He was an angel at the age of 2. Then 3 hit and we wondered what happened. Surely he would outgrow this intense strong will and attitude by 4 right? Ha! 4 came and then 5 and I lost all of my hair and all sense of sanity.
I've always had a strong connection with my oldest son. I always "got" him. But then suddenly I didn't and it felt like a little stranger with gorgeous eyes living in my house and I was at a loss. I felt fake interacting with him. I was no longer a genuine loving mother. I forced my smiles at him. The "good job sweetie" voice did not belong to me. I don't like feeling fake especially towards my own flesh and blood.
What came first- the chicken or the egg? Did I feel this way because of his behavior or did he act out because he sensed I was feeling this way towards him? I'll never know.
It's been a rough first several weeks of kindergarten with him but we are slowly getting better. He is and I am. My hormones are calming down a bit and it's easier for me not to blow up over the first sign of disobedience. I'm being more proactive and helping to calm him before things get out of hand. We've gone a whole week without me calling my mom screaming and crying into the phone that I have no idea how to parent my child. I started being intentional with him. Reading to him. Complimenting him and just simply showing him that I do love him more.
And just like that the connection is back. I get him. And he knows it. His extra hugs and "love you mommy"s tell me. I sigh and know that we'll survive.
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Something in me woke up yesterday after visiting a loved one under hospice care in the hospital. I realized that life with young kids is not permanent. Life is short and incomprehensibly precious and kids do grow. In a few years I won't have "little ones" and it will be easier and it will be harder. This moment in my life is not my complete identity. I will not always be the mom with itty bitty kids. Things change.
It also occurred to me that a part of my frustration towards Nathan and towards myself is that somehow along the way I had convicted myself that I had to figure out how to be everything to everyone because "this is my life forever and I want to be good at it." I wanted that confident "I got this" feeling.
I had that feeling after I had Luke. I somehow went the whole maternity leave keeping the house clean, taking the boys on fun outings and cooking yummy meals (things fell apart a little when I went back to work) Why did I put the exact same expectations on myself when going from 2 kids to 3? It's a big change. Especially since the age gap is much smaller this time around.
The "I got this" is just not happening right now and I need to be okay with that. I have a 2yr old who is showing me he's just as, if not more, strong willed as his brother. And the newest little bean who requires me to sit often to feed him, hold him, and change him. It's just not happening.
Yesterday I finally heard God's voice saying "No, you can't do it, but I can. Why do you wait until you are at your end before calling out to me? I got this. I got this."
So here we are. A month post partum. A little chaotic (okay, a lot), a little messy, a little dirty (a shower? what's that?), a little lost, a little booboo with a little bandaid and a kiss, and we're okay. Life is good. It's life. And I'm grateful.
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