Merry Christmas!

Hands off kid!

Each year, around Christmas time, I buy a box of these...

Chocolate Covered Cherries!!!!

I purchase them in the store, looking over my should like I'm doing something absolutely sinful. Giggling on the inside.

I bring them home and, glancing left and right, I secretly tear open the box. 

I eat one while standing up at the kitchen counter. Only one. And each day I eat one until they are all gone.

Then the next year around Christmas I'll do the same thing.

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Are they my favorite? Nope. They're just "okay" actually. The dark chocolate kind is a little better than the milk chocolate.

You see...my mom loves these chocolate covered cherries and always bought them around this time of year for herself. But when I was a kid she NEVER let me have one. Ever. EVVVVEEEER. 

I'd ask. She said no. I began to know them as "mommy's candy, hands off!"

After so many years of this I started to think they were an "adult only" candy. Like no kid anywhere ever got to enjoy chocolate covered cherries. They fell in along the lines of "life's not fair" and "I'll tell you when you're older."

One day in college I was at the store with a friend when I spotted them on the shelf. Just a simple box of candy sitting there for any adult to buy. I had honestly forgotten that they exist. I realized "heeeeyyyy...I can buy these for myself now!" and brought a box home, anticipating their ooey gooey goodness.

They weren't nearly as good as my childhood of yearning anticipated but I still enjoy getting a box each year and feeling like I'm truly a grown up. And yes I feel a little naughty eating them because....shhhh...they're an adult only delight. 

:)

(My mom feels totally bad that she "deprived" me of these as a kid. Come on mom- you could have said "yes" at least once! I DO let Nathan have one or two each year too.)

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What is your favorite treat this time of year?

SCC (Stephen Curtis Chapman) Glorious Unfolding Tour

My friend Annie texted me a few weeks ago and asked if we wanted free tickets (yes) to see Stephen Curtis Chapman (Yes) and Jason Gray and Laura Story (uh huh)...and to meet Stephen Curtis Chapman after the concert (YEESSSSS!!!!)

Luckily I found a last second sitter and we were off for a date night!

Running late because the church it was at was in the middle of nowhere- we finally made it and were able to enjoy the show.

yes I know my camera is horrible...

Jason Gray was up first. This was the third time we have seen him and he is a talented songwriter and singer. He has a speech impediment (stutter) and it's always inspirational to see how God uses people not in spite of their weakness, but because of them (Jason's words, not mine). He had a really great point he talked about on stage about when a person is impressive then you are "impressed with their impressiveness" but when a person is broken and God uses them- then you are impressed by God's glory. It's God you see then, not the person. Got me thinking.

Oh and he's witty. Gotta love wit.

Next up- Laura Story. She sang her famous song "Blessings" with SCC. Here's a link if you haven't heard it. Her story is always heartbreaking to hear but they are overcoming it. Her husband had brain surgery 2 years after they were married and it's been a tough road.

THEN TIME FOR SCC!!!!

His songs immediately took me back to my adolescent years. He made everyone laugh and then tear up when he talked about the daughter he lost 5 years ago.

I love his new song "Love Take Me Over"

Afterwards we got to chat with SCC for a minute. Thankfully he's been rambling (looong rambles) on facebook so I had some fun things to talk to him about (like his pumpkin carvings) He was very nice and it was a privilege to meet him.

He's a wonderful example of someone who uses their talent for Christ, uses their fame to change other people's lives for the best, and keeps their priorities straight despite of fame and publicity.

It was a great date- thanks for inviting us Annie!

C*I*R*C*U*S

Take me out to the cirrrrrcuuussss. Take me out to the...

oh wait, that's not how it goes.

Anywho.

We went to the circus recently as a treat from Marcus' parents. It's sort of become a tradition for the last few years and although I know it might not work out every year it's definitely something Nathan looks foward to.

This was Luke's first time to the circus and of course Kevin tagged along in the boba carrier.

(Side note: When we first took Nathan several years ago I saw a family with a little baby and thought "Who in the world would take a baby to such a loud and smokey place? Ugh!" HAHAHAHA. I laugh at my 26 year old self. It's a circus, Amanda. Not a bar.)

Luke wanted to ride the elephant with Marcus and Nathan. I internally freaked out a bit. I'm a cautious parent. It's my nature. I just prayed he wouldn't slip off and be stepped on. He did fine and Marcus was right there with him...still. Elephants are tall, yo.

A rare family photo!

The best act was the Chicago Boyz (they were on America's Got Talent) They were auh-mazing! The man in this photo is jumping over 10 people I think. You could tell they loved what they do and it made everyone smile.

Everyone had a blast! Luke's favorite to see were the elephants and he clapped big when they did anything. The only mishaps were Luke taking a tumble down the concrete stairs (I didn't see it, but he's fine) and my not covering Kevin's ears during a loud noise that made him scream (sorry baby). I wish I got a picture of my mother and father-in-law who treated us to a fun evening! We even got spoiled with dip-n-dots (the ice cream of the future that we never quite catch up to).

