Merry Christmas!

Hands off kid!

Each year, around Christmas time, I buy a box of these...

Chocolate Covered Cherries!!!!

I purchase them in the store, looking over my should like I'm doing something absolutely sinful. Giggling on the inside.

I bring them home and, glancing left and right, I secretly tear open the box. 

I eat one while standing up at the kitchen counter. Only one. And each day I eat one until they are all gone.

Then the next year around Christmas I'll do the same thing.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Are they my favorite? Nope. They're just "okay" actually. The dark chocolate kind is a little better than the milk chocolate.

You see...my mom loves these chocolate covered cherries and always bought them around this time of year for herself. But when I was a kid she NEVER let me have one. Ever. EVVVVEEEER. 

I'd ask. She said no. I began to know them as "mommy's candy, hands off!"

After so many years of this I started to think they were an "adult only" candy. Like no kid anywhere ever got to enjoy chocolate covered cherries. They fell in along the lines of "life's not fair" and "I'll tell you when you're older."

One day in college I was at the store with a friend when I spotted them on the shelf. Just a simple box of candy sitting there for any adult to buy. I had honestly forgotten that they exist. I realized "heeeeyyyy...I can buy these for myself now!" and brought a box home, anticipating their ooey gooey goodness.

They weren't nearly as good as my childhood of yearning anticipated but I still enjoy getting a box each year and feeling like I'm truly a grown up. And yes I feel a little naughty eating them because....shhhh...they're an adult only delight. 

:)

(My mom feels totally bad that she "deprived" me of these as a kid. Come on mom- you could have said "yes" at least once! I DO let Nathan have one or two each year too.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++

What is your favorite treat this time of year?

SCC (Stephen Curtis Chapman) Glorious Unfolding Tour

My friend Annie texted me a few weeks ago and asked if we wanted free tickets (yes) to see Stephen Curtis Chapman (Yes) and Jason Gray and Laura Story (uh huh)...and to meet Stephen Curtis Chapman after the concert (YEESSSSS!!!!)

Luckily I found a last second sitter and we were off for a date night!

Running late because the church it was at was in the middle of nowhere- we finally made it and were able to enjoy the show.

yes I know my camera is horrible...

Jason Gray was up first. This was the third time we have seen him and he is a talented songwriter and singer. He has a speech impediment (stutter) and it's always inspirational to see how God uses people not in spite of their weakness, but because of them (Jason's words, not mine). He had a really great point he talked about on stage about when a person is impressive then you are "impressed with their impressiveness" but when a person is broken and God uses them- then you are impressed by God's glory. It's God you see then, not the person. Got me thinking.

Oh and he's witty. Gotta love wit.

Next up- Laura Story. She sang her famous song "Blessings" with SCC. Here's a link if you haven't heard it. Her story is always heartbreaking to hear but they are overcoming it. Her husband had brain surgery 2 years after they were married and it's been a tough road.

THEN TIME FOR SCC!!!!

His songs immediately took me back to my adolescent years. He made everyone laugh and then tear up when he talked about the daughter he lost 5 years ago.

I love his new song "Love Take Me Over"

Afterwards we got to chat with SCC for a minute. Thankfully he's been rambling (looong rambles) on facebook so I had some fun things to talk to him about (like his pumpkin carvings) He was very nice and it was a privilege to meet him.

He's a wonderful example of someone who uses their talent for Christ, uses their fame to change other people's lives for the best, and keeps their priorities straight despite of fame and publicity.

It was a great date- thanks for inviting us Annie!

C*I*R*C*U*S

Take me out to the cirrrrrcuuussss. Take me out to the...

oh wait, that's not how it goes.

Anywho.

We went to the circus recently as a treat from Marcus' parents. It's sort of become a tradition for the last few years and although I know it might not work out every year it's definitely something Nathan looks foward to.

This was Luke's first time to the circus and of course Kevin tagged along in the boba carrier.

(Side note: When we first took Nathan several years ago I saw a family with a little baby and thought "Who in the world would take a baby to such a loud and smokey place? Ugh!" HAHAHAHA. I laugh at my 26 year old self. It's a circus, Amanda. Not a bar.)

Luke wanted to ride the elephant with Marcus and Nathan. I internally freaked out a bit. I'm a cautious parent. It's my nature. I just prayed he wouldn't slip off and be stepped on. He did fine and Marcus was right there with him...still. Elephants are tall, yo.

A rare family photo!

The best act was the Chicago Boyz (they were on America's Got Talent) They were auh-mazing! The man in this photo is jumping over 10 people I think. You could tell they loved what they do and it made everyone smile.

