It's about 7:30pm on a weeknight and you feel a sense of urgency. You know there is a list of things that need to be done but you keep remembering other things to add to that list. It just keeps growing!!! And along with it your anxiety starts to grow as well.
You're running around like a lunatic starting a million things but not completing them. You look at your toddler/preschool/spawn of some sort and think "When did I last give him a bath? Yesterday? No the day before. Oh crap it's been 3 days! He needs a bath" (don't judge, I'm a working momma, my kid usually gets a bath every other day in the winter but there are times I lose track!)
Right when you think you might start accomplishing things on your to-do list the baby decides he needs food to survive and since you do want your baby to live- you sit down to feed him.
Great, now it'll be awhile before you can get back to the neverending to-do list that you weren't actually completing to begin with.
That's when you look over at your husband looking at newsanchor gag reel stuff on youtube at the computer. Happy. Content. And oblivious to the whirwind in your brain.
What?
Why doesn't he feel that huge load of things to do on his shoulders like you do?
Why will he be able to soundly sleep even if half these things don't get done?
And why will he absolutely not care if your 3 year old doesn't get his bath?
I'll tell you why....Man Brain.
You see- I am in no way undermining men by saying that. It's just that they are hardwired differently and if you have ever known a man or happen to be married to one- chances are you know what I mean. God made women and men each have different sets of strengths and weaknesses so we compliment each other and together we are a more complete unit.
I once heard on GMA someone discussing how men honestly don't see the things us women see. It was an eye specialist talking about peripheral vision. It goes back to the time when people hunted to survive. Women were gatherers and developed great peripheral vision. Men, as hunters, had more of a tunnel vision so they could concentrate on that one animal they were about to throw the spear or shoot an arrow at.
That's another reason you sometimes have to stand right in front of a man before they have any idea you are trying to talk to them. (once again, not undermining, just explaining our natural differences)
They honestly don't see all that needs to be done. It's not that they are ignoring their to-do list in their brain that has 34582782357 things on it- it's that they don't have one! Or if they do it's more like 1)eat 2)play video games 3)sleep 4)go to work in the morning and repeat.
So I began a discussion with Marcus about Man Brain. I wanted to understand it a bit more.
Well- I say I began a discussion but really it was one of those on-the-verge-of-a-meltdown-get-up-off-the-couch-and-help-me type discussions. It went something like this...
Amanda: "Please help me! I can't do this alone!"
Marcus: (confused and looking at me like I'm crazy) "What is there to do? I don't see anything that needs to be done"
Amanda: (while thinking "seriously? how can you not see it?") "Well- Nathan desperately needs a bath before he starts to grow mold or something in his armpits (ew), the baby needs a bath too, the cloth diapers need washed, my pump stuff needs washed, the toilet in the small bathroom is gross because Nathan can't aim, left over dinner needs to be put away and the kitchen picked up, the towels need folded" and on and on and on.
Marcus: (looked stunned) "Oh, ok" and he gets up to help.
After the kids were in bed we talked about that- I realized it actually stresses me out more to repeat everything to him because I feel more overwhelmed and it's hard to list it without getting upset. Repeating the to-do list outloud also causes you to bring up the not-as-important things that have been camping out in the back of your brain in the "when I finally have time" file like dusting the baseboards, taking down and washing the curtains (yep- that NEVER gets done), and going through the junk drawer- just to list a few. And also repeating the to-do list feels like nagging and we all know nagging doesn't work and our husbands H A T E it. So I knew there had to be another way.
It wasn't that he wasn't willing to help.
He was.
He just had no clue to what needed to be done and to him- nothing really needed to be done because it wasn't on his mental to-do list- so he would just end up sitting somewhere. The computer desk. The chair. Just sitting.
So we came up with an idea. The Now/Later list.
This would eliminate the need for me to verbally list off what needs to be done to him. And solve the problem of him having no idea what was going on in my woman brain concerning the billion things I wanted to accomplish before my head hits the pillow. AND the really cool thing is he can see something on this list, do it, and I never. even. had. to. ask!!! :::squeal:::
(our "real" now/later lists are usually longer and sloppier than this, I gave it a face list for the picture heh)
I just took two dry erase boards I got at Meijer's and put them in a high traffic area (the door b/w the laundry room and kitchen)
On the NOW list are things that HAVE to be accomplished that day. (I included play time because I try to sit down and play with Nathan every day- even if I can only manage 10mins of it)
The LATER list are things you would really like to get to that week.
And so far...it's working!!!
It's been about a month now. The first week we did it Marcus actually did something off the later list and I was SOOO thrilled!
This has made me feel a little more sane and helped Marcus take some of the responsibilities that were weighing me down. We still rarely get to the "later" list because usually even if we focus on the NOW list I still get to bed close to midnight. And some days Marcus forgets to look at it and I have to remind him.
But for the most part...It works for us.
I thought it might help someone else out...hence...this post.
Let me know if you try it!
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