A breastfeeding update

(You can read my previous posts about breastfeeding here)

When Luke was 17 months old I was already a few months pregnant with Kevin. Knowing the many benefits of extended breastfeeding (and having a family member with breast cancer at the time) made me want to keep going for a while. However that was when Luke was diagnosed with food allergies and while pregnant I did not want to be overwhelmed by modifying my diet as well as his.

So I weaned Luke. I thought it would be a much harder process than it was. At that point he was nursing twice a day (morning and night) and I slowly started shortening our nursing sessions. We let go of the morning session and then kept cutting down the nighttime one. There were tears from both of us but after a few weeks we were down to one minute. I cherished that very last session. The next day he asked to nurse once, I said no, he cried for a moment and that was that!

Kevin came along and started nursing like a champ just like Luke did. I was so relieved.

I had more than enough milk with Luke (I donated over 1,200 oz) and seemed to have plenty this time with Kevin. However, after my time in the hospital with my kidney stone and high blood pressure my milk dropped significantly.  Kevin was only 2-3 months old and I barely had enough milk to feed him and my frozen milk stash was almost depleted.

I asked around if anyone had any spare milk and had three friends offer to donate to us. This time I was on the receiving end of milk sharing (which is a pretty common practice) and then I knew how grateful the families I donated to might have felt. It took such a burden from me to know Kevin was provided for.

My friends who donated are all women I have known for years. I know them. I know their lifestyles and I trust them. It is necessary to use caution when milk sharing and I felt 100% sure that this milk was safe for my baby or we would not have used it. 

Kevin continued to grow and grow with the donated milk. I would use 2-3oz of donated milk in a bottle for daycare and then added several ounces my own milk. Kevin didn't seem to notice the difference. At home I continued exclusively breastfeeding and my milk slowly started coming back up. Before I knew it we made it to my first breastfeeding goal of 12 months!

Kevin is now 14 months old and receives breast milk 3 times a day (morning, after daycare, before bed and occasionally in the middle of the night if he wakes) Like his brothers he seems to be intolerant of cow's milk so I don't plan on stopping soon because it still is a vital part of his growth. He's currently not even on the growth chart at 18.5lbs but he IS growing and developing. He's petite like his oldest brother so his doctor and I are not concerned about his weight.

Our nursing sessions are so precious to me. It's a moment during the day that is our time. It allows me a way to bond with my toddler who I don't see much during the busy work week. I feel like it's our calm in the storm that our house becomes with three very active boys moving all of the time.

So for now we'll just keep on keepin' on.

Nursing at around 7 months after getting bilateral ear tubes.

The Why

Well Hello.

I've been absent for quite a while on this little blog but my mind has been busy pondering it.

I wasn't sure what I want out of this. If I've been sharing too many things, too personal things. What Nathan might think about it when he's a bit older. The reason behind a blog. What I get out of it and what good it does. The "why" behind sharing a piece of yourself.

What good does it do? I'd lie if I said no good came from it. I enjoy writing although I'm not a writer. I know of friends who have shared my breastfeeding stories with a new mom or people who have been encouraged by identifying with my parenting struggles. So yes, good has come from this and I think it's something I personally need. 

After all- we have a voice like never before in this technology soaked world. We have a stage and I think it's a personal choice to use it or not. However if we choose to use this stage (no matter the size of the audience) I think it comes with a certain amount of responsibility.

So I will be intentionally blogging more except after a few months of reflection it may be a bit different of a tone. I want to be true to myself with what I blog. I want to be vulnerable and personal yet not share anything that my family would consider private. I want to encourage (something that does not come naturally to me yet I am SO uplifted by my friends who are encouragers) and I want to glorify God. And if I make someone cry or laugh along the way that's even better.

Mostly I just want to remember. Photos and story telling are the best tools for that. 

So- I'll be back :)

Owning the Overwhelmed

Until recently there was a very bad pattern going on in our house. It'll call it the Sunday Evening Freak Out. It is what it sounds like. 

Saturdays I am tired from the work week and either somewhat lazy or busy that day. Sunday rolls around and calm Amanda goes to church and enjoys lunch. 

Nathan says something funny. Calm Amanda laughs.

I nurse the baby and stroke his cheek. Calm Amanda smiles.

And then somewhere around 5pm I glance at the clock and my DNA changes.

IT'S 5:00 ALREADY?!?!?!?!?!

I disappear and that Amanda comes out from hiding. 

You know. She looks something like this.

The Amanda who suddenly realizes that TOMORROW is Monday and ohmygoooossssh I have nothing ready for the week. Laundry, dishes, dust goes flying. Cooking, cleaning, bottles to be made. "Don't dare ask me anything or talk to me unless you are bleeeding!!!". 

I would FREAK out. Suddenly everything HAD to be done and everything had to be done RIGHT NOW! 

You know, right? What that's like?

What a horrible way to start the work week?!?!