The cheetah boy was a pretty neat act too :)

Nathan

Can I get a life raft?

I go through phases where it feels like I can't keep up with anything, small or big. Just like any other working mom. Just like any other mom. Just like anyone.

I'm smack in the middle of the "drowning sensation" right now. I know everything is ok. I know I'm blessed. I know the things I'm behind on doesn't directly threaten my job or my kids' health or anything of significance. But still. I don't like my kitchen being so messy I can't make my way to the sink. Cluttered house= cluttered brain. For me, at least.

My house is never spotless or completely picked up. But it's usually not this bad. I just can't seem to even begin to balance the working mom thing. I just can't. There is SO much to do in the little time I am home that it feels very much 1 step forward and 123743 steps back.

Especially when all of those unexpected things arise. Yanno the ones. Like when your toddler decides to wipe their poop on furniture. Or the baby pukes everywhere. Not a big deal. It's a part of having kids. But when a bunch of that stuff happens in the few precious hours I have in the evenings it just makes it so hard to get other things accomplished (and I'm not talking scrubbing the toilet- just the basic things that have to be done- like making Kevin's bottles or washing my pump supplies)

Last night I sort of cried out to Facebook world and then felt like such an idiot* for doing so. It's not always good to have a social platform in times of overwhelmness (yes I made that a word).

I don't want to sound like I'm always complaining about the working mom thing. I know some friends of mine want to shout "it's your reality- just get over it already." And I'm not saying I want to change my situation. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it work for our family because right now I feel like it could be a bit smoother than how I'm managing it.

I don't want to get out of the ocean. I love this ocean. It's mine. I just want to find a life raft.

Although I felt like I deserved some "oh come on, not this again" response (because I cried out for the exact same reasons when I went back to work after Luke two years ago) I was not given that response. Instead I had people honestly trying to offer helpful advice. The best is probably to do more on the weekends and I honestly will try. Usually by Saturday I'm so fatigued I want to be productive but struggle to do so. However if I do start implementing these suggestions I know I might not be that pulled thin by the end of the week.

I also realized I need to say "no" more. Especially to my children. Which is a hard thing to do when I miss them so. 

For instance although I wanted to have a sit down dinner tonight it wasn't done until 7:30 so we ended up eating separately. Before I even sat down to take my first bite my kids were finished and demanding other things from me. Usually I would just wait on my food and get them more food or something to do or watch so I could maybe have 2 seconds of peace to inhale my food. But this is ridiculous! Everyone had eaten but me. So today I said mommy is off limits until I get a chance to eat. 

Somedays I'll make the decision to spend quality time with the kids. Some days (read: a lot of days) they'll just have to be ok with getting their basics needs met and an "I love you, but mommy is off limits for the next hour because I have to get so and so done."

Today I also realized three important things. 

1) I am nursing (and hormonal). This requires a lot of time and energy from me. This makes me tired. I will not always be a nursing mom and will get time and energy back someday. 

2) I am on a blood pressure medicine that makes me tired as well. After an appt with the cardiologist today he said I can wean off of the medicine during the next few weeks if my bp responds well.

3) I have a WHOLE day off in the middle of the week! Many working moms would trade in a kid for that opportunity (kidding). Lately that day has been full of appointments for the allergist, or ENT, or pediatrician, or urologist, or cardiologist, the child therapist, or a meeting about Luke's speech therapy. My day off is so full of stuff that I'm begging to go back to work by Thursday. Hopefully as these visits slow down I will get some of that day to get a few important things done.

I need to remember to slow down, take a breath, know it will be ok and that even if they don't have clean underwear (okay that only happened once) my kids know they are loved. 

I need to remember I just had a baby and no working mom has figured out the balance thing. I need to remember that these are small problems, and although the simple fact that they are my problems makes them feel huge at the time- it WILL be ok.

It will.

Meanwhile, I'm blessed to have friends who don't laugh at my silly little issues and genuinely offer advice and a shoulder if I need it.

Thank you.

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*I felt like an idiot for crying out on fb because it's makes you feel vulnerable to expose a weakness. And by this I'm *not* referring to my ability or inability to keep my house clean and laundry done. I'm talking about my discontent. My feeling of drowning which can lead to ungratefulness. And the lie that it leads to- that I am abandoned in the life that God provided for me.

It's simply not true. But at times I forget that. 

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Side note:

I am very aware that my reality and problems are so incredibly minute to many in this world who don't even know where their next meal is coming from. This is a constant presence in the back of my mind. When I get frustrated that I haven't mopped in so long my floor is sticky I remind myself that with just one kitchen tile I have more than so many others. I know this. I am as aware as someone who grew up with every need met can be. Just felt the need to say that. 

:)

Cutest "lunch lady" ever

Bang. BANG. thump. Whack. 