Everyone had a blast! Luke's favorite to see were the elephants and he clapped big when they did anything. The only mishaps were Luke taking a tumble down the concrete stairs (I didn't see it, but he's fine) and my not covering Kevin's ears during a loud noise that made him scream (sorry baby). I wish I got a picture of my mother and father-in-law who treated us to a fun evening! We even got spoiled with dip-n-dots (the ice cream of the future that we never quite catch up to).

The cheetah boy was a pretty neat act too :)

Nathan

Can I get a life raft?

I go through phases where it feels like I can't keep up with anything, small or big. Just like any other working mom. Just like any other mom. Just like anyone.

I'm smack in the middle of the "drowning sensation" right now. I know everything is ok. I know I'm blessed. I know the things I'm behind on doesn't directly threaten my job or my kids' health or anything of significance. But still. I don't like my kitchen being so messy I can't make my way to the sink. Cluttered house= cluttered brain. For me, at least.

My house is never spotless or completely picked up. But it's usually not this bad. I just can't seem to even begin to balance the working mom thing. I just can't. There is SO much to do in the little time I am home that it feels very much 1 step forward and 123743 steps back.

Especially when all of those unexpected things arise. Yanno the ones. Like when your toddler decides to wipe their poop on furniture. Or the baby pukes everywhere. Not a big deal. It's a part of having kids. But when a bunch of that stuff happens in the few precious hours I have in the evenings it just makes it so hard to get other things accomplished (and I'm not talking scrubbing the toilet- just the basic things that have to be done- like making Kevin's bottles or washing my pump supplies)

Last night I sort of cried out to Facebook world and then felt like such an idiot* for doing so. It's not always good to have a social platform in times of overwhelmness (yes I made that a word).

I don't want to sound like I'm always complaining about the working mom thing. I know some friends of mine want to shout "it's your reality- just get over it already." And I'm not saying I want to change my situation. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it work for our family because right now I feel like it could be a bit smoother than how I'm managing it.

I don't want to get out of the ocean. I love this ocean. It's mine. I just want to find a life raft.

Although I felt like I deserved some "oh come on, not this again" response (because I cried out for the exact same reasons when I went back to work after Luke two years ago) I was not given that response. Instead I had people honestly trying to offer helpful advice. The best is probably to do more on the weekends and I honestly will try. Usually by Saturday I'm so fatigued I want to be productive but struggle to do so. However if I do start implementing these suggestions I know I might not be that pulled thin by the end of the week.

I also realized I need to say "no" more. Especially to my children. Which is a hard thing to do when I miss them so. 

For instance although I wanted to have a sit down dinner tonight it wasn't done until 7:30 so we ended up eating separately. Before I even sat down to take my first bite my kids were finished and demanding other things from me. Usually I would just wait on my food and get them more food or something to do or watch so I could maybe have 2 seconds of peace to inhale my food. But this is ridiculous! Everyone had eaten but me. So today I said mommy is off limits until I get a chance to eat. 

Somedays I'll make the decision to spend quality time with the kids. Some days (read: a lot of days) they'll just have to be ok with getting their basics needs met and an "I love you, but mommy is off limits for the next hour because I have to get so and so done."

Today I also realized three important things. 

1) I am nursing (and hormonal). This requires a lot of time and energy from me. This makes me tired. I will not always be a nursing mom and will get time and energy back someday. 

2) I am on a blood pressure medicine that makes me tired as well. After an appt with the cardiologist today he said I can wean off of the medicine during the next few weeks if my bp responds well.

3) I have a WHOLE day off in the middle of the week! Many working moms would trade in a kid for that opportunity (kidding). Lately that day has been full of appointments for the allergist, or ENT, or pediatrician, or urologist, or cardiologist, the child therapist, or a meeting about Luke's speech therapy. My day off is so full of stuff that I'm begging to go back to work by Thursday. Hopefully as these visits slow down I will get some of that day to get a few important things done.

I need to remember to slow down, take a breath, know it will be ok and that even if they don't have clean underwear (okay that only happened once) my kids know they are loved. 

I need to remember I just had a baby and no working mom has figured out the balance thing. I need to remember that these are small problems, and although the simple fact that they are my problems makes them feel huge at the time- it WILL be ok.

It will.

Meanwhile, I'm blessed to have friends who don't laugh at my silly little issues and genuinely offer advice and a shoulder if I need it.

Thank you.

+++++++++++++++++

*I felt like an idiot for crying out on fb because it's makes you feel vulnerable to expose a weakness. And by this I'm *not* referring to my ability or inability to keep my house clean and laundry done. I'm talking about my discontent. My feeling of drowning which can lead to ungratefulness. And the lie that it leads to- that I am abandoned in the life that God provided for me.

It's simply not true. But at times I forget that. 