A few weeks ago I was in the midst of a Sunday Evening Freak Out when I heard a blood curdling scream. The type of scream that comes from someone's soul. I heard it but didn't see where it was coming from because my eyes were closed. 

The scream faded and I opened my eyes. Marcus and the boys were staring at me with wide eyes and open mouths.

The scream had come from me.

As my own shock faded I thought to myself this is not acceptable behavior. 

God used that moment to change my heart (more on that later).

I feel overwhelmed a lot, like a tornado is spinning around me. It's rarely about big things. Those things tend to elicit an "oh it will be fine!" attitude from me (like when Marcus and I found ourselves both unemployed with a 10 month old baby Nathan) It's the little things around me that make me feel that way. Or the bigger worldly issues I see on the news.

Last night I was feeling like I was drowning in all of the to-dos again and this morning I woke up to see a FB status of a dear friend who had put into words exactly how I had been feeling. 

She said, among other things, that she wishes she could feel put together for just one day. (I'd like to quote her actual post once I get the okay from her)

I wanted to hug her and then yell from the mountain tops, "Enough!! We ALL feel this way on a regular basis and we all hate it. It has to stop!"

And then it dawned on me that not only do we all feel overwhelmed, but that we always ARE going to feel overwhelmed because WE CARE.

Everything that overwhelms me is because I care deeply about it and that's a good thing.

I get overwhelmed when a loved one is upset with me- because I care about their feelings and our relationship.

I get overwhelmed when my two year old keeps getting out of bed- because I care about him getting enough sleep (and I care about getting some "me" time to sit on my butt after a long day.)

I get overwhelmed by not having much one on one time with my husband because I care about my marriage.

I get overwhelmed meal planning because I care about the health of my family.

I get overwhelmed balancing work and family because they both are important to me and a part of my identity.

I get overwhelmed at the gym because I'm the new girl and I care about getting healthier.

I get overwhelmed when my house looks like chaos because I care about order, cleanliness, and being able to find the things we need when we need it.

I get overwhelmed about poverty, abuse, injustice, abortion, slavery, hunger, politics, the environment. 

If you are alive. If you live on this earth. If you care about ANYTHING. You WILL be overwhelmed!!!

What if every day I wake up and instead of hoping for things to go smoothly, instead of wishing my kids obeyed and there was no drama in my life- I embraced the overwhelmed? 

What if I expected to be overwhelmed? At home, at work, at the gym. 

What if I owned it? Not in a pessimistic view of "something is going to go wrong like it always does" but just in a realistic point of view. As long as I care, it IS going to happen and I get to choose how I react. 

Today I started to brainstorm about the positive things that come from being overwhelmed (if you have ever wondered what the hygienist is thinking while she cleans your teeth- it's stuff like this)

When I am overwhelmed I...

1)...depend more on God. I am not able to do all that I desire because I am not capable. I'm not designed to be everything wrapped up in one package. I'm designed to worship the One who is.

2) ...assess what's really important to me. If it's something that stresses me out that I have no business doing and no good comes from it then maybe it's time to let it go.

3) ...learn to ask for help. I am blessed when I help others. I feel like I made a difference to them. How many times have I robbed other people of the same blessing by letting my pride get in the way of my asking for help? There are times to brush off your pants, get back up and do it alone. But there are other times it's good to ask for help. It is not a sign of weakness.

4) ...am more in tune when others feel the same way. I identify with them and try to encourage.

5) ...make changes. I love the quote circling around that says "if it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you."

Remember my recent scream in a moment of frustration?

God started working in my heart to analyze why I reacted that way and He pointed out the weekly pattern of stressing out on Sunday evenings. 

The next day at dinner I made no excuses but apologized to my family and suggested some changes. I asked for more help around the house and chores for the kids. I suggested we work together on Saturday to do the things that need to be done for the week so we can all focus on spending Sundays together as a family. 

The following Sunday we took the older boys sledding for the first time and I laughed and laughed as we flew down the slushy hills. We all need to rest and to make time for the things we love and I had been denying myself that. I hope soon to get back to painting and Sunday evenings sound like a perfect time to work on the painting I started 2 1/2 years ago.

I hope God overwhelms me everyday.

Because the day I stop being overwhelmed means I stopped caring about something very important.

Own it.

Hello!

I know, I know, I disappeared for a bit.

I'm still here. Things are good. Holidays were wonderful but still not quite done yet (still have some family members to celebrate with that was delayed due to sick kids and/or weather) It's sort of nice prolonging Christmas. Something to look forward to.

A lot has been on my heart lately. I've felt more introverted which means feeling less like sharing. There have been a bunch of "aha!!!" moments lately in different areas of my life. Usually after a period of reflecting I get in the mood to share and I want to. Yet at the same time I'm sort of struggling with "sharing"...here...for the whole world to see. Well, I know not many read this but it's still out there yanno?

