it's ok to ask for help sometimes

I've been pretty honest about the challenges we've been facing with Nathan lately.

Not to in any way embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable someday (at least I hope not)...but simply to document our life, our journey parenting these rambunctious boys, and mostly to possibly help someone else who might be in a similar situation.

There was a time during my maternity leave with Kevin that my relationship with Nathan was going downhill quickly. He was constantly mad at me. I was constantly mad at him. It was no one's fault. I was 2 weeks postpartum and he had gone through a lot of changes.

I remember saying "I don't know how to handle him. I don't know what to DO!" over and over. To Marcus. My mom. Friends. Family. Anyone whom I thought could help.

During these days I would watch the clock and completely dread the moment I had to get him off of the bus. I would cry to Marcus on the phone and beg for him to leave work early.

When Nathan got home from school I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Terrified of the moment I would have to say no to him or correct him because I knew all it took was for one thing to not go his way and it would lead to hours of power struggles (and my "no" means "no", he knows I don't give in)

On the very worst day. The day that marked a full week of after school temper tantrums that left us all in tears. The day I realized I couldn't even care for my other children because Nathan was taking everything of me- I finally cried out for help. I realized I couldn't do this anymore. 

I said it to my mom. "I need help." I pleaded to God. And I admitted it to myself which was the hardest of all. I have never needed help handling my child before other than advice here and there and I felt like a failure. 

Literally the exact same moment I prayed to God for help a close friend who knew I was struggling with Nathan left me a voice mail. Before I even listened to it I knew exactly what it was going to say. It was going to give me help. My dear friend gave me a name and phone number of a child therapist that had helped her son.

When Nathan finally calmed down and fell asleep from pure exhaustion I called my friend back and just sobbed on the phone. I shared my heart and the ugly things that were in it. She listened without judging like a good friend does and encouraged me to get the help we needed.

It's easy to forget how bad the "storm" was once you are on the other side of it. After that phone call I started lying to myself. The house was calm and quiet and I told myself I didn't need help after all. I told myself that I could handle this and that it would be better tomorrow. I could learn how to control my own child again. I just had to be more in charge. Have more of a presence with him and be fully in control. 

But I knew I was lying. Tomorrow was not going to be any easier and as hard as it was I made the phone call. I was relieved to leave a voice mail instead of having to initially talk on the phone with the therapist.

A few days of phone tag led to an appointment for Marcus and I to lay it all out in the open. We ended up talking about our 5 year old and our whole family for 2 hours. I didn't go in to that meeting saying "fix my child" I went in there saying "fix me, fix us" because I knew our parenting was a big part of the problem. 

Yes, Nathan is very strong willed and stubborn, yes he is a sinner and this is his sin laid out in the open. He was not "off the hook" yet I knew how we respond to him has a huge impact on how he responds back. Nathan needed help but so did Marcus and I.

I left the first appointment feeling exhausted and vulnerable but ready for change. We had a game plan. We had help.

+++++++++++++++++

Fast forward a few months and it is already a different environment in our house. Things are still chaotic but Nathan's outburst are now much fewer and farer in between. We're learning how to respond to him to let him know that he's being heard and understood. We're teaching him that he is in control of his actions and those actions have consequences independent of us.

For instance the other night I told Nathan he was going to go to bed before Luke (he usually stays up later than Luke) because Luke took a late nap and Nathan was already exhausted.

He stormed off and started screaming. He was mad and I was bracing myself. But I remembered what I learned and said "Nathan, we understand that you are frustrated. If you choose to go nicely and put your PJs on then you choose to read a book with me before bed. If you choose not to go nicely and put your PJs on then you choose not to read a book."

(Notice I put the complete responsibility on him- I didn't say "then I will not read a book to you." Don't underestimate the power of a you statement to kids. It gives them a sense of control although the parent is actually setting the limits.)

Nathan stared at me. Blink. Blink. And walked off without a world, put his PJs on and brought me a book to read.

I heard a choir of angels.

Somewhere along the way we stopped seeing our child as a person and instead saw something that just needed to be controlled.

We don't want to control our kids though. We want to teach them self-control.

We have a lot to learn about parenting our children and I know it's a life long process. For some reason I think it's easy to be the hardest on your oldest child and I maybe that has a lot to do with feeling like their behavior is a reflection of you. Everything with them is "new territory"- every age and every developmental stage. We have yet to prove to ourselves that we are capable of parenting well. But this is the mindset that put me on the wrong road with Nathan. That's A LOT of pressure to put on a little child. I'm getting better at separating my emotions from Nathan's behavior and remaining calm when he has an outburst (of course I often fail in this area but I'm a work in progress)

I spent the morning with him today since he had a doctor appt. Afterwards we enjoyed lunch together and then had a great conversation in the car on the way to school. He is SO delightful and funny. We kept smiling at each other through the rear view mirror and I'm getting tears in my eyes just thinking about how strong our connection felt. I missed that so much. I missed him and I'm grateful that we are in a better place now.