That was the sound Nathan made every night, all night long, as he slept. His bed is by a wall so he was constantly hitting it as he thrashed around in his sleep.

He has always been a restless sleeper although he slept through the night fine. He would be a zombie in the morning regardless of how much sleep he got because it wasn't quality sleep.

He also suffered from sleep apnea. Walking down the hallway at night I would hear him stop breathing and then a few seconds later gasp for air.

I know someone who has a son around Nathan's age and a few months ago he was discussing his son's behavior issues and sleep patterns. He said they were evaluating him for a possible tonsillectomy to help his sleep apnea. I had a light bulb moment and thought maybe this is something that would help Nathan!

So a few weeks ago, while he was yawning, I asked him when he is the most tired: morning, during the day, or at night. He looked at me with sleepy eyes and said "I'm always tired mommy."

I began researching tonsillectomies. Marcus and I both had the surgery when we were young (mine was due to repeated tonsillitis) and I was surprised to read that the number one reason tonsillectomies are preformed in children these days is to relieve sleep apnea.

Nathan's tonsils were HUGE. I mean, we would look down his throat and wonder how food or air got through there. He is a small boy yet his tonsils took up most of his throat and were almost touching.

I consulted his pediatrician, the child therapist, and the ENT. Marcus and I both felt like this would greatly benefit Nathan and so we scheduled the surgery.

The week leading up to the tonsillectomy I had several conversations with Nathan about the operation and how he would feel afterwards. I didn't want him to be shocked about how he would feel but I also didn't want to scare him. We made a special trip to the store for jello, juice (a rare treat in our house) and other soft foods for after the surgery. 

The night before we went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel as a family. I told Nathan he could pick a "brave boy" toy. He chose a toy airplane and was so happy about it.

I thought on the day of the surgery the hardest part would be denying him food and water the whole morning. He actually did surprisingly well with this since he usually wakes up pretty hungry.

When we got to the surgery center we changed him into the standard hospital gown and hair net. He said "I look like a lunch lady! That's silly!"

Definitely the cutest lunch lady ever!!

Here he is coloring and waiting to be wheeled back to surgery.

After they took him back we waited for about 30 minutes until they said the doctor was ready to talk to us. 

I knew in my heart this was the best thing for Nathan but I never was 100% on board (I'd say I was 80% ready to do this and 20% ehhh is this something he really needs now? Especially since I vividly remember the pain involved with my tonsillectomy) But when it comes to any procedure that involves putting your child through some pain I doubt any parent is like woohoo! Let's do this! Yeah! After talking to the ENT post-op I definitely knew we made the right choice.

The doctor said he knew that Nathan's tonsils were big but once he got "in there" he saw just how large and obstructive they were and that this will definitely be beneficial for him. 

While discussing post-op care for Nathan and thinking of questions to ask I could hear Nathan crying down the hall. My heart stopped each time I heard him and I would get tears in my eyes. I knew what the doctor was saying was important but a part of me wanted to run from that room and scoop my baby up immediately. 

They soon led us back to Nathan who was crying, holding his favorite stuffed animal, and sputtering a melting red popsicle everywhere. I leaned down to whisper things to comfort him and he kept saying "get it off" meaning the IV. 

He said "I hate this place" and "But I didn't even WANT my tonsils out!" We kept assuring him that he will feel better soon.

After some more post-op instructions we got the okay to leave. We headed to pick up his prescriptions and Nathan quickly fell asleep in the car.

He napped for a few hours and then was up watching a movie and asking for food.  We kept him on liquids or popsicles that first day and then he had a week of soft foods.

He was a little out of it but his personality was already shining through and I thought that maybe this will be an easy recovery.

*2 weeks later*

We are SO glad we did this for Nathan. He is finally getting quality sleep. He no longer thrashes around at night and isn't yawning all day.

He wakes up chipper on most days and isn't a zombie for an hour. He gets dressed in the morning easier and overall his behavior has improved. 

Although surgery isn't something anyone should run into we are grateful we live in a day and age where Nathan can get quality care and have access to great doctors. His recovery was much easier than I anticipated most likely because of the modern technology they have to perform these surgeries.

I asked him the other day if he is still tired all of the time. He said "Nope! I feel good!"

Now that's music to my ears.

it's ok to ask for help sometimes

I've been pretty honest about the challenges we've been facing with Nathan lately.

Not to in any way embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable someday (at least I hope not)...but simply to document our life, our journey parenting these rambunctious boys, and mostly to possibly help someone else who might be in a similar situation.

There was a time during my maternity leave with Kevin that my relationship with Nathan was going downhill quickly. He was constantly mad at me. I was constantly mad at him. It was no one's fault. I was 2 weeks postpartum and he had gone through a lot of changes.

I remember saying "I don't know how to handle him. I don't know what to DO!" over and over. To Marcus. My mom. Friends. Family. Anyone whom I thought could help.