Been cooking A LOT. Dinner almost every night which is a change from when I used to cook maybe 2-3 times a week. We're eating out less, taking lunch to work, and eating a bunch of yummy food. And chocolate. You can never forget to mention chocolate :) 

Lifestyle changes rock when it means a healthier you on the inside which always reflects in many ways on the outside. For too long I've seen people make good changes, knowing we should as well but making excuses. Yes I don't start making dinner til after 6 and we don't usually eat til after 7pm but I've been making it work. But anyways- didn't intend to post about all of that today but maybe I will soon.

But yeeeeeep. Just wanted to say hi.

So...hi ;)

Boring blog post out!

Merry Christmas!

Hands off kid!

Each year, around Christmas time, I buy a box of these...

Chocolate Covered Cherries!!!!

I purchase them in the store, looking over my should like I'm doing something absolutely sinful. Giggling on the inside.

I bring them home and, glancing left and right, I secretly tear open the box. 

I eat one while standing up at the kitchen counter. Only one. And each day I eat one until they are all gone.

Then the next year around Christmas I'll do the same thing.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Are they my favorite? Nope. They're just "okay" actually. The dark chocolate kind is a little better than the milk chocolate.

You see...my mom loves these chocolate covered cherries and always bought them around this time of year for herself. But when I was a kid she NEVER let me have one. Ever. EVVVVEEEER. 

I'd ask. She said no. I began to know them as "mommy's candy, hands off!"

After so many years of this I started to think they were an "adult only" candy. Like no kid anywhere ever got to enjoy chocolate covered cherries. They fell in along the lines of "life's not fair" and "I'll tell you when you're older."

One day in college I was at the store with a friend when I spotted them on the shelf. Just a simple box of candy sitting there for any adult to buy. I had honestly forgotten that they exist. I realized "heeeeyyyy...I can buy these for myself now!" and brought a box home, anticipating their ooey gooey goodness.

They weren't nearly as good as my childhood of yearning anticipated but I still enjoy getting a box each year and feeling like I'm truly a grown up. And yes I feel a little naughty eating them because....shhhh...they're an adult only delight. 

:)

(My mom feels totally bad that she "deprived" me of these as a kid. Come on mom- you could have said "yes" at least once! I DO let Nathan have one or two each year too.)

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What is your favorite treat this time of year?

SCC (Stephen Curtis Chapman) Glorious Unfolding Tour

My friend Annie texted me a few weeks ago and asked if we wanted free tickets (yes) to see Stephen Curtis Chapman (Yes) and Jason Gray and Laura Story (uh huh)...and to meet Stephen Curtis Chapman after the concert (YEESSSSS!!!!)

Luckily I found a last second sitter and we were off for a date night!

Running late because the church it was at was in the middle of nowhere- we finally made it and were able to enjoy the show.

yes I know my camera is horrible...

Jason Gray was up first. This was the third time we have seen him and he is a talented songwriter and singer. He has a speech impediment (stutter) and it's always inspirational to see how God uses people not in spite of their weakness, but because of them (Jason's words, not mine). He had a really great point he talked about on stage about when a person is impressive then you are "impressed with their impressiveness" but when a person is broken and God uses them- then you are impressed by God's glory. It's God you see then, not the person. Got me thinking.

Oh and he's witty. Gotta love wit.

Next up- Laura Story. She sang her famous song "Blessings" with SCC. Here's a link if you haven't heard it. Her story is always heartbreaking to hear but they are overcoming it. Her husband had brain surgery 2 years after they were married and it's been a tough road.

THEN TIME FOR SCC!!!!

His songs immediately took me back to my adolescent years. He made everyone laugh and then tear up when he talked about the daughter he lost 5 years ago.

I love his new song "Love Take Me Over"

Afterwards we got to chat with SCC for a minute. Thankfully he's been rambling (looong rambles) on facebook so I had some fun things to talk to him about (like his pumpkin carvings) He was very nice and it was a privilege to meet him.

He's a wonderful example of someone who uses their talent for Christ, uses their fame to change other people's lives for the best, and keeps their priorities straight despite of fame and publicity.

It was a great date- thanks for inviting us Annie!

C*I*R*C*U*S

Take me out to the cirrrrrcuuussss. Take me out to the...

oh wait, that's not how it goes.

Anywho.

We went to the circus recently as a treat from Marcus' parents. It's sort of become a tradition for the last few years and although I know it might not work out every year it's definitely something Nathan looks foward to.

This was Luke's first time to the circus and of course Kevin tagged along in the boba carrier.

(Side note: When we first took Nathan several years ago I saw a family with a little baby and thought "Who in the world would take a baby to such a loud and smokey place? Ugh!" HAHAHAHA. I laugh at my 26 year old self. It's a circus, Amanda. Not a bar.)

