As the visit came to an end and we snuggled a sleeping Nathan into his car seat I couldn't stop smiling and thanking her. I felt such relief! We were going to make it!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Nathan started putting on weight slowly but surely staying between 5-10 percentile on the growth chart.

As he started to grow I got the feeling of "we got this!" and became a little overconfident that we would make it to my goal of six months. I unknowingly starting making mistakes and sabotaging my nursing relationship with Nathan.

I should have weaned Nathan off of the nipple shield sooner than I did. We used it for the first 2-3 months. Although helpful there are disadvantages to it. In hind sight I believe it kept Nathan from fully draining me and therefore my milk began to decrease. It's all a big game of supply and demand. The more milk you express- the more your body makes. It's a game I began losing.

(Nursing Nathan at 2 months)

At 8 weeks I returned to work full time. I would work 8+ hours straight with no breaks (yes, I know this is wrong, I was told I could take breaks but yet my schedule was full of patients and there was no opportunity to do so)

I somehow managed to get one pumping session in at work. I would drag a chair into the bathroom and pump there as quickly as I could, not draining myself enough.

At 4 months I didn't have enough frozen milk to leave for Nathan while I worked. I believe the main causes were stress of an unhealthy working environment, not pumping often at work, not drinking enough fluids, and choosing too often to pump/bottle feed rather than nurse him when we were together. Although it broke my heart a little, we started supplementing with formula so he was getting about half and half.

I had no idea there were things I could do to increase my milk (drink more, pump more, herbal supplements, etc). I thought once the milk decreased-that was it. And honestly I guess I didn't even think to research it unfortunately.

Nathan received both breast milk and formula until he was 6 months old. The day that he turned 6 months I nursed him for the last time with what little milk I had left.

(Nathan at 3 weeks)

Looking back on the whole experience I am baffled at how little I knew going into it. It was like running a marathon with no training- who would do such a thing?! I had researched the science of the benefits of breast milk. I knew the health benefits for a mother who nurses. Yet- I knew so little about actually doing it!

I'm compiling the things I have learned along the way with Nathan and with Luke (who's breastfeeding story is completely different) Tomorrow I will share Luke's story and on Sunday I will share the things I wish I knew from the beginning.

After my experience with Nathan I prayed that if we were ever blessed with another baby that God would give me plenty of milk. And boy- He surely answered that prayer!