During these days I would watch the clock and completely dread the moment I had to get him off of the bus. I would cry to Marcus on the phone and beg for him to leave work early.

When Nathan got home from school I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Terrified of the moment I would have to say no to him or correct him because I knew all it took was for one thing to not go his way and it would lead to hours of power struggles (and my "no" means "no", he knows I don't give in)

On the very worst day. The day that marked a full week of after school temper tantrums that left us all in tears. The day I realized I couldn't even care for my other children because Nathan was taking everything of me- I finally cried out for help. I realized I couldn't do this anymore. 

I said it to my mom. "I need help." I pleaded to God. And I admitted it to myself which was the hardest of all. I have never needed help handling my child before other than advice here and there and I felt like a failure. 

Literally the exact same moment I prayed to God for help a close friend who knew I was struggling with Nathan left me a voice mail. Before I even listened to it I knew exactly what it was going to say. It was going to give me help. My dear friend gave me a name and phone number of a child therapist that had helped her son.

When Nathan finally calmed down and fell asleep from pure exhaustion I called my friend back and just sobbed on the phone. I shared my heart and the ugly things that were in it. She listened without judging like a good friend does and encouraged me to get the help we needed.

It's easy to forget how bad the "storm" was once you are on the other side of it. After that phone call I started lying to myself. The house was calm and quiet and I told myself I didn't need help after all. I told myself that I could handle this and that it would be better tomorrow. I could learn how to control my own child again. I just had to be more in charge. Have more of a presence with him and be fully in control. 

But I knew I was lying. Tomorrow was not going to be any easier and as hard as it was I made the phone call. I was relieved to leave a voice mail instead of having to initially talk on the phone with the therapist.

A few days of phone tag led to an appointment for Marcus and I to lay it all out in the open. We ended up talking about our 5 year old and our whole family for 2 hours. I didn't go in to that meeting saying "fix my child" I went in there saying "fix me, fix us" because I knew our parenting was a big part of the problem. 

Yes, Nathan is very strong willed and stubborn, yes he is a sinner and this is his sin laid out in the open. He was not "off the hook" yet I knew how we respond to him has a huge impact on how he responds back. Nathan needed help but so did Marcus and I.

I left the first appointment feeling exhausted and vulnerable but ready for change. We had a game plan. We had help.

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Fast forward a few months and it is already a different environment in our house. Things are still chaotic but Nathan's outburst are now much fewer and farer in between. We're learning how to respond to him to let him know that he's being heard and understood. We're teaching him that he is in control of his actions and those actions have consequences independent of us.

For instance the other night I told Nathan he was going to go to bed before Luke (he usually stays up later than Luke) because Luke took a late nap and Nathan was already exhausted.

He stormed off and started screaming. He was mad and I was bracing myself. But I remembered what I learned and said "Nathan, we understand that you are frustrated. If you choose to go nicely and put your PJs on then you choose to read a book with me before bed. If you choose not to go nicely and put your PJs on then you choose not to read a book."

(Notice I put the complete responsibility on him- I didn't say "then I will not read a book to you." Don't underestimate the power of a you statement to kids. It gives them a sense of control although the parent is actually setting the limits.)

Nathan stared at me. Blink. Blink. And walked off without a world, put his PJs on and brought me a book to read.

I heard a choir of angels.

Somewhere along the way we stopped seeing our child as a person and instead saw something that just needed to be controlled.

We don't want to control our kids though. We want to teach them self-control.

We have a lot to learn about parenting our children and I know it's a life long process. For some reason I think it's easy to be the hardest on your oldest child and I maybe that has a lot to do with feeling like their behavior is a reflection of you. Everything with them is "new territory"- every age and every developmental stage. We have yet to prove to ourselves that we are capable of parenting well. But this is the mindset that put me on the wrong road with Nathan. That's A LOT of pressure to put on a little child. I'm getting better at separating my emotions from Nathan's behavior and remaining calm when he has an outburst (of course I often fail in this area but I'm a work in progress)

I spent the morning with him today since he had a doctor appt. Afterwards we enjoyed lunch together and then had a great conversation in the car on the way to school. He is SO delightful and funny. We kept smiling at each other through the rear view mirror and I'm getting tears in my eyes just thinking about how strong our connection felt. I missed that so much. I missed him and I'm grateful that we are in a better place now.

Boo!

Part 3 of Crazy Week...glad that week is over!

My body did not respond well to the new bp medicine. I drifted off to sleep a few times yet since I had trouble relaxing I would quickly wake up.

During the night the nurses injected me with two doses of bp med when it got dangerously high except it didn't lower it more than a few points.

Around 6am I woke up to my heart pounding very slowly. It was a strange sensation where it felt like it was working extra hard yet at a slower rate. My bp was 183/100 and a sense of doom came over me. For the first time during all of this I started crying and was truly scared. I kept praying yet it was hard to feel God's presence although I knew He was with me. 