Luke wanted to ride the elephant with Marcus and Nathan. I internally freaked out a bit. I'm a cautious parent. It's my nature. I just prayed he wouldn't slip off and be stepped on. He did fine and Marcus was right there with him...still. Elephants are tall, yo.

A rare family photo!

The best act was the Chicago Boyz (they were on America's Got Talent) They were auh-mazing! The man in this photo is jumping over 10 people I think. You could tell they loved what they do and it made everyone smile.

Everyone had a blast! Luke's favorite to see were the elephants and he clapped big when they did anything. The only mishaps were Luke taking a tumble down the concrete stairs (I didn't see it, but he's fine) and my not covering Kevin's ears during a loud noise that made him scream (sorry baby). I wish I got a picture of my mother and father-in-law who treated us to a fun evening! We even got spoiled with dip-n-dots (the ice cream of the future that we never quite catch up to).

The cheetah boy was a pretty neat act too :)

Nathan

Can I get a life raft?

I go through phases where it feels like I can't keep up with anything, small or big. Just like any other working mom. Just like any other mom. Just like anyone.

I'm smack in the middle of the "drowning sensation" right now. I know everything is ok. I know I'm blessed. I know the things I'm behind on doesn't directly threaten my job or my kids' health or anything of significance. But still. I don't like my kitchen being so messy I can't make my way to the sink. Cluttered house= cluttered brain. For me, at least.

My house is never spotless or completely picked up. But it's usually not this bad. I just can't seem to even begin to balance the working mom thing. I just can't. There is SO much to do in the little time I am home that it feels very much 1 step forward and 123743 steps back.

Especially when all of those unexpected things arise. Yanno the ones. Like when your toddler decides to wipe their poop on furniture. Or the baby pukes everywhere. Not a big deal. It's a part of having kids. But when a bunch of that stuff happens in the few precious hours I have in the evenings it just makes it so hard to get other things accomplished (and I'm not talking scrubbing the toilet- just the basic things that have to be done- like making Kevin's bottles or washing my pump supplies)

Last night I sort of cried out to Facebook world and then felt like such an idiot* for doing so. It's not always good to have a social platform in times of overwhelmness (yes I made that a word).

I don't want to sound like I'm always complaining about the working mom thing. I know some friends of mine want to shout "it's your reality- just get over it already." And I'm not saying I want to change my situation. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it work for our family because right now I feel like it could be a bit smoother than how I'm managing it.

I don't want to get out of the ocean. I love this ocean. It's mine. I just want to find a life raft.

Although I felt like I deserved some "oh come on, not this again" response (because I cried out for the exact same reasons when I went back to work after Luke two years ago) I was not given that response. Instead I had people honestly trying to offer helpful advice. The best is probably to do more on the weekends and I honestly will try. Usually by Saturday I'm so fatigued I want to be productive but struggle to do so. However if I do start implementing these suggestions I know I might not be that pulled thin by the end of the week.

I also realized I need to say "no" more. Especially to my children. Which is a hard thing to do when I miss them so. 

For instance although I wanted to have a sit down dinner tonight it wasn't done until 7:30 so we ended up eating separately. Before I even sat down to take my first bite my kids were finished and demanding other things from me. Usually I would just wait on my food and get them more food or something to do or watch so I could maybe have 2 seconds of peace to inhale my food. But this is ridiculous! Everyone had eaten but me. So today I said mommy is off limits until I get a chance to eat. 

Somedays I'll make the decision to spend quality time with the kids. Some days (read: a lot of days) they'll just have to be ok with getting their basics needs met and an "I love you, but mommy is off limits for the next hour because I have to get so and so done."

Today I also realized three important things. 

1) I am nursing (and hormonal). This requires a lot of time and energy from me. This makes me tired. I will not always be a nursing mom and will get time and energy back someday. 

2) I am on a blood pressure medicine that makes me tired as well. After an appt with the cardiologist today he said I can wean off of the medicine during the next few weeks if my bp responds well.

3) I have a WHOLE day off in the middle of the week! Many working moms would trade in a kid for that opportunity (kidding). Lately that day has been full of appointments for the allergist, or ENT, or pediatrician, or urologist, or cardiologist, the child therapist, or a meeting about Luke's speech therapy. My day off is so full of stuff that I'm begging to go back to work by Thursday. Hopefully as these visits slow down I will get some of that day to get a few important things done.

I need to remember to slow down, take a breath, know it will be ok and that even if they don't have clean underwear (okay that only happened once) my kids know they are loved. 

I need to remember I just had a baby and no working mom has figured out the balance thing. I need to remember that these are small problems, and although the simple fact that they are my problems makes them feel huge at the time- it WILL be ok.

It will.

Meanwhile, I'm blessed to have friends who don't laugh at my silly little issues and genuinely offer advice and a shoulder if I need it.

Thank you.