+++++++++++++++++

Side note:

I am very aware that my reality and problems are so incredibly minute to many in this world who don't even know where their next meal is coming from. This is a constant presence in the back of my mind. When I get frustrated that I haven't mopped in so long my floor is sticky I remind myself that with just one kitchen tile I have more than so many others. I know this. I am as aware as someone who grew up with every need met can be. Just felt the need to say that. 

:)

Cutest "lunch lady" ever

Bang. BANG. thump. Whack. 

That was the sound Nathan made every night, all night long, as he slept. His bed is by a wall so he was constantly hitting it as he thrashed around in his sleep.

He has always been a restless sleeper although he slept through the night fine. He would be a zombie in the morning regardless of how much sleep he got because it wasn't quality sleep.

He also suffered from sleep apnea. Walking down the hallway at night I would hear him stop breathing and then a few seconds later gasp for air.

I know someone who has a son around Nathan's age and a few months ago he was discussing his son's behavior issues and sleep patterns. He said they were evaluating him for a possible tonsillectomy to help his sleep apnea. I had a light bulb moment and thought maybe this is something that would help Nathan!

So a few weeks ago, while he was yawning, I asked him when he is the most tired: morning, during the day, or at night. He looked at me with sleepy eyes and said "I'm always tired mommy."

I began researching tonsillectomies. Marcus and I both had the surgery when we were young (mine was due to repeated tonsillitis) and I was surprised to read that the number one reason tonsillectomies are preformed in children these days is to relieve sleep apnea.

Nathan's tonsils were HUGE. I mean, we would look down his throat and wonder how food or air got through there. He is a small boy yet his tonsils took up most of his throat and were almost touching.

I consulted his pediatrician, the child therapist, and the ENT. Marcus and I both felt like this would greatly benefit Nathan and so we scheduled the surgery.

The week leading up to the tonsillectomy I had several conversations with Nathan about the operation and how he would feel afterwards. I didn't want him to be shocked about how he would feel but I also didn't want to scare him. We made a special trip to the store for jello, juice (a rare treat in our house) and other soft foods for after the surgery. 

The night before we went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel as a family. I told Nathan he could pick a "brave boy" toy. He chose a toy airplane and was so happy about it.

I thought on the day of the surgery the hardest part would be denying him food and water the whole morning. He actually did surprisingly well with this since he usually wakes up pretty hungry.

When we got to the surgery center we changed him into the standard hospital gown and hair net. He said "I look like a lunch lady! That's silly!"

Definitely the cutest lunch lady ever!!

Here he is coloring and waiting to be wheeled back to surgery.

After they took him back we waited for about 30 minutes until they said the doctor was ready to talk to us. 

I knew in my heart this was the best thing for Nathan but I never was 100% on board (I'd say I was 80% ready to do this and 20% ehhh is this something he really needs now? Especially since I vividly remember the pain involved with my tonsillectomy) But when it comes to any procedure that involves putting your child through some pain I doubt any parent is like woohoo! Let's do this! Yeah! After talking to the ENT post-op I definitely knew we made the right choice.

The doctor said he knew that Nathan's tonsils were big but once he got "in there" he saw just how large and obstructive they were and that this will definitely be beneficial for him. 

While discussing post-op care for Nathan and thinking of questions to ask I could hear Nathan crying down the hall. My heart stopped each time I heard him and I would get tears in my eyes. I knew what the doctor was saying was important but a part of me wanted to run from that room and scoop my baby up immediately. 

They soon led us back to Nathan who was crying, holding his favorite stuffed animal, and sputtering a melting red popsicle everywhere. I leaned down to whisper things to comfort him and he kept saying "get it off" meaning the IV. 

He said "I hate this place" and "But I didn't even WANT my tonsils out!" We kept assuring him that he will feel better soon.

After some more post-op instructions we got the okay to leave. We headed to pick up his prescriptions and Nathan quickly fell asleep in the car.

He napped for a few hours and then was up watching a movie and asking for food.  We kept him on liquids or popsicles that first day and then he had a week of soft foods.

He was a little out of it but his personality was already shining through and I thought that maybe this will be an easy recovery.

*2 weeks later*

We are SO glad we did this for Nathan. He is finally getting quality sleep. He no longer thrashes around at night and isn't yawning all day.

He wakes up chipper on most days and isn't a zombie for an hour. He gets dressed in the morning easier and overall his behavior has improved. 

Although surgery isn't something anyone should run into we are grateful we live in a day and age where Nathan can get quality care and have access to great doctors. His recovery was much easier than I anticipated most likely because of the modern technology they have to perform these surgeries.

I asked him the other day if he is still tired all of the time. He said "Nope! I feel good!"

Now that's music to my ears.