I haven't told anyone this yet but I felt the presence of my cousin Sara who recently passed away and heard her say "It'll be alright." I thought of my boys and no longer saw a future with them. I felt so bad that I wasn't sure if I was truly going to survive. Health wise people go through much more dangerous scenarios than this all of the time so I can't explain why I suddenly felt this way but I did. I was truly scared. I started praying that God's will be done but pleading with Him to help me. I told God "please, I don't want to be done with this body yet." I was shaking so bad and so cold.

Although I knew my mom had very little sleep I called her crying and said I was scared. I told her my blood pressure has been up all night and she said she was coming right away. I knew Marcus was busy with the boys but I sent him a message to come ASAP.

I got on facebook and told everyone that I was done updating about my condition and people could contact my mom or Marcus. At this point I was so weak that it was very difficult to even hold my phone.

My head was pounding so violently. It was the worst headache I've ever had and it radiated down my back. I was exhausted and restless at the same time and just laid there and cried. After awhile I managed to pick up my phone to search for my favorite hymn (come thou fount) and listening to it calmed me a bit.

Nausea came over me and I ended up getting sick right after they gave me medicine for my headache. 

My mom and Marcus showed up when I was feeling a little better and they stayed with me throughout the day. Nothing was helping the headache except when one of them would massage my head and neck. They kept the room quiet and dark yet my body was so tense I still couldn't relax.

I finally got to see a doctor and he said he was going to run some tests and consult with a cardiologist. My body was still not responding to medication so he said he would be looking into another one to try and I asked for it to be breastfeeding friendly if possible. My frozen stash of breast milk at home was starting to run out and I was wanting to avoid formula if possible. 

Marcus stayed by my side and would support me if I needed to go to the restroom. I was concerned about dehydration because of a water pill they had me on + nursing + not keeping anything down + kidneys seeming to work overtime now that the stone was out.

That day they did an EKG, ECHO of my heart and an MRI to check on my kidneys. 

I also was visited by a cardiologist who listened to my heart and asked me a bunch of questions.

Marcus had to get the boys from daycare but came back at the end of the day. I was feeling worse and was barely coherent when he stopped by that evening. The pain in my head was excruciating and all I remember was Marcus saying my eyes were very blood shot and "why does the chart on the door say your pain level is a zero?" I recall yelling "It's not a zero! It's not a zero!" before drifting off into a restless sleep again.

That night I had a male nurse who told Marcus I was his most important patient at the time because everyone else on the floor was stable except me. The doctor put in an order to try yet another bp medicine (the fourth one they tried) and Hallellujah it worked!!!! 

Friday morning I woke up to a bp that said...

My heart rate also went from low to the "high end of normal."

The nurse, Jason, had spent the night closely watching my vitals, researching if my new bp medication was breastfeeding friendly, and hounding the doctor to approve zofran for my nausea and ibuprofen for my headache per my request. What a good nurse! He was standing in my room when I woke up to that better bp reading and I said "good morning, my bp finally went down!"

My head started to clear that morning and my weird feeling was going away. Other than feeling extremely weak and discomfort from the stent I felt tremendously better.

Marcus came back that morning and we cuddled in the hospital bed trying to rest. After the stressful day before it was so calm and peaceful just to lay next to him. The doctors stopped by to tell me that all of the tests were negative.

In the end, the cardiologist's theory is that my body is very sensitive to epinephrine. With the recent pregnancy and the stress of the stone on my body my adrenal glands must have been (or currrenly still are?) pumping out epi into my system. We're not 100% sure this is what has been going on but it did feel like my body was locked into a "fight or flight" reaction.

With almost normal bp readings I was sent home with directions to take it easy, stay on the bp medication, follow up with the urologist, and see the cardiologist in a month.

I was so happy to be home and be with my babies again!!!

I was weak for a few days and was so grateful to have some friends bring dinner over. At one point there were at least a hundred people praying for me because the word spread via church prayer chains and word of mouth or word of "facebook." I am beyond amazed by all of the support, love, and prayers I received. God did hear you and is helping me to feel more like myself everyday!

The stent is gone now (yay!) and I have returned to work. I take my blood pressure medicine everyday and hope to wean off of it soon. My body still doesn't seem balanced out because at times my bp is really low and other times it's higher than I would like. 

My heart rate is low again but that could possibly be from the medicine. It's still a weird sensation to be rushing or walking quickly and not feel it speed up. I had dizziness for a few days with the medicine but my body is slowly adjusting to it. I'm glad that they found a medicine that not only is safe for Kevin through my milk but that also has few side effects.

Thank you to everyone again for the prayers and for thinking of me. Thanks to our close friends Dana and David to took time out of their evening to drive Marcus' car home from the hospital for us. Thank you to my mom who ran herself ragged not only taking care of my boys and the dog but also being there for me when I needed her. I don't know what I would do without her this past week. My washer also broke during all of this (maybe that's a good thing because it forced me not to get caught up with laundry) and my parents took all of our laundry, washed it, bought us hangers and laundry baskets and returned it to me!!