+++++++++++++++++

*I felt like an idiot for crying out on fb because it's makes you feel vulnerable to expose a weakness. And by this I'm *not* referring to my ability or inability to keep my house clean and laundry done. I'm talking about my discontent. My feeling of drowning which can lead to ungratefulness. And the lie that it leads to- that I am abandoned in the life that God provided for me.

It's simply not true. But at times I forget that. 

+++++++++++++++++

Side note:

I am very aware that my reality and problems are so incredibly minute to many in this world who don't even know where their next meal is coming from. This is a constant presence in the back of my mind. When I get frustrated that I haven't mopped in so long my floor is sticky I remind myself that with just one kitchen tile I have more than so many others. I know this. I am as aware as someone who grew up with every need met can be. Just felt the need to say that. 

:)

Cutest "lunch lady" ever

Bang. BANG. thump. Whack. 

That was the sound Nathan made every night, all night long, as he slept. His bed is by a wall so he was constantly hitting it as he thrashed around in his sleep.

He has always been a restless sleeper although he slept through the night fine. He would be a zombie in the morning regardless of how much sleep he got because it wasn't quality sleep.

He also suffered from sleep apnea. Walking down the hallway at night I would hear him stop breathing and then a few seconds later gasp for air.

I know someone who has a son around Nathan's age and a few months ago he was discussing his son's behavior issues and sleep patterns. He said they were evaluating him for a possible tonsillectomy to help his sleep apnea. I had a light bulb moment and thought maybe this is something that would help Nathan!

So a few weeks ago, while he was yawning, I asked him when he is the most tired: morning, during the day, or at night. He looked at me with sleepy eyes and said "I'm always tired mommy."

I began researching tonsillectomies. Marcus and I both had the surgery when we were young (mine was due to repeated tonsillitis) and I was surprised to read that the number one reason tonsillectomies are preformed in children these days is to relieve sleep apnea.

Nathan's tonsils were HUGE. I mean, we would look down his throat and wonder how food or air got through there. He is a small boy yet his tonsils took up most of his throat and were almost touching.

I consulted his pediatrician, the child therapist, and the ENT. Marcus and I both felt like this would greatly benefit Nathan and so we scheduled the surgery.

The week leading up to the tonsillectomy I had several conversations with Nathan about the operation and how he would feel afterwards. I didn't want him to be shocked about how he would feel but I also didn't want to scare him. We made a special trip to the store for jello, juice (a rare treat in our house) and other soft foods for after the surgery. 

The night before we went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel as a family. I told Nathan he could pick a "brave boy" toy. He chose a toy airplane and was so happy about it.

I thought on the day of the surgery the hardest part would be denying him food and water the whole morning. He actually did surprisingly well with this since he usually wakes up pretty hungry.

When we got to the surgery center we changed him into the standard hospital gown and hair net. He said "I look like a lunch lady! That's silly!"

Definitely the cutest lunch lady ever!!

Here he is coloring and waiting to be wheeled back to surgery.

After they took him back we waited for about 30 minutes until they said the doctor was ready to talk to us. 

I knew in my heart this was the best thing for Nathan but I never was 100% on board (I'd say I was 80% ready to do this and 20% ehhh is this something he really needs now? Especially since I vividly remember the pain involved with my tonsillectomy) But when it comes to any procedure that involves putting your child through some pain I doubt any parent is like woohoo! Let's do this! Yeah! After talking to the ENT post-op I definitely knew we made the right choice.

The doctor said he knew that Nathan's tonsils were big but once he got "in there" he saw just how large and obstructive they were and that this will definitely be beneficial for him. 

While discussing post-op care for Nathan and thinking of questions to ask I could hear Nathan crying down the hall. My heart stopped each time I heard him and I would get tears in my eyes. I knew what the doctor was saying was important but a part of me wanted to run from that room and scoop my baby up immediately. 

They soon led us back to Nathan who was crying, holding his favorite stuffed animal, and sputtering a melting red popsicle everywhere. I leaned down to whisper things to comfort him and he kept saying "get it off" meaning the IV. 

He said "I hate this place" and "But I didn't even WANT my tonsils out!" We kept assuring him that he will feel better soon.

After some more post-op instructions we got the okay to leave. We headed to pick up his prescriptions and Nathan quickly fell asleep in the car.

He napped for a few hours and then was up watching a movie and asking for food.  We kept him on liquids or popsicles that first day and then he had a week of soft foods.

He was a little out of it but his personality was already shining through and I thought that maybe this will be an easy recovery.

*2 weeks later*

We are SO glad we did this for Nathan. He is finally getting quality sleep. He no longer thrashes around at night and isn't yawning all day.

He wakes up chipper on most days and isn't a zombie for an hour. He gets dressed in the morning easier and overall his behavior has improved. 

Although surgery isn't something anyone should run into we are grateful we live in a day and age where Nathan can get quality care and have access to great doctors. His recovery was much easier than I anticipated most likely because of the modern technology they have to perform these surgeries.

