To Myself...

A Letter To My 50 Year Old Self,

Wow. 50? Does it seem like yesterday you were having babies and watching them grow? Life was so busy it flew by? Now you are probably watching your children's children grow.

You must know now what my mom meant everytime she said "It's different in your 50's" Does your energy fade quicker now? Are you not able to get by with 5 hours of sleep like you could when you were younger? Is your reflection different? "Who's face is that in the mirror?" you must wonder.

Do you see those wrinkles? Do you trace them with your finger and wonder how they snuck up so quickly? The ones that frame your mouth- remember that those are from laughing at Nathan's silliness. The ones around your eyes- they developed from smiling at your husband during those times that you realized you definitely don't deserve him but he loves you anyways. The forehead wrinkles are from raising those eyebrows in the "oh no you didn't" look you gave your children when they misbehaved.

Your body is different now. It's a little worn out. It's a little wrinkled and saggy. But please remember and take it to heart. The reason it's like that is because you grew your babies in that body. They stretched you as their little bodies grew. You pushed them out and nourished them with your own body. They scratched you, climbed on you, head banged you, blew their noses on you. They are the little ones who wore that body out and I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way.

Can I ask you a question 50 year old me? Did it matter? All those times I stuck to my word even though it was hard? The times I probably should have but I didn't? The discipline? The love? The books I read to them? The booboos I kissed and hugs I gave? Did my children feel loved? Secure? Did they grow knowing I would do anything for them? Is it worth it? Did I train their hearts? Did the times I said "no" build their character? Did I prepare them for life in this world?

Did they forgive me when I slipped up and yelled when I shouldn't have? When I punished the wrong child? When I was late to a soccer game or couldn't make it on that field trip because I was working?

Did I really make a difference? Did they grow into wonderful adults who put God first and are filled with compassion for others? I desperately hope so. My soul prays for it.

I know what you are thinking. You probably wish you could go back in time and tell me to savor the moments. Less cleaning and more playing? I'm trying. I promise. It's hard. There are times I know I should just stop "doing" and just "be". But the laundry has to be done. Cooking has to be done. Cleaning has to be done. I can't completely throw it all out the window. So please please know that I tried. That between loads of laundry I grabbed a book to read to my kids. That even if it was only a few minutes I laid down on the floor and let them climb on me while giggling. I tried. It's so fleeting. I can feel it. Time slipping away through my fingers like sand. I want to grab it but I feel like the harder I hold on the faster it goes.

So please remember. You loved and cherished. Don't have regrets. You did your best. Yes you made mistakes. Some small. Some big. But they have made you into who you are today. Your mistakes taught your children that no one is perfect except God and if you lean on Him anything is possible. So own those wrinkles. Wear them proudly. Each one is a precious precious memory.

Love,
You at 29 years old