And not that you ever read my blog but thank you too to my wonderful husband Marcus. Who ran so fast across the airport to get home to me that the luggage broke! You came home for me and took care of me when you got here (He missed a private Imagine Dragons concert too when he left his conference early) The first several days after the hospital he did everything with the older boys so I could camp out in the bedroom feeding and napping with Kevin and regaining my strength. I love you babe. (I would appreciate prayers for him too because he's currently sick with pneumonia. Now it's my turn to care for him!)

I was singing this song in the car today to refocus when stress was getting to me. Great is Thy Faithfulness. I have never paid attention to the third verse but it was something I needed to hear. 

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."

Couldn't have said it better myself ;)

Part 2 of Crazy Week

Part of me doesn't even want to finish this story because so much new stuff is going on around us that this just seems old although it was only last week. However, since I have most of it already typed out I want to just get it posted and move on from it. Had a massage therapist tell me today that my right kidney is still very swollen so praying that goes down soon. Anywho- thanks for reading my story if you do- I hope to come back with some cute photos or stories of the kids and something more light hearted soon!

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Last Wednesday morning, the day after I was released from the hospital, I was rushing to get the boys out the door for school and daycare. After running around the house for 30 mins I noticed my heart rate was low when my heart should have been pounding. I checked my bp and was still getting high readings.

I decided to drive Nathan to school for the first time because we were running late. I had the boys in the car and was grabbing my keys to go out of the door. That's when I heard a weird noise. Was that the dog? I thought. Then I looked over. Kevin. My baby. Who I thought was already in the car. He was staring up at me from his car seat. God made him coo at the exact moment I was about to leave him. Praise God! I got my baby and we all left while I was getting a little more concerned about my mind set. (I must mention that at this point I felt completely safe driving or I would not have driven my children, however I still felt very weird and not myself.)

I stopped by my work that morning to have a few nurses check my blood pressure because I wanted to know if the readings I was getting were correct. They got around 168/96.

Around noon, after trying to relax the best I could, I ended up calling my urologist to inform him of my bp to see if that was a common problem after a stone removal. They were concerned and told me to get to an urgent care immediately and that I might need to see a cardiologist. This time I did pack my pump and a few belongings just in case.

My "weird" feeling started to grow and I drove myself to an urgent care knowing that I probably wouldn't be driving again for some time.

I get there and wait. Once they finally get me back and I go through the "well I had high bp during my pregnancies but it's otherwise normal but I just had cystoscopy done and a stone removed..." shpeel they end up checking my bp about 6 times, both with the machine and manually. 192/137. 210/115. And other similar readings. My weird feelings kept growing and I started getting a little dizzy.

They gave me a strong bp medicine and had me lay down for awhile while they did some blood work. An hour later I was no different and started to feel even worse. Both of my parents showed up and we started talking with the doctor about what to do and where to go. The conversation got stressful and I felt my bp go up even more. I got very light headed and knew I was about to faint or have a stroke so I ended the conversation and said I just wanted to go to the closest hospital. 

Marcus realized at this point that he definitely needed to get home to me ASAP so he started working on getting a flight home.

After being admitted to the hospital I laid there trying to relax but felt like my own body wouldn't let me. I knew relaxing was important to get my bp down yet I just couldn't. I'd try deep breathing but if I took a deep breath in my body wouldn't let it all out. I felt tense and was very shaky and weak. The hospital bp machine was getting higher and higher readings.

They informed me that I was assigned to a doctor who wouldn't be there until the next afternoon but meanwhile they were going to try a different bp medicine. I was trying my best to relax and still keep close family and friends updated. Marcus sent a text that he was already on a flight and I was so happy he would be with me soon.

After I drifted off to sleep that night I woke up when Marcus walked in. It felt so good to hug him and know he was there. Mentally I was very foggy and he left so I could try to rest.

It ended up being one of the scariest nights of my life so far.

Part 1 of Crazy Week

I'm calling this past week "crazy week" because it surely was. The week literally felt like a month. I'm documenting it because although it's more fun to remember the good times in our lives I want to remember the bad too. God showed up this week when I was afraid and I want to always recall that.

Ever since Kevin was born I have been having come and go back pain on my right side. I would feel something spasm when I bent down and if I did too much housework or a lot with the kids I would sometimes find myself in unbearable pain.

At times was so intense I would get sick, but since it would come and go with the amount of activity I did I was convinced it was a muscle issue that no one could do anything about. I tried heating pads and icy hot and cold packs. I'd be fine for a week but then the pain would hit again. 