I asked him the other day if he is still tired all of the time. He said "Nope! I feel good!"

Now that's music to my ears.

it's ok to ask for help sometimes

I've been pretty honest about the challenges we've been facing with Nathan lately.

Not to in any way embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable someday (at least I hope not)...but simply to document our life, our journey parenting these rambunctious boys, and mostly to possibly help someone else who might be in a similar situation.

There was a time during my maternity leave with Kevin that my relationship with Nathan was going downhill quickly. He was constantly mad at me. I was constantly mad at him. It was no one's fault. I was 2 weeks postpartum and he had gone through a lot of changes.

I remember saying "I don't know how to handle him. I don't know what to DO!" over and over. To Marcus. My mom. Friends. Family. Anyone whom I thought could help.

During these days I would watch the clock and completely dread the moment I had to get him off of the bus. I would cry to Marcus on the phone and beg for him to leave work early.

When Nathan got home from school I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Terrified of the moment I would have to say no to him or correct him because I knew all it took was for one thing to not go his way and it would lead to hours of power struggles (and my "no" means "no", he knows I don't give in)

On the very worst day. The day that marked a full week of after school temper tantrums that left us all in tears. The day I realized I couldn't even care for my other children because Nathan was taking everything of me- I finally cried out for help. I realized I couldn't do this anymore. 

I said it to my mom. "I need help." I pleaded to God. And I admitted it to myself which was the hardest of all. I have never needed help handling my child before other than advice here and there and I felt like a failure. 

Literally the exact same moment I prayed to God for help a close friend who knew I was struggling with Nathan left me a voice mail. Before I even listened to it I knew exactly what it was going to say. It was going to give me help. My dear friend gave me a name and phone number of a child therapist that had helped her son.

When Nathan finally calmed down and fell asleep from pure exhaustion I called my friend back and just sobbed on the phone. I shared my heart and the ugly things that were in it. She listened without judging like a good friend does and encouraged me to get the help we needed.

It's easy to forget how bad the "storm" was once you are on the other side of it. After that phone call I started lying to myself. The house was calm and quiet and I told myself I didn't need help after all. I told myself that I could handle this and that it would be better tomorrow. I could learn how to control my own child again. I just had to be more in charge. Have more of a presence with him and be fully in control. 

But I knew I was lying. Tomorrow was not going to be any easier and as hard as it was I made the phone call. I was relieved to leave a voice mail instead of having to initially talk on the phone with the therapist.

A few days of phone tag led to an appointment for Marcus and I to lay it all out in the open. We ended up talking about our 5 year old and our whole family for 2 hours. I didn't go in to that meeting saying "fix my child" I went in there saying "fix me, fix us" because I knew our parenting was a big part of the problem. 

Yes, Nathan is very strong willed and stubborn, yes he is a sinner and this is his sin laid out in the open. He was not "off the hook" yet I knew how we respond to him has a huge impact on how he responds back. Nathan needed help but so did Marcus and I.

I left the first appointment feeling exhausted and vulnerable but ready for change. We had a game plan. We had help.

+++++++++++++++++

Fast forward a few months and it is already a different environment in our house. Things are still chaotic but Nathan's outburst are now much fewer and farer in between. We're learning how to respond to him to let him know that he's being heard and understood. We're teaching him that he is in control of his actions and those actions have consequences independent of us.

For instance the other night I told Nathan he was going to go to bed before Luke (he usually stays up later than Luke) because Luke took a late nap and Nathan was already exhausted.

He stormed off and started screaming. He was mad and I was bracing myself. But I remembered what I learned and said "Nathan, we understand that you are frustrated. If you choose to go nicely and put your PJs on then you choose to read a book with me before bed. If you choose not to go nicely and put your PJs on then you choose not to read a book."

(Notice I put the complete responsibility on him- I didn't say "then I will not read a book to you." Don't underestimate the power of a you statement to kids. It gives them a sense of control although the parent is actually setting the limits.)

Nathan stared at me. Blink. Blink. And walked off without a world, put his PJs on and brought me a book to read.

I heard a choir of angels.

Somewhere along the way we stopped seeing our child as a person and instead saw something that just needed to be controlled.

We don't want to control our kids though. We want to teach them self-control.

We have a lot to learn about parenting our children and I know it's a life long process. For some reason I think it's easy to be the hardest on your oldest child and I maybe that has a lot to do with feeling like their behavior is a reflection of you. Everything with them is "new territory"- every age and every developmental stage. We have yet to prove to ourselves that we are capable of parenting well. But this is the mindset that put me on the wrong road with Nathan. That's A LOT of pressure to put on a little child. I'm getting better at separating my emotions from Nathan's behavior and remaining calm when he has an outburst (of course I often fail in this area but I'm a work in progress)

I spent the morning with him today since he had a doctor appt. Afterwards we enjoyed lunch together and then had a great conversation in the car on the way to school. He is SO delightful and funny. We kept smiling at each other through the rear view mirror and I'm getting tears in my eyes just thinking about how strong our connection felt. I missed that so much. I missed him and I'm grateful that we are in a better place now.

