Until recently there was a very bad pattern going on in our house. It'll call it the Sunday Evening Freak Out. It is what it sounds like.
Saturdays I am tired from the work week and either somewhat lazy or busy that day. Sunday rolls around and calm Amanda goes to church and enjoys lunch.
Nathan says something funny. Calm Amanda laughs.
I nurse the baby and stroke his cheek. Calm Amanda smiles.
And then somewhere around 5pm I glance at the clock and my DNA changes.
IT'S 5:00 ALREADY?!?!?!?!?!
I disappear and that Amanda comes out from hiding.
You know. She looks something like this.
The Amanda who suddenly realizes that TOMORROW is Monday and ohmygoooossssh I have nothing ready for the week. Laundry, dishes, dust goes flying. Cooking, cleaning, bottles to be made. "Don't dare ask me anything or talk to me unless you are bleeeding!!!".
I would FREAK out. Suddenly everything HAD to be done and everything had to be done RIGHT NOW!
You know, right? What that's like?
What a horrible way to start the work week?!?!
A few weeks ago I was in the midst of a Sunday Evening Freak Out when I heard a blood curdling scream. The type of scream that comes from someone's soul. I heard it but didn't see where it was coming from because my eyes were closed.
The scream faded and I opened my eyes. Marcus and the boys were staring at me with wide eyes and open mouths.
The scream had come from me.
As my own shock faded I thought to myself this is not acceptable behavior.
God used that moment to change my heart (more on that later).
I feel overwhelmed a lot, like a tornado is spinning around me. It's rarely about big things. Those things tend to elicit an "oh it will be fine!" attitude from me (like when Marcus and I found ourselves both unemployed with a 10 month old baby Nathan) It's the little things around me that make me feel that way. Or the bigger worldly issues I see on the news.
Last night I was feeling like I was drowning in all of the to-dos again and this morning I woke up to see a FB status of a dear friend who had put into words exactly how I had been feeling.
She said, among other things, that she wishes she could feel put together for just one day. (I'd like to quote her actual post once I get the okay from her)
I wanted to hug her and then yell from the mountain tops, "Enough!! We ALL feel this way on a regular basis and we all hate it. It has to stop!"
And then it dawned on me that not only do we all feel overwhelmed, but that we always ARE going to feel overwhelmed because WE CARE.
Everything that overwhelms me is because I care deeply about it and that's a good thing.
I get overwhelmed when a loved one is upset with me- because I care about their feelings and our relationship.
I get overwhelmed when my two year old keeps getting out of bed- because I care about him getting enough sleep (and I care about getting some "me" time to sit on my butt after a long day.)
I get overwhelmed by not having much one on one time with my husband because I care about my marriage.
I get overwhelmed meal planning because I care about the health of my family.
I get overwhelmed balancing work and family because they both are important to me and a part of my identity.
I get overwhelmed at the gym because I'm the new girl and I care about getting healthier.
I get overwhelmed when my house looks like chaos because I care about order, cleanliness, and being able to find the things we need when we need it.
I get overwhelmed about poverty, abuse, injustice, abortion, slavery, hunger, politics, the environment.
If you are alive. If you live on this earth. If you care about ANYTHING. You WILL be overwhelmed!!!
What if every day I wake up and instead of hoping for things to go smoothly, instead of wishing my kids obeyed and there was no drama in my life- I embraced the overwhelmed?
What if I expected to be overwhelmed? At home, at work, at the gym.
What if I owned it? Not in a pessimistic view of "something is going to go wrong like it always does" but just in a realistic point of view. As long as I care, it IS going to happen and I get to choose how I react.
Today I started to brainstorm about the positive things that come from being overwhelmed (if you have ever wondered what the hygienist is thinking while she cleans your teeth- it's stuff like this)
When I am overwhelmed I...
1)...depend more on God. I am not able to do all that I desire because I am not capable. I'm not designed to be everything wrapped up in one package. I'm designed to worship the One who is.
2) ...assess what's really important to me. If it's something that stresses me out that I have no business doing and no good comes from it then maybe it's time to let it go.
3) ...learn to ask for help. I am blessed when I help others. I feel like I made a difference to them. How many times have I robbed other people of the same blessing by letting my pride get in the way of my asking for help? There are times to brush off your pants, get back up and do it alone. But there are other times it's good to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness.
4) ...am more in tune when others feel the same way. I identify with them and try to encourage.
5) ...make changes. I love the quote circling around that says "if it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you."
Remember my recent scream in a moment of frustration?
God started working in my heart to analyze why I reacted that way and He pointed out the weekly pattern of stressing out on Sunday evenings.
The next day at dinner I made no excuses but apologized to my family and suggested some changes. I asked for more help around the house and chores for the kids. I suggested we work together on Saturday to do the things that need to be done for the week so we can all focus on spending Sundays together as a family.
The following Sunday we took the older boys sledding for the first time and I laughed and laughed as we flew down the slushy hills. We all need to rest and to make time for the things we love and I had been denying myself that. I hope soon to get back to painting and Sunday evenings sound like a perfect time to work on the painting I started 2 1/2 years ago.
I hope God overwhelms me everyday.
Because the day I stop being overwhelmed means I stopped caring about something very important.
Own it.