Sunday afternoon we were just getting back from visiting family and I was texting a friend of mine who is a doctor. I was asking her some health questions and asking if she thought I should see a doctor the next day. She said "and if you have back pain go to the ER." I was like hmph- I HAVE been having back pain and it's actually coming back right now. It was the first time it occurred to me that maybe this back pain wasn't a muscle. Maybe I had something more serious going on like a kidney infection.

Marcus was scheduled to fly out to Vegas early that next morning for work and I was gearing up to parent alone. I was running around the house preparing bottles and setting out clothes for the next day as the pain began to build. 

I decided to call my OBGYN since I don't have a primary doctor and left them a message. One of the doctors called back and told me to go to the ER and that I might just need antibiotics. I played the "should I or shouldn't I?" game in my head for awhile but as the pain built Marcus and I decided I should just go.

When I got to the ER the pain was continuing to build and (I thought) as a result they were getting blood pressures like this. 202/116! Normally my blood pressure runs 110/70 except those times it when up when I was pregnant.

A little pain medicine, 1 CT scan and a few hours later I'm being told I have a whomper of a kidney stone (8mm) and will need a stent placed in the morning.

Since this was a relatively minor procedure we agreed that Marcus should still go on his trip since my mom said she could help with the boys.

I ended up spending the night in the hospital and asked them if they could provide a breast pump because other than bringing my cell phone charger I did not come prepared.

Those sterile "specimen" collection cups ended up being perfect for storing breast milk in! They had me staying in the oncology area since they had a free room for me and this place was like a suite! It was a huge room and very nice. The nurses there aren't used to having nursing mommas for patients so they were all curious about the pump and how long the milk would be good for in the fridge.

The next day while Marcus was almost two thousands miles away I went under general anesthesia to have the stone busted up and a stent placed in my ureter.

The whole time I was in the hospital my bp was way up and my heart rate was low. In fact, the alarms on the machines before my procedure kept going off because my heart rate was in the 40's.

When I was coming out of the fog of anesthesia I heard the nurses around me talk about my bp and how it was too high. The nurse said she was told to treat me for it if the diastolic number (the bottom number) got over 107. When it did she gave me some medicine in my IV and the urologist stopped by to tell me the procedure was a success.

When they wheeled me back to my room my mom was waiting for me. After everyone kept asking beforehand "who's waiting for you in the waiting room?" and I had to keep saying "no one" it was really nice to have someone there for me. 

I got to go home the next day (Tuesday). I was experiencing a lot of discomfort from the stent but wasn't in pain. My mom and I were a little concerned about them sending me home since my bp was still up but the urologist didn't seem too concerned. I was told to just keep an eye on it.

I missed my babies and was glad to be home with them although I was starting to wish Marcus was home too.

It was the weirdest thing to see them again. It had only been two days but something about going under general anesthesia sort of "reset" my memories. It was hard for me to recall having Kevin although it was just a few months ago.

That evening at home I noticed that I didn't feel right. My brain felt stuffy and I sort of had a "dreamworld" euphoria feeling going on. Although I had no drugs in my system other than an antibiotic I felt like that infamous post dental-work kid who said "Is this real life...???"

I decided to take my blood pressure a few times before bed and was getting readings around 175/115. Could that be right? Other than feeling a little weird I wasn't in any sort of pain and thought maybe I just needed sleep (after all everyone knows you get no sleep in the hospital).

I thought I would just rest the next day and then be back to me old self but I was wrong.

it's official...

...I'm a parent.

Walking into the school for Nathan's kindergarten parent/teacher conference yesterday was a little surreal for me.

I sort of felt like I was getting a patch for my Girl Scout sash that says "you're a real parent now!"

 (What would be the symbol for a patch like that? a butt with poop smeared all over it? a snot stained shirt? One of the many "badges" of parenthood?)

You would think that the sleepless nights and pacing-the-floor-with-a-crying-baby moments of their infancy would cause the fact that I'm a parent sink in. But nope. It comes in waves for me, those "wow I'm really a parent and these are my kids and I'm 100% responsible for them!!!" moments.

Nathan's teacher is a first time teacher this year and she's wonderful. I am so impressed with the school in general. I'm grateful that in a day and age where public schools get a bad rep that my children have the privilege of going to a school where they can hopefully thrive.

His teacher (I'll call her Ms.E) was handed this child of mine at the beginning of the school year who was going through some major adjustments. He left his routine of daycare to start school right after Kevin was born. I was hormonal and tired and well things were just crazy at home for awhile (okay...still is a little bit).

Marcus and I were so relieved that Ms.E said she was seeing a huge improvement in Nathan's behavior. He is trying so hard to follow directions and not talk out of turn. The biggest behavior thing we still need to work on more at home is respecting the personal space of other people and keeping hands to ourselves.

Ms.E addressed Nathan's initial behavior issues by placing him at a table alone instead of sharing a table with other students (they sit 4 to a table). It has helped a lot and she hopes to move him back soon. 