Boo!

Part 3 of Crazy Week...glad that week is over!

My body did not respond well to the new bp medicine. I drifted off to sleep a few times yet since I had trouble relaxing I would quickly wake up.

During the night the nurses injected me with two doses of bp med when it got dangerously high except it didn't lower it more than a few points.

Around 6am I woke up to my heart pounding very slowly. It was a strange sensation where it felt like it was working extra hard yet at a slower rate. My bp was 183/100 and a sense of doom came over me. For the first time during all of this I started crying and was truly scared. I kept praying yet it was hard to feel God's presence although I knew He was with me. 

I haven't told anyone this yet but I felt the presence of my cousin Sara who recently passed away and heard her say "It'll be alright." I thought of my boys and no longer saw a future with them. I felt so bad that I wasn't sure if I was truly going to survive. Health wise people go through much more dangerous scenarios than this all of the time so I can't explain why I suddenly felt this way but I did. I was truly scared. I started praying that God's will be done but pleading with Him to help me. I told God "please, I don't want to be done with this body yet." I was shaking so bad and so cold.

Although I knew my mom had very little sleep I called her crying and said I was scared. I told her my blood pressure has been up all night and she said she was coming right away. I knew Marcus was busy with the boys but I sent him a message to come ASAP.

I got on facebook and told everyone that I was done updating about my condition and people could contact my mom or Marcus. At this point I was so weak that it was very difficult to even hold my phone.

My head was pounding so violently. It was the worst headache I've ever had and it radiated down my back. I was exhausted and restless at the same time and just laid there and cried. After awhile I managed to pick up my phone to search for my favorite hymn (come thou fount) and listening to it calmed me a bit.

Nausea came over me and I ended up getting sick right after they gave me medicine for my headache. 

My mom and Marcus showed up when I was feeling a little better and they stayed with me throughout the day. Nothing was helping the headache except when one of them would massage my head and neck. They kept the room quiet and dark yet my body was so tense I still couldn't relax.

I finally got to see a doctor and he said he was going to run some tests and consult with a cardiologist. My body was still not responding to medication so he said he would be looking into another one to try and I asked for it to be breastfeeding friendly if possible. My frozen stash of breast milk at home was starting to run out and I was wanting to avoid formula if possible. 

Marcus stayed by my side and would support me if I needed to go to the restroom. I was concerned about dehydration because of a water pill they had me on + nursing + not keeping anything down + kidneys seeming to work overtime now that the stone was out.

That day they did an EKG, ECHO of my heart and an MRI to check on my kidneys. 

I also was visited by a cardiologist who listened to my heart and asked me a bunch of questions.

Marcus had to get the boys from daycare but came back at the end of the day. I was feeling worse and was barely coherent when he stopped by that evening. The pain in my head was excruciating and all I remember was Marcus saying my eyes were very blood shot and "why does the chart on the door say your pain level is a zero?" I recall yelling "It's not a zero! It's not a zero!" before drifting off into a restless sleep again.

That night I had a male nurse who told Marcus I was his most important patient at the time because everyone else on the floor was stable except me. The doctor put in an order to try yet another bp medicine (the fourth one they tried) and Hallellujah it worked!!!! 

Friday morning I woke up to a bp that said...

My heart rate also went from low to the "high end of normal."

The nurse, Jason, had spent the night closely watching my vitals, researching if my new bp medication was breastfeeding friendly, and hounding the doctor to approve zofran for my nausea and ibuprofen for my headache per my request. What a good nurse! He was standing in my room when I woke up to that better bp reading and I said "good morning, my bp finally went down!"

My head started to clear that morning and my weird feeling was going away. Other than feeling extremely weak and discomfort from the stent I felt tremendously better.

Marcus came back that morning and we cuddled in the hospital bed trying to rest. After the stressful day before it was so calm and peaceful just to lay next to him. The doctors stopped by to tell me that all of the tests were negative.

In the end, the cardiologist's theory is that my body is very sensitive to epinephrine. With the recent pregnancy and the stress of the stone on my body my adrenal glands must have been (or currrenly still are?) pumping out epi into my system. We're not 100% sure this is what has been going on but it did feel like my body was locked into a "fight or flight" reaction.

With almost normal bp readings I was sent home with directions to take it easy, stay on the bp medication, follow up with the urologist, and see the cardiologist in a month.

I was so happy to be home and be with my babies again!!!

I was weak for a few days and was so grateful to have some friends bring dinner over. At one point there were at least a hundred people praying for me because the word spread via church prayer chains and word of mouth or word of "facebook." I am beyond amazed by all of the support, love, and prayers I received. God did hear you and is helping me to feel more like myself everyday!

