I'm smack in the middle of the "drowning sensation" right now. I know everything is ok. I know I'm blessed. I know the things I'm behind on doesn't directly threaten my job or my kids' health or anything of significance. But still. I don't like my kitchen being so messy I can't make my way to the sink. Cluttered house= cluttered brain. For me, at least.
My house is never spotless or completely picked up. But it's usually not this bad. I just can't seem to even begin to balance the working mom thing. I just can't. There is SO much to do in the little time I am home that it feels very much 1 step forward and 123743 steps back.
Especially when all of those unexpected things arise. Yanno the ones. Like when your toddler decides to wipe their poop on furniture. Or the baby pukes everywhere. Not a big deal. It's a part of having kids. But when a bunch of that stuff happens in the few precious hours I have in the evenings it just makes it so hard to get other things accomplished (and I'm not talking scrubbing the toilet- just the basic things that have to be done- like making Kevin's bottles or washing my pump supplies)
Last night I sort of cried out to Facebook world and then felt like such an idiot* for doing so. It's not always good to have a social platform in times of overwhelmness (yes I made that a word).
I don't want to sound like I'm always complaining about the working mom thing. I know some friends of mine want to shout "it's your reality- just get over it already." And I'm not saying I want to change my situation. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it work for our family because right now I feel like it could be a bit smoother than how I'm managing it.
I don't want to get out of the ocean. I love this ocean. It's mine. I just want to find a life raft.
Although I felt like I deserved some "oh come on, not this again" response (because I cried out for the exact same reasons when I went back to work after Luke two years ago) I was not given that response. Instead I had people honestly trying to offer helpful advice. The best is probably to do more on the weekends and I honestly will try. Usually by Saturday I'm so fatigued I want to be productive but struggle to do so. However if I do start implementing these suggestions I know I might not be that pulled thin by the end of the week.
I also realized I need to say "no" more. Especially to my children. Which is a hard thing to do when I miss them so.
For instance although I wanted to have a sit down dinner tonight it wasn't done until 7:30 so we ended up eating separately. Before I even sat down to take my first bite my kids were finished and demanding other things from me. Usually I would just wait on my food and get them more food or something to do or watch so I could maybe have 2 seconds of peace to inhale my food. But this is ridiculous! Everyone had eaten but me. So today I said mommy is off limits until I get a chance to eat.
Somedays I'll make the decision to spend quality time with the kids. Some days (read: a lot of days) they'll just have to be ok with getting their basics needs met and an "I love you, but mommy is off limits for the next hour because I have to get so and so done."
Today I also realized three important things.
1) I am nursing (and hormonal). This requires a lot of time and energy from me. This makes me tired. I will not always be a nursing mom and will get time and energy back someday.
2) I am on a blood pressure medicine that makes me tired as well. After an appt with the cardiologist today he said I can wean off of the medicine during the next few weeks if my bp responds well.
3) I have a WHOLE day off in the middle of the week! Many working moms would trade in a kid for that opportunity (kidding). Lately that day has been full of appointments for the allergist, or ENT, or pediatrician, or urologist, or cardiologist, the child therapist, or a meeting about Luke's speech therapy. My day off is so full of stuff that I'm begging to go back to work by Thursday. Hopefully as these visits slow down I will get some of that day to get a few important things done.
I need to remember to slow down, take a breath, know it will be ok and that even if they don't have clean underwear (okay that only happened once) my kids know they are loved.
I need to remember I just had a baby and no working mom has figured out the balance thing. I need to remember that these are small problems, and although the simple fact that they are my problems makes them feel huge at the time- it WILL be ok.
It will.
Meanwhile, I'm blessed to have friends who don't laugh at my silly little issues and genuinely offer advice and a shoulder if I need it.
Thank you.
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*I felt like an idiot for crying out on fb because it's makes you feel vulnerable to expose a weakness. And by this I'm *not* referring to my ability or inability to keep my house clean and laundry done. I'm talking about my discontent. My feeling of drowning which can lead to ungratefulness. And the lie that it leads to- that I am abandoned in the life that God provided for me.
It's simply not true. But at times I forget that.
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Side note:
I am very aware that my reality and problems are so incredibly minute to many in this world who don't even know where their next meal is coming from. This is a constant presence in the back of my mind. When I get frustrated that I haven't mopped in so long my floor is sticky I remind myself that with just one kitchen tile I have more than so many others. I know this. I am as aware as someone who grew up with every need met can be. Just felt the need to say that.
:)
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