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We took Nathan home on a Monday. He was 3 days old and at that time my milk came in. It was very obvious when it came in because I was suddenly much fuller than with the colostrum.
I honestly don't remember much about our first night home. It's a haze of lack of sleep and trying to calm a fussy newborn who wasn't getting his fill.
He was getting hungry, I was getting painfully full of milk, and he was still nursing just for a minute or two and then would unlatch and scream. Once he got mad he wouldn't calm down again for a long time and then the whole process would repeat. He would maybe get enough milk in him that he wasn't starving but not enough to satisfy him.
I didn't know what to do and was an emotional mess. My body felt traumatized from the long labor and birth and I was incredibly weak. I also was still on the blood pressure medicine and couldn't concentrate easily.
The one moment that stands out to me the most was during the second night home. After an unsuccessful nursing session that left Nathan and I both frustrated I quickly handed Nathan to my mom and went and laid in bed with Marcus. Feeling guilty, I knew I just needed to be away from Nathan. I felt my emotions were crashing in on me.
I was failing.
Failing at something that was so important to me. I didn't know what I was doing wrong and why Nathan wasn't staying latched. He was so hungry- why wouldn't he just keep eating until he was full?
Even in this moment of anger and frustration I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready to give up. I still believed that we were going to figure this whole thing out and that something or someone would be able to help. I was being stubborn but I knew I was fighting for something that is worth fighting for.
About ten minutes after I handed Nathan to my mom and ran out of the room she quietly brought Nathan in our bedroom and said "I got him to calm down, will you try again? I think he might eat this time."
I took his little bundled body, brought him close to me, and he latched. I hoped. I prayed. I thought "this is it!" But sure enough, just a second later his little mouth opened and he pulled his head back pushing his balled fist into me and began to wail.
I handed him to my mom and flung myself into Marcus' arms and I just lost it. I cried and cried the hardest I had ever cried. I heard my mom say to Marcus while she was holding the screaming baby "You take care of her and I'll take care of him" and she left the room.
Sometime later that night one of us remembered the nipple shield that I had gotten at the hospital. We got it out and tried to use it. Nathan would stay latched a little bit longer with it but still did his unlatch and scream routine.
(Nathan at 5 days)
The thought of formula was shoved to the back of my mind and I still refused to let my mind go there. But my baby needed to eat and a mom has to do what's best for the baby and herself. I knew if we didn't get help today I would have to do what was best for Nathan even if it meant giving up my desire to breastfeed.
That morning while sitting on the couch in tears I had Marcus call my obgyn to see if they had a lactation consultant there. The LC had a full schedule but after hearing the urgency of our need she agreed to stay late that day so she could see us.
I felt numb on the way to meet with the LC. I had a migraine and was utterly exhausted. We sat in the waiting room for what seemed to be a long time as the last patients of the day left and the employees finished their tasks. Finally a woman called us back. Seeing the look of understanding on her face when she noticed my weariness gave me hope that she would be more helpful than the LC at the hospital.
While trying not to cry I poured my heart out to her and recapped everything that had happened since Nathan was born. When I was finished I sat waiting to hear what I had been doing wrong but those words never came.
Instead, she assured me that I had been doing everything that I could. After watching Nathan latch, unlatch and scream she said what he was doing was common for a baby born that small and a little early. He simply wasn't developed enough to latch properly but that it would get better in time. Early babies can be "lazy" eaters because that instinct isn't fully developed yet and they don't want to "work" to eat.
She showed me different way to position Nathan and how to latch him properly. Then she mentioned a nipple shield and explained how it worked. She warned that it could help for a while but I would have to wean Nathan off of it, the sooner the better. She showed me that if I expressed some milk into the shield when it was on me then it was basically making me into a bottle and Nathan should stay latched until he was full.
Nipple Shield
After weighing Nathan (who was just under 5 lbs) she let me nurse him with the shield. I made sure that the shield had milk in it before I latched him on.
He latched and began to eat.
One minute went by.
I got hopeful.
Another minute went by.
He was doing it. We were doing it!
I look up at Marcus and smiled. We both took a deep breath and exhaled. Fully relaxing for the first time since Nathan was born. I was so grateful. For this tiny baby that God placed in our care, for the love and support of Marcus and my mom, and for this lactation consultant who was patient and kind and more of an angel than she'll ever know.
After a while Nathan went into a deep sleep because he was content for the first time with a full belly. The LC then weighed him again and we saw that he had took in several ounces.
I asked about buying a pump and that I had no idea how to use one and was intimiated by it. She sold us a medela pump and explained how it worked.
As the visit came to an end and we snuggled a sleeping Nathan into his car seat I couldn't stop smiling and thanking her. I felt such relief! We were going to make it!
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Nathan started putting on weight slowly but surely staying between 5-10 percentile on the growth chart.
As he started to grow I got the feeling of "we got this!" and became a little overconfident that we would make it to my goal of six months. I unknowingly starting making mistakes and sabotaging my nursing relationship with Nathan.
I should have weaned Nathan off of the nipple shield sooner than I did. We used it for the first 2-3 months. Although helpful there are disadvantages to it. In hind sight I believe it kept Nathan from fully draining me and therefore my milk began to decrease. It's all a big game of supply and demand. The more milk you express- the more your body makes. It's a game I began losing.
(Nursing Nathan at 2 months)
At 8 weeks I returned to work full time. I would work 8+ hours straight with no breaks (yes, I know this is wrong, I was told I could take breaks but yet my schedule was full of patients and there was no opportunity to do so)
I somehow managed to get one pumping session in at work. I would drag a chair into the bathroom and pump there as quickly as I could, not draining myself enough.
At 4 months I didn't have enough frozen milk to leave for Nathan while I worked. I believe the main causes were stress of an unhealthy working environment, not pumping often at work, not drinking enough fluids, and choosing too often to pump/bottle feed rather than nurse him when we were together. Although it broke my heart a little, we started supplementing with formula so he was getting about half and half.
I had no idea there were things I could do to increase my milk (drink more, pump more, herbal supplements, etc). I thought once the milk decreased-that was it. And honestly I guess I didn't even think to research it unfortunately.
Nathan received both breast milk and formula until he was 6 months old. The day that he turned 6 months I nursed him for the last time with what little milk I had left.
(Nathan at 3 weeks)
Looking back on the whole experience I am baffled at how little I knew going into it. It was like running a marathon with no training- who would do such a thing?! I had researched the science of the benefits of breast milk. I knew the health benefits for a mother who nurses. Yet- I knew so little about actually doing it!
I'm compiling the things I have learned along the way with Nathan and with Luke (who's breastfeeding story is completely different) Tomorrow I will share Luke's story and on Sunday I will share the things I wish I knew from the beginning.
After my experience with Nathan I prayed that if we were ever blessed with another baby that God would give me plenty of milk. And boy- He surely answered that prayer!
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