The stent is gone now (yay!) and I have returned to work. I take my blood pressure medicine everyday and hope to wean off of it soon. My body still doesn't seem balanced out because at times my bp is really low and other times it's higher than I would like. 

My heart rate is low again but that could possibly be from the medicine. It's still a weird sensation to be rushing or walking quickly and not feel it speed up. I had dizziness for a few days with the medicine but my body is slowly adjusting to it. I'm glad that they found a medicine that not only is safe for Kevin through my milk but that also has few side effects.

Thank you to everyone again for the prayers and for thinking of me. Thanks to our close friends Dana and David to took time out of their evening to drive Marcus' car home from the hospital for us. Thank you to my mom who ran herself ragged not only taking care of my boys and the dog but also being there for me when I needed her. I don't know what I would do without her this past week. My washer also broke during all of this (maybe that's a good thing because it forced me not to get caught up with laundry) and my parents took all of our laundry, washed it, bought us hangers and laundry baskets and returned it to me!!

And not that you ever read my blog but thank you too to my wonderful husband Marcus. Who ran so fast across the airport to get home to me that the luggage broke! You came home for me and took care of me when you got here (He missed a private Imagine Dragons concert too when he left his conference early) The first several days after the hospital he did everything with the older boys so I could camp out in the bedroom feeding and napping with Kevin and regaining my strength. I love you babe. (I would appreciate prayers for him too because he's currently sick with pneumonia. Now it's my turn to care for him!)

I was singing this song in the car today to refocus when stress was getting to me. Great is Thy Faithfulness. I have never paid attention to the third verse but it was something I needed to hear. 

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."

Couldn't have said it better myself ;)

Part 2 of Crazy Week

Part of me doesn't even want to finish this story because so much new stuff is going on around us that this just seems old although it was only last week. However, since I have most of it already typed out I want to just get it posted and move on from it. Had a massage therapist tell me today that my right kidney is still very swollen so praying that goes down soon. Anywho- thanks for reading my story if you do- I hope to come back with some cute photos or stories of the kids and something more light hearted soon!

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Last Wednesday morning, the day after I was released from the hospital, I was rushing to get the boys out the door for school and daycare. After running around the house for 30 mins I noticed my heart rate was low when my heart should have been pounding. I checked my bp and was still getting high readings.

I decided to drive Nathan to school for the first time because we were running late. I had the boys in the car and was grabbing my keys to go out of the door. That's when I heard a weird noise. Was that the dog? I thought. Then I looked over. Kevin. My baby. Who I thought was already in the car. He was staring up at me from his car seat. God made him coo at the exact moment I was about to leave him. Praise God! I got my baby and we all left while I was getting a little more concerned about my mind set. (I must mention that at this point I felt completely safe driving or I would not have driven my children, however I still felt very weird and not myself.)

I stopped by my work that morning to have a few nurses check my blood pressure because I wanted to know if the readings I was getting were correct. They got around 168/96.

Around noon, after trying to relax the best I could, I ended up calling my urologist to inform him of my bp to see if that was a common problem after a stone removal. They were concerned and told me to get to an urgent care immediately and that I might need to see a cardiologist. This time I did pack my pump and a few belongings just in case.

My "weird" feeling started to grow and I drove myself to an urgent care knowing that I probably wouldn't be driving again for some time.

I get there and wait. Once they finally get me back and I go through the "well I had high bp during my pregnancies but it's otherwise normal but I just had cystoscopy done and a stone removed..." shpeel they end up checking my bp about 6 times, both with the machine and manually. 192/137. 210/115. And other similar readings. My weird feelings kept growing and I started getting a little dizzy.

They gave me a strong bp medicine and had me lay down for awhile while they did some blood work. An hour later I was no different and started to feel even worse. Both of my parents showed up and we started talking with the doctor about what to do and where to go. The conversation got stressful and I felt my bp go up even more. I got very light headed and knew I was about to faint or have a stroke so I ended the conversation and said I just wanted to go to the closest hospital. 

Marcus realized at this point that he definitely needed to get home to me ASAP so he started working on getting a flight home.

After being admitted to the hospital I laid there trying to relax but felt like my own body wouldn't let me. I knew relaxing was important to get my bp down yet I just couldn't. I'd try deep breathing but if I took a deep breath in my body wouldn't let it all out. I felt tense and was very shaky and weak. The hospital bp machine was getting higher and higher readings.

They informed me that I was assigned to a doctor who wouldn't be there until the next afternoon but meanwhile they were going to try a different bp medicine. I was trying my best to relax and still keep close family and friends updated. Marcus sent a text that he was already on a flight and I was so happy he would be with me soon.

After I drifted off to sleep that night I woke up when Marcus walked in. It felt so good to hug him and know he was there. Mentally I was very foggy and he left so I could try to rest.

It ended up being one of the scariest nights of my life so far.