Anticipate Joy

I remember walking into the labor and delivery room 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby completely scared to death. I saw the hospital bed and froze in place thinking that's where it's going to happen...

Throughout the labor process, having no idea what I was doing and tired of being drugged up on blood pressure medicine for months, I did not once think "I'm about to meet my son!"

I was so incredibly wrapped up in the immediate situation, feeling lost and afraid and unsure of everything. My brain might as well had been spaghetti because I promise you that bp medicine dopes you up and you can't think much beyond immediate needs. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. That hurts.

26 hours later I pushed Nathan out of my body and it was literally the first moment that it dawned on me why we were there. I saw him and one single tear rolled down my face. I saw him and thought He's here!!! and I fell in love. Still scared and lost and unsure- but it felt like I at least then had a connection to reality.

Throughout my first pregnancy I kept thinking of the lack of sleep, the poopy diapers, the never getting a chance to shower. Yes this baby was wanted although he was a complete surprise after being told it may be difficult to conceive and going sometimes 5 months with no cycle.

But I didn't anticipate joy. I didn't think of the love that would grow in my heart for this new being that God knit together cell by cell inside of me. I didn't realize that although children are a lot of work that it fades in the background compared to how much they mean to you. How much they will change you and every aspect of your life.

As I near the end of my pregnancy with my third son I sometimes get overwhelmed with the thoughts of what's coming. Adjusting to two was actually easy for me for the most part. A lot of that is attributed to the fact that my oldest was 3 1/2 when Luke came along. He was potty trained. He could get water for himself if he was thirsty. He was easily entertained and understood the changes that our family was going through. There were no jealousy issues.

Luke will still be one when Kevin arrives. This whole toddler and newborn thing is new territory for me and this mama gets worried sometimes.

When I fall down that black hole of worry, when it starts to snowball to the point of a scrunched up forehead, tension in my muscles and almost hyperventilating- I am reminded. Anticipate joy. I repeat it in my mind a few times.

Anticipate joy.

Anticipate joy.

God is constantly revealing to me the power of perspective. It's everything, really. I've talked to people in horrible pain and who have lost everything who are just grateful that they have air in their lungs and that God's mercies are new every morning. I've talked to people that have everything but are far from peace and contentment. It's all about perspective.

So that's my focus right now as things get more and more uncomfortable as my body is currently a temporary living space for another sweet growing baby boy. To simply anticipate joy.