The pregnancy was uneventful until I headed into my last trimester. My ankles began to swell and I would feel my heart race. I developed preeclampsia at 32 weeks and was put on bed rest. I was also placed on a blood pressure medication that made me feel drugged, sleepy, and foggy.
At 37 weeks the doctor didn't like my non-stress tests and the baby failed the biophysical profile (an ultrasound looking for all signs of a healthy baby) so the doctor sent me straight to the hospital. I didn't even have my hospital bag packed yet!
On Leap Day 2008, 26 hours after they induced labor, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy weighing at 5 lbs 12 oz. We named him Nathan Lee Crumbacher.
When I went into the hospital they asked me a series of questions- one being if I planned on breastfeeding. I said yes.
I didn't know much about the act of breastfeeding. I did know quite a bit about the science of it. I had wrote a paper in high school (entitled: I am woman, hear me moo) about all the benefits of breastfeeding and also did a speech in college about the subject (in a class full of men! Haha) But as far as how it works- I was sort of clueless.
Being so caught up on the "process" of birth I in no way anticipated the emotions of giving birth. It wasn't until I pushed him out and saw his little body and head full of hair that I truly realized I was meeting my son for the first time. I saw his precious little chin that looked just like his daddy's and thought "He's here! My son!". My heart was suddenly full of such joy and love for this itty bitty baby that God had given us. (The name Nathan means "God has given")
The feelings of joy began to dim once I realized how truly exhausted I was. I hadn't slept for 2 days and haven't eaten either.
While my doctor was tending to me they weighed Nathan and checked him out. They then swaddled him, handed him to me and left the room.
Several family members filed in to see the new baby and to learn his name. We had kept the name a secret during the pregnancy. I just laid there trying to soak up the moment but feeling every ounce of energy was completely gone.
After a while a nurse came back in. Until this point I had forgotten about trying to feed him so I asked if I should try now. She said "no, we're about to move you to the maternity ward"- awhile later- same thing. I asked- they said no. This happened several times. Although I felt it was strange that they kept telling me no I trusted that they would tell me what was best and so we just waited and waited.
Finally someone moved me to my new room. They immediately took Nathan to give him a bath and have the pediatrician examine him.
During this time I decided to take a shower because I felt so gross from the hours of labor and didn't want to nurse him feeling icky. Half way through I realized how big of a mistake that was! Don't shower hours after giving birth- especially without your spouse there. Marcus had went home to take a quick shower and change.
When they finally brought Nathan back to me around midnight he was over 6 hours old. I couldn't believe how little he was! The nurse called him a little peanut. The nurse asked if I had fed him yet and I said "no- they kept telling me not to." She said "oh...it's best to try to nurse within the first hour"- it was the first I had heard of that.
She brought Nathan to me and I thought "ok- here goes nothing" and although he was drowsy he seemed to latch right on. Or so I thought. I didn't really know what a good latch looked like or felt like but it seemed he was getting the hang of it.
I had no idea that there are ways of position a baby to encourage a "healthy" latch. Feeding him on the right side felt ok but the left side felt uncomfortable since I'm left handed. In fact the whole experience felt awkward. Could he breathe? Was he getting anything? If I was doing this right why did I feel clumsy?
He took forever to eat because he kept falling asleep. He would take about an hour and a half to eat and then they would bring him right back about an hour later and I thought "I just fed him!"
After two sort of successful nursing sessions Nathan seemed to want to keep sucking on something so I told Marcus to tell the nurses in the nursery that maybe he wants a pacifier. They gave him a pacifier and it all went downhill from there.
Once Nathan had the pacifier he didn't want me anymore. He preferred the hard plastic. He would latch for a few seconds and then pull away and scream his little heart out. Marcus and I were confused because it seemed like he was doing well only hours before. We didn't understand the pacifier was to blame.
We kept trying and he kept screaming and finally we called for a lactation consultant and were told she wasn't on duty for a few more hours. The clock slowly ticked away while we kept trying to get him to latch. We prayed that help was on the way!
Later that morning when a LC finally came she observed Nathan trying to eat, saw how he would unlatch and scream and then she started getting frustrated with him. I thought to myself "How are you going to help me when you are getting more frustrated than I am?" She said she didn't know why he was behaving that way, mentioned a nipple shield, gave me one not explaining anything about it and left the room. I think it was shoved in the diaper bag and forgotten.
All this time Nathan would nurse some but not enough to fill his belly, falling asleep quickly. He was still sleepy from being jaundiced and remnants of the blood pressure medicine I was on.
One of the nurses asked me if my milk came in yet. I said "I have no idea- something is coming out"- and wondered how I was supposed to know when it switched from colostrum to milk. She also used the term "let down" that I had never heard and I wasn't sure what she meant.
As my blood pressure medication started to lower and reality set in I began to dread going home from the hospital. After living in a mental fog for a few months I felt completely unprepared to care for this newborn. But the day came when my blood pressure was at a less dangerous level and we were sent home. Nathan was 3 days old.
The next few days ended up being the most stressful days of my life. Intermixed with the moments of joy marveling over the tiny human that we had created were moments of frustration, insecurity and unknowns.
I'll share the remainder of Nathan's Story in Part 2 tomorrow.
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