Although I knew that she had done this via e-mail, it still broke my heart a little to walk into his class room a few weeks ago and see Nathan alone at the back of the room. I didn't let him see my reaction though. I asked him about how he felt sitting there at his very own big table and he said he likes it. I was relieved that there was no sign of feeling left out.

I did mention my concern about how often Nathan loses some or all of recess (he usually loses 5-15 minutes daily for misbehavior). There seems to be a cycle of him getting in trouble at the end of the day (usually from running in the classroom or play fighting with other students) and as punishment he would lose some of recess for the next day. The next day would come and he would have to stand still during recess and then would once again get in trouble at the end of the day and so forth. I was worried he wasn't getting his "little boy energy" out at recess and that it was a part of the problem of why he would get in trouble later in the day. I asked if there was anything that could be done to break this cycle like maybe having him walk or run in a certain area instead of having to stand still. After all it's the lack of socialization during recess that is the punishment- not having to stand still. She said that it was a good idea and that she can try that.

Academically Ms. E said Nathan is far ahead where they want them to be at this stage and is already trying to write sentences! He is drawing pictures and labeling things, trying to sound them out and spell them the best he can (i.e. flers for flowers) He picks up on sight words quickly and I'm going to start sitting down and helping him read Dr. Seuss books because he's almost ready for that. 

When we are out and about he always points out words he knows and tries to sound out the ones he doesn't. We were in a bathroom the other day that had a sign on the wall (I can't remember what it said) but he was able to figure out some of the words by sounding them out. He gets excited every time I say "Nathan, do you know what you are doing? You're reading!!!"

Ms. E noticed early on that Nathan finished his school work quickly (not rushing through it but just completing it sooner) so she began giving him extra things that he could choose to do which has helped keep him from getting bored. She is eager to challenge him and I love to hear that!

My favorite part of the meeting was looking at Nathan's writing "journal." He would draw and color a picture and then label and write about it.

On one day he wrote "Kevin makes me feel wonderful" with a drawing of his baby brother.

Another day he drew his version of spending the day with me at the family farm on a school field trip. I was scanning the picture that he drew and looking at the little pumpkins he colored and the rain falling from the sky. I noticed he drew a big person and little person standing in a pumpkin patch. The big person had a pink shirt and long hair and I thought Awww! That's me! but then I noticed the face of his "mommy drawing." The eyes and nose and...

...a big huge FROWN!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(I sooooo wanted to include a picture on here but the teacher kept his journal since the students are still adding to it)

I guess he'll never forget the fun day we shared that might have included us fighting over the umbrella when it started to pour at the pumpkin patch (for the record I didn't care about getting wet but didn't want my phone to get soaked and be ruined, new phone = expensive)

Oh my. I'm haunted by that frowny face. All day it keeps popping up in my mind and I smile a little because it's just so amusing. I hope he remembers all of the smiles and laughs we also shared that day!

Marcus and I left the meeting with a sigh of relief to be honest. It was a rough beginning of the year but Nathan is starting to act like himself more and I am delighted to have him as our son. We are so proud of him and excited for the rest of the school year.

After all, not everyone gets the privilege of wearing the "parent" badge and I'm proud and blessed to wear it.

Becoming Brothers

On the evening of Kevin's birth I was able to briefly introduce Nathan and Luke to their new brother with Facetime.

The next day my mom and mother-in-law brought the boys to meet Kevin at the hospital. Nathan was immediately in awe over his baby brother and Luke kept saying "baby!" but was more interested in cuddling with me.

The moment I had Luke I could not wait for Nathan to meet him and I felt the same way the moment I had Kevin. Seeing siblings meet for the first time and knowing that someday they will be the best of friends is such a touching moment. It's the beginning of something so dear even if the kids themselves don't realize how big of a moment it is.

Here are a few photos from that special meeting.

(Nathan wanted to be swaddled to pretend he was the new baby)

It was also the first time that the grandmas got to meet their new grandson (the fourth grandson for both of them, no granddaughters)

My dad came to our house when Kevin was a few days old to meet him as well.

People ask me all the time how the boys are doing with Kevin.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Luke is blowing me out of the water. No jealousy issues at all and he's completely 100% smitten with "baby." He asks where he is all of the time if he doesn't see him in my arms. He gives him his pacy when he cries and makes sure that we know "baby crying." He points to his own chest and says "baby wan mil inside" (baby want milk inside) to tell me to nurse him. I thought the 2 year age difference would be hard and it is in some ways but so much easier than I thought it would be.

Nathan talks about how sweet and cute Kevin is and he is equally in love with his brother. When we went to Nathan's open house at school shortly after Kevin was born there was a wall that said "Things that make us happy." Each kid wrote down what makes them the happiest. Most wrote "mommy" or "daddy" but Nathan wrote "Kevin"...melt.

(hard to see but the one with the yellow smiley faces says "Kevin makes me happy")

I'm very grateful for all of my boys and their love towards each other. I know that love will carry them through thick or thin